Teenage Dirtbag
by iFluffRaver
Summary: Light Yagami - Most popular boy in high school, smart, attractive, polite, exactly the kind of guy you'd want to take home and meet your mother.  L Lawliet - Teenage Dirtbag. What more can I say? LXLight AU
1. Gym Class

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. It is the rightful property of the great Tsugumi Obha and Takeshi Obata.**_

_**AN: I know, I know, I made a pledge to not write anything else until Riches to Rags is finished, but I've been singing this song all day and I've wanted to write an LXLight high school AU for a while, I just think it works so well! XD Forgiven?**_

_**And you may have noticed that this story is rated M. This is because, if you, my dear readers request it, I shall write a lime or I might even stretch to write a lemon if you so wish. But for that, I will need a LOT of delicious reviews to keep me fuelled up in the long nights of writing juicy citrusy loveliness. So you have been warned, although it won't be for a while because I want to have quite a bit of story leading up to it, which also means that if you're not a citrus fan, you can read the story without fear of there being a giant hard-core lemon straight away. Enjoy!**_

Teenage Dirtbag

_Written by iFluffRaver  
(with a little inspirational help from __xXMidnightWingsXx__, __xXDappledAXx__ and __spaghettimonster)_

Chapter 1: Gym Class

_His name is Light; I had a dream about him. The same every nigh . Got gym class in half an hour. Oh, how he rocks in kit and white socks! But he doesn't know who I am, and he doesn't give a damn about me._

'_Cause I'm just a teenage dirt bag, baby._

Yeah, that's me; L Lawliet. Even my name's weird. No wonder I don't have any friends, huh? I'm the class nerd; I know everything except how to act around people. It's not that I don't _want _to speak to them, it's just I don't know what's considered socially 'acceptable'. And most of the time they do get on my nerves by being complete idiots. But that's beside the point.

There's no one who I can relate to, they're all just about looking good - not having the brains to back them up. My classmates are all superficial.

All, that is, except one.

Light Yagami.

He somehow manages to be the complete opposite of me at the same time as being identical. It's like our minds were created in exactly the same sweep of God's hand – if such a being existed, which according to scientific proof is highly unlikely – but who am I to rain on people's faith?

Light's genius rivals my own. We are at the top of the class – Tokyo High School 2nd grade, class B – and have both achieved 100% on every mock exam this year and the entrance exam to the high school itself. He can speak _almost_ as many foreign languages as I can – I do have an unfair advantage, having lived in a large number of countries throughout my life, but I would never admit that in a direct confrontation with him as it may be my only trump card.

As if his intelligence weren't enough, he's drop dead gorgeous, too. He has glowing tanned skin and a flawless complexion. His eyes are like glistening pools of glossy milk chocolate – oh, hell, I'm beginning to sound like Mello – and his _hair_! When looking up the word 'perfect' in a dictionary, the only definition that is fit for it is 'Light Yagami's hair'. Ever strand seems to obey direct orders from him to sit and remain in an artistically positioned order on his head.

This is one of the ways in which he's completely different to me.

Not only am I socially retarded and unable to hold a conversation longer than 'Hello,' 'Fuck off.' But my appearance leaves much to be desired. If stood next to Yagami, I'm sure we would be mistaken for a super model and something that he threw up after eating something bad. My hair, unlike his flawless locks of auburn gold, refuses to do anything I instruct it to, but simply sticks out in all directions in a confused un-cut hedge-like manner. I have resigned to fate on this issue and so no longer even bother to do anything with the mangy black frizz on the top of my head, just let it be and live its life as free as it wishes. I'm sure there's something living up there.

And then there's my choice in clothing. Whereas Yagami, I'm sure picks out each and every item carefully each night to ensure his perfect image, I have no desire to pretend to be anything other than I am. So why should I wear clothes to impress people? Each morning is enough of a rush as it is, without the faff of choosing different clothes, so I opt for an easily accessible and easy to put on in a hurry long-sleeved white T-shirt and jeans. The only shoes I have are a pair of worn out tennis sneakers with exactly thirteen holes – not like I count them when I'm bored or anything…

Yet another endearing quality I possess is my somewhat questionable posture. I have never been able to stand up straight. Well, not since I can remember, anyway. My back has always been arched over and my legs have always been slightly bent. I get stared at – a lot. But it's too painful to change now, so I don't bother. I get stared at when I sit, too. I crouch with my knees pulled up to my chest and my finger is usually up to my lips. I sit like that because it feels comfortable, but just to piss people off I tell them some bullshit about it increasing my deductive ability by 40%. My finger is comforting. I don't know quite why I keep it to my lips; it just gives my some sense of security. But, the price of comfort is acceptance.

_And,_ unlike me, Yagami knows exactly how to conduct himself in public. He's charming, polite, just the kind of guy you want to take home and meet your mother – I you have a mother. He is _the_ person to be seen with. If Light Yagami thinks you're worth talking to, everyone does.

I doubt Yagami listens to the music I do, either. I listen to what is known amongst the 'popular' crowd as 'mindless screaming' or 'that stuff that makes your brain go mushy'. Yeah, right, hasn't done me any harm. But, alas, the music of today is much more tame, soppy love songs about flowers and hearts being given away and other such nonsense. Iron Maiden made much more sense…

So, all in all, Light Yagami – Super smart, super attractive, super popular, super perfect. L Lawliet – Teenage Dirtbag.

Everything would be fine if we lead our separate lives in peace and completely ignored each other. The problem is that I seem to have fallen for him.

And as I sit here, ignoring whatever it is that Aizawa-sensei is saying right now about micro-organisms or some such that I am already fully aware of, I can't seem to stop staring at him.

Every blink of his eyes as he stares – evidently as bored as I am – out of the window onto the courtyard beneath on his left. Every sigh that escapes his mouth as he watches the blossoms from the Sakura trees drift onto the path. Every flick of his pen against the desk that quite artistically frames his form and seems to almost trap him like a wild bird. Every twitch of his lips as he thinks of things I long to share with him.

Shit, I really am turning into Mello. Mello – being my younger cousin by adoption – is obviously having an adverse effect on me by living in the same house. The house we share with our other 'cousins', Beyond Birthday – a year my senpai, Matt – being the object of Mello's affections and the very cause of his 'mushy' behaviour, and Near – both in Mello's grade which is two below my own. It is, to say the least, chaos.

We were allowed to live on our own by our guardian, Quillish Wammy, while he tends to his orphanage in England. After he adopted us and experienced the joy of bringing up talented children – he must have ignored Mello completely because living him may include a lot of things but joy doesn't come into it – he wanted to share his life with others, and so set up Wammy's House in Winchester. A beautiful place, if I may say so.

I wish I was back there right now, I love visiting my little cousins. And there's no Light Yagami to distract me.

The bell for fourth period broke my nostalgic day dream and brought my eye focus back, revealing to me that I had indeed been staring at the perfect Adonis of a seventeen year old who sat directly on my left. But now he was staring back. _Oh great, he thinks I'm a freak for staring at him… Shit, how long has he been staring at me for?_

As I battled with emotions of horror and tried to look away, discovering I was unable to due to some failure of my limbs to obey my head, Light Yagami, _the_ Light Yagami smiled at me.

And it felt like I had died and was beholding an angel in heaven.

I swear people would kill for that smile.

The most beautiful views in all the world seemed like rubbish dumps when compared to the dazzling sight that my eyes had found themselves looking upon. The most radiant flowers of the Brazilian Amazon rainforest would seem shrivelled in their prime if held up to his face.

I'm going to have to have words with Mello when I get home. Seriously, I have no idea where that wussy spiel came from. It sounds like something Mello would say to Matt if he knew Near wasn't in the house. Of course, when Near was in the house, not a single romantic word would leave Mello's lips, for fear of giving his albino rival more ammunition against him.

But I, L Lawliet, do _not_ speak – or think – like that.

At least, I didn't until I first saw Light Yagami.

Who, I noticed, was still smiling at me.

_Great, now I look like even more of a retard because I've been gaping at him this whole time. _Quickly regaining my composure as I swear I feel some drool retract from the corner of my mouth, I forced the best smile I could back at him. I remembered not to open my mouth, as I had been informed that last time I did that, I looked like a deranged paedophile. So, lips locked firmly together, I smiled at Light Yagami, and it took all the concentration I had not to have a nosebleed right there.

_Wait, the bells gone…_ I finally found the strength to move again once Light's eyes had released , I'm being melodramatic, but why not? Light fucking Yagami just smiled at me.

I stretched out one of my legs to the floor and grabbed my gym bag from under the desk, catching a glimpse of Yagami's oh-so magnificent ass as he bent over to get his. _Now that's just perverted…_

* * *

I hate gym class for many reasons.

The main one being that we are almost always expected to choose groups or pairs to be in. Today was no exception, it was tennis, and that meant working in pairs. And there is always one person that everyone tries to avoid, and some unlucky idiot is always abandoned by his friends and put with said person that everyone tries to avoid.

That person being me. And that unlucky idiot never being Light Yagami.

Until today.

I stared in disbelief as the most popular boy in class strode up to me in his usual, radiant way and his soft hair bounced lightly on his forehead with each step he took, still wearing that dazzling smile.

"Y-Yagami-san?" I continued to stare as _the_ most sought-after gym partner gracefully approached _me_ as if nothing was wrong. Had they all abandoned him? Were they taking turns at who went with the weirdo? Impossible, no one would miss the chance to be with the Light Yagami. "Did you draw the short-straw today?"

For a moment he stared blankly at me. Then he face lit up as he realised what I meant. "No!" He said as he began to laugh. Why the hell was he laughing? "I just…" My heart shouldn't have been beating so fast. My mind shouldn't have been rejoicing at the possibility. No, there was some other explanation; he couldn't have _wanted _to be my partner… "Mogi-sensei wanted me to go with you because apparently I beat the others too quickly."

I'd been telling myself that there had to be another explanation, and here it was. So why did I feel so disappointed?

"And so do you." He flashed me another smile, this time it was different. It wasn't as pure and angelic as last time; it held mischief and something else. But I was too busy staring dumbly at him to think about what it meant. "So…" he said, obviously feeling awkward by my lame silence. "Shall we get started?"

I'm good at tennis. At least I thought so until I played him. Every shot I threw at him he would return just as hard and fast as I dealt it. He was fast. The other matches had finished long before Yagami and I had even reached the second set. Each of us determined not to slip out of rhythm. Because that what it was, a dance. We moved in sync with each other, as if we could read the other's mind before each shot was played.

I could feel the sweat running down my spine in a cold line. I had never broken into a sweat in gym class before. This guy was making me work. Every time I thought I was safe to relax because there was no way he'd reach that in time, the ball would be flying over the net right back at me.

A crowd had gathered around our court and I could hear vague chants of 'Light-kun!' over the loud thudding of my heartbeat. Even without hearing properly, I knew that there were no shouts of my name. Mogi-sensei had left a poor boy with a bleeding nose sitting on a bench at the side in favour of watching our game. Even the boy himself had neglected his nose long enough to lean past the others to get a better view. I felt thirty pairs of eyes on me and I swallowed hard. They weren't just looking at me, they were glaring at me, because I was challenging _their_ Light-kun, and I had no right.

Well, screw that. I had every right to win this game, and I would.

Unfortunately, at the very moment that thought entered my mind, Yagami's shirt flew up from his arm swing and revealed the smooth, tanned skin of his torso and I may have become somewhat distracted for a few vital seconds. By the time I had dragged my eyes away from the offending visible flesh; the ball had passed me and hit the wall behind.

_I lost…_

There were no 'Commiserations' or 'Better luck next time's, just smug glances in my direction. The crowd swarmed around Yagami until he was no longer visible. As I was about to turn around and head back to the changing room, as lunch had officially begun ten minutes ago, I spotted a rather familiar golden arm reach out from amongst countless bodies.

"Lawliet! Wait," The voice soon accompanied the arm, shortly followed by the rest of Yagami's body, pushing the congratulating class-mates out of the way. He made his way over to the net and extended his arm. "Well done, I've never had to play that hard in my life."

Ignoring all of the resentful comments and venomous glances from the crowd behind him, I took Yagami's hand. _Fuck, it's so soft…_ _he must moisturise or something…_

"Y-you, too, Yagami-san, I've never lost a game before."

"Really? I must play you more often then, maybe next time I'll get to see what it feels like to lose."

And then he winked at me.

This morning, he hadn't even looked at me before, and here he was, shaking my hand and _winking_ at me.

Suddenly the warmth in my palm was gone and Yagami was dragged away. At first I thought it was just the guys in our class taking him to lunch, but then I heard that annoying squeak of a voice and all my previous hope was gone. The one thing that meant that I couldn't get anywhere near Yagami ever again. _I hadn't noticed the girls come into the gym…_

"LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT! You won! I'm so proud of you!"

Misa Amane.

_**AN: So, what do you think? I've got a pretty good idea of where this is going, but if you want me to add something in particular then fire away! I'll try and put as much in as possible (as long as it's plausible) and I'd love to hear what you'd like to see in it.**_

_**Review please! Reviews give me the will to go on.**_

_**^.^**_


	2. Girlfriend

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, but you knew that already, right? I pity you if you didn't. Oh, and I forgot to say last time: I do not own the song Teenage Dirtbag, either.**_

_**AN: So… -loosens collar and laughs nervously- Some of you may have noticed that L and Light are in a Japanese high school and they're not wearing uniform. Haha… well… um… I was going to have a witty explanation for this but I couldn't come up with one so I'm just going to tell you the truth. I had a Misa moment. I'M SORRY! Just think of it as a special high school where they don't have to wear uniform… -cough-…**_

_**Anyway, thanks for all the reviews/favs/alerts so far! The most I've ever had on a first chapter! Thank you to everyone out there, I was going to mention you all but seriously, there're a lot of you and I didn't want to take up too much of your reading time with the author's note. So, for fear of doing just that, here it is…**_

Teenage Dirtbag

Chapter 2: Girlfriend

_His girlfriend's a bitch; she wears black lace to school. But her friends would kick my ass if they knew the truth. She lives on my block, struts round in striped socks. But she doesn't know who I am, and she doesn't give a damn about me._

'_Cause I'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby._

I didn't get to talk to Yagami for the rest of the day.

To be honest, I doubted that I'd ever get to speak to him ever again. Not with his posse around him 24/7.

There were three main obstacles between Light Yagami and the rest of the world. The silent 'refined' girl that followed him without saying a word and obviously fancied the pants off him, Kiyomi Takada. The crazed maniac with long black hair and glasses that insisted on referring to Yagami as 'Light-sama', Teru Mikami. And then there was the one thing that Yagami was only ever seen without when he was in gym class or those blissful moments when she was absent due to having a modelling job that day. The screaming blonde that got on _everyone's_ nerves daily.

Misa Amane.

_I swear it's the pigtails that do it. The way they bounce as she walks, it makes me feel sea-sick._ _Then again, the black lace and indecent skirts don't help either, does Yagami-san actually find _that _attractive? _I thought this as I watched the back of her head as she skipped out of the gym, dragging a reluctant Yagami away from me. _Jealous, are we, Amane-san?_ I couldn't help but mentally slap myself after finding a slight smirk on my lips.

I looked down at my hand; the hand that had just touched an angel with. I could still feel the warmth of his tanned palm against my own. That was the second mental slap of the day.

Mikami and Takada pushed their way through the building crowd of proud class-mates to catch up with their 'master'. It was sickening how attached they were to him. Couldn't they live lives of their own? There must be more to living that hanging around the most popular boy in the class because it makes you look 'cool'. A word I could never really hope to understand.

* * *

"LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!" _Honestly, if that girl opens her mouth one more time…_

"Yes, Misa?" _Now that voice I wouldn't mind hearing again…_

I shook my head in disgust at myself, deciding that my mind would end up with a nasty red mark if I kept slapping it.

Looking around I noticed that more people than usual were looking at me. Well, I say 'looking', more like a resentful glare…

What was it this time? Surely they've got used to me by now. The messy black hedge situated on top of my head; the pale, translucent skin that showed all my tiny blue veins; the dark circles under my eyes from years of an hour-a-night sleep routine; the bare feet perched on the edge of my chair with my sneakers laying abandoned on the floor beneath my desk – at least no one had taken and hidden them today.

All of these things are the norm for me, so why all the sudden attention now?

I studied the offending students closer and found that they were in fact looking past me at the occupant of the desk on my left. Which of course wasn't so strange at all, given that said occupant happened to be the best looking guy in the class. Until I tuned my ears into the conversation.

"Light, look at me!"

"Not now, Misa, I want to talk to Law-"

"But Liiiiiiiiiiiiiight, I'm your girlfriend!"

"I know Misa, but sometimes I would like to talk to other peop-"

"Don't you love me Light?"

"Of course I do, I just-"

"Then look at me!"

It was at this point that I decided to turn around and witness Yagami leaning around the girl doing a very convincing impression of a three-year-old having a temper tantrum; complete with balled up fists and stomping foot. Her hair was doing its bouncy thing again and I couldn't conceal the scowl on my face as I saw it.

But then my gaze fell on something far sweeter: Light Yagami's charming smile.

"Ah, Lawliet-san, I was wondering if-"

"Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight! Don't ignore me when I'm talking to you!"

_Ooh, I hate that girl so much!_

"Misa, please, I'm trying to-"

"Class, back to your seats!"

_Hm… I wonder who the prime suspect would be if Ukita-sensei was 'mysteriously' found with a pencil in his back… And lying on top of a certain irritating girl with her blonde hair scattered around the floor after having been shaved off… Could you even kill someone with a pencil? I'm sure if I found just the right spot and rammed it in really hard I cou-_

Daydreaming about how to kill your teacher with a pencil: not a good sign.

"Settle down, everyone. Now, today we'll be looking at... bla… bla bla… bla… bla... bla bla… bla bla bla… bla… Light's ass…" _What the fuck? _"Lawliet, could you explain, please?"

One look at the board at the front of the class room told me that we were in fact learning about 'The Goldbach Conjecture The Riemann Zeta Hypothesis Fermat's Last Theorem' and not a certain gorgeous seventeen year old's backside.

_Thank Kami I'm a genius._

But what the hell was with that theorem? _Sure, I might be able to solve it but this is a 2__nd__ grade high school mathematics class, not a world-wide meeting of global genii to determine the answer to all the un-solved theories in the history of the Universe. This one's only just been solved as it is. How is a group of seventeen year olds meant to understand something of this calibre?_

Shaking my head at the thought of all the whispers of 'nerd' that awaited me, I got up from my seat and took the chalk from Ukita-sensei's hand. Sighing, I started to scribble down the many equations needed to solve the problem.

After successfully filling the whole board with white squiggles, I passed the chalk back and prepared to face the confused masses, when someone spoke.

"Lawliet-san is wrong."

_What. The. Fuck?_ No one had _ever_ called me wrong before. Lazy, weird, disgusting, freaky, ugly, rude, obnoxious, maybe even _brilliant_ at one point, but never wrong.

I snapped my head round to discover the source of such a ridiculous comment, only to find the whole room staring at one boy with his arm stretched up into the air and a triumphant expression on his face.

It _had_ to be him, didn't it?

"Excuse me?" Was all I could manage to force through my disbelieving lips.

"I said, you're wrong, Lawliet-san." And then he got up, took the chalk and proved that he was, in fact, a perfect human being.

Until I saw his mistake.

"Ah, but Yagami-san, I think you'll find it is _you_ who are wrong." And with that, I grabbed the chalk back from his beautiful hand – managing to not linger my fingers over him for too long – and crossed out his working, replacing it with my own improved version.

"Maybe, Lawliet-san, but again, you have made an error." He snatched back the chalk and scratched markings in every available black space left on the tiny board which was quickly proving inadequate.

"Yagami-san, if I may." I reclaimed the chalk and – finding some of the board that had been left untouched – disproved his working, yet again. Only to be outdone.

"Ha, but if you do this…" Scratch.

"Oh, no, that should be like this…" Scritch.

"Perhaps, but then this would be…" Scribble.

"But that would prove that this…" Scrape.

"Disproving this…" Screech.

"Touché." Tap.

"Sensei, I think you'll find that we have proved the theorem." Yagami handed our frozen sensei what was left of his chalk – that being not much – and dusted off his hands. "Lawliet-san, I think that is what they call a job well done." He held out his hand to me and I took it with a smile.

_Please let my face look normal… not the paedophile grin… not the paedophile grin!_

But he simply smiled back, indicating that he wasn't looking into the eyes of a possible crazed sexual predator.

"Indeed, Yagami-san, we make quite a team." I heard thirty gasps somewhere on my left but all I could see was Yagami's face light up. His caramel eyes, sparkling with life; his shining white teeth behind soft, pink lips…

Nyah! Damnit, Mello! _I think I might start living on my own…_

As Yagami released my hand, my ears picked out a single shriek from the mountain of murmurs.

_Shut up, Amane._

"Shut up, Misa."

But it wasn't my voice that sent the room into silence.

My mouth hung open in awe at the frustrated beauty in front of me. Light Yagami, _Light Yagami_ had told his girlfriend to shut up. It took all my self-restraint to not beam at the expression on her face. It was a cross between pain and disbelief. I almost felt sorry for her… almost.

"Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!"

He sighed and rolled his eyes at me, to which I replied with a small giggle. And when I say 'giggle' I mean the sort that is usually only heard from the mouths of embarrassed teenage girls when they're talking to their crush. _Shit, I'm in deep…_

"I'm sorry, Lawliet-san, it seems Misa does not approve of us." Yagami said this as he returned to his seat. I however was frozen to the spot.

_Us…_

_He said 'us'… He referred to him and me as a collective._

_No shit, Sherlock, it was both of you he was talking about. You'd refer to you and B as 'us', wouldn't you?_

_Who are you? And why are you in my thoughts?_

_I'm the little voice inside your head that indicates insanity._

_Oh. How rude of me. Hello, voice, I am L Lawliet, what should I call you?_

_Man, this guy really is insane._

I was awoken from my inner dialogue with the mysterious voice – who sounded uncannily like me – by Ukita-sensei coughing loudly in my ear. To my dismay I found my mouth to be hanging open and my finger lingering in a rather unusual way over my bottom lip.

And I was staring at Yagami. _I should really start paying attention to what I'm doing…_

"Lawliet, you can sit down now." The look on Ukita-sensei's face told me that what he really meant was 'Lawliet, sit down now or I shall have to reverse the daydream you had about me earlier so that you end up as the one with the pencil in his back.'

Not wanting to die a rather undignified death at the tender age of seventeen, I obeyed.

* * *

The only thing that occupied my thoughts for the remainder of the day was him. His smile, his eyes, his lips, his body…

But they were just thoughts, and nothing amounted. And I kept having to remind myself that nothing _would_ ever amount. He was Light Yagami, the most popular guy in school – I think I've even heard B talk about how dreamy he was once – and I was L Lawliet, outcast from society and socially retarded. That's all I ever have been and all I ever would be. I'd been living with this truth all my life, ever since the day I turned up at Junior High School because Wammy-san wanted me to have a 'normal' childhood after having home-schooled me and B until I was twelve and B was thirteen.

I have always wished that Wammy-san had just kept me at home, locked up away from the world.

Everywhere I went I got stared at for looking like… well… me. My class-mates would run and scream when I approached, thinking I was sort kind of ghost, and when they had got over that stage of childish fantasy, they just saw me as ugly. Which of course meant that they had to avoid me on pain of being excluded from their group of friends.

Children can be so cruel.

But I learned to live with it. Every day I would wake up and prepare for another round of humiliation from fellow students. Rejection and isolation were two words that I found applied to my situation beautifully.

B, on the other hand, made friends easily. Sure, people would be scared stiff of him at first because of his red eyes, but he'd simply use it as a conversation starter. He'd always been better than me at the whole 'interaction with other human beings of the same age' thing. To be honest, he'd always been better than me at the whole 'interaction with other human beings, period' thing.

There was only one person that would even talk to me other than my relatives, and she wasn't even meant to be _my_ friend.

Linda-senpai was B's best friend, but unlike the others, she would talk to me whenever she came over; which was a lot. She drew me a picture once. It was of me and a giant strawberry and it still held pride of place on my bedroom wall. Whenever I was feeling down I would look at it and remember that I had people who love me and I didn't need anything else.

_So why the fuck do I feel so shitty now?_

I've never had any friends of my own, so why did not being with Yagami bother me so much? I've been brought up to think independently and work for hours on end in a room with nothing but a bowl of conversation hearts to keep me company, so why did I want his company so badly?

_Mm… conversation hearts…_

The bell for the end of the day made me jump and I heard a small eruption of laughter from my left.

"You didn't pay attention, either, Lawliet-san?" His breath taking smile did exactly what it says on the tin and I couldn't speak for what felt like a lifetime. Just gazing into those deep brown eyes that I felt I could melt into. Then my common sense kicked in. _Think about what you looked like…_ I closed my mouth and smiled back at him, nodding slightly although I'd forgotten what his question had been.

"Well," He got up and grabbed his bag, "See you tomorrow."

And then he was gone.

Through the door in that graceful manner he always had. And with him went Misa Amane, clutching onto his arm like a clingy child.

I shuddered unconsciously and got to my feet. Then it hit me.

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow was…

_Tomorrow is…_

…

Prom night.

_**AN: Ooh! How's it going? Having so many good reviews has its draw-backs, you know. I was absolutely paranoid that this would disappoint because you'd got high expectations. So again, please review and tell me what you think.**_

_**^.^**_


	3. Prom Night

_**Disclaimer: I'm sure you'll all be surprised to know that I don't, in fact, own Death Note or Teenage Dirtbag. –shock horror!– But I better say that I don't own any of the other stuff I mention later on, either, including Daz, Sharpies and David Beckham.**_

_**AN: Thank you for all the reviews/favs/alerts! And I forgot to mention last time: Thank you to **_**Felnor**_**for the Misa-pig-tail-dig inspiration. Prom night time… (BTW, this isn't the last chapter)**_

Teenage Dirtbag

Chapter 3: Prom Night

_Man, I feel like mould. It's Prom night and I am lonely. Lo and behold he's walking over to me. This must be fake; my lip starts to shake. How does he know who I am? And why does he give a damn about me?_

'_Cause I'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby._

I was dreading Prom night. Traditionally, everyone was expected to go with a partner, and just like in gym class, no one would ever partner me.

And this time there was no Mogi-sensei to force Yagami into going with me.

I was also dreading going home. I'd had a crazy day and was _not_ looking forward to hearing Mello's screeching from the minute I set foot in the doorway until he decided it was a decent hour to go to sleep. Unfortunately, I'd have to extend that time scale as I heard the temper tantrum exploding from a class room on my right.

"What do you _mean_ I didn't get one hundred percent?" This was followed by some apologetic mumbling from who I deduced was his maths teacher, Matsuda. "_Near_ got one hundred, so why didn't _I_? You must have marked it _wrong_!"

Feeling slightly responsible, and out of pity for the poor man being screamed at by the most hormonal blonde on this planet – females included – I decided to intervene.

"I apologise profusely, Matsuda-sensei." I said, bowing as I walked through the door into what now looked like a battlefield from World War Three. "Mello, what the hell did you do?"

I glanced around, barely taking in the damage that had been caused by my little cousin. All I could see was that at least three of the desks had been overturned – including one that had once supported the work books of a whole class ready for marking, which were now scattered about the feet of a quivering Matsuda – a potted plant had been smashed covering the young teacher's trouser legs with soil, and Near had won a nice purple bruise to his left eye. Matt, however was sitting on an untouched desk, playing silently on his new Game Boy Advance SP. A curiously tidy patch of class room surrounded him.

Signature Mello destruction.

"_He_ marked my paper wrong!"

The man in question shook his head, back against his desk in an attempt to get as far away from Mello as possible. "N-no, I d-didn't. W-Wammy-san, it was an easy m-mistake to m-make."

Near sighed.

"I did _not_ make a mistake!" Mello lunged at a cowering Matsuda, retracting his fist in preparation to give him a bruise to match Near's.

"Mello, no!" I tried to grab the crazed teen's arms as he flew through the air, but he deftly dodged my hands. Near face-palmed and felt like doing the same as the angered blonde collected a fistful of Matsuda's shirt. Said teacher squirmed under Mello's grasp and said teen growled. I feared for Matsuda's life as I uselessly grabbed at Mello's arm. "Mello, stop!" He didn't listen to me. I doubted he could hear anything over the sounds of his breathing and Matsuda's screams.

I closed my eyes and heard a soft voice murmur behind me.

"Mello." The blonde straightened up immediately, releasing the poor man who I was surprised to see was unharmed.

"Sorry, Matt."

I should have known. The only person Mello would ever listen to was Matt.

"You could've spoken up sooner, you know, Matt." I sighed as Mello walked back to look his soul mate in the eye.

"Mello, please don't kill Matsuda-sensei, he didn't actually do anything wrong." I almost felt the vibration of the Earth as Mello's blood boiled.

"He marked my paper wrong!"

"It can easily be re-marked, Mello."

Matsuda bravely stood up and raised his hand. "But I-"

Matt glared past Mello at the idiot behind him. I supposed Matsuda had a death wise. "It _can_ easily be re-marked."

The young teacher sank down to his knees, nodding. I thought I heard him mumble something about not signing up for this. Poor guy.

* * *

We eventually managed to leave the destroyed class room and left Matsuda to clean up Mello's mess – much to my dismay, but the blonde was set on storming out with everyone in tow and I wasn't about to trust him walking home unsupervised in this mood. B was waiting at the gate for us with Linda-senpai, who was ogling a near-by first year girl.

"Linda-senpai, you might want to be a little more inconspicuous when acting like a paedophile." I suggested as we left the school grounds and headed down the crowded street towards our house.

"I'm hardly being a paedophile, she's only a couple of years younger than me and you've got to admit, she's cute."

I glanced over at the girl in question. She had a small, round face and her dark brown hair was tied back in a high ponytail. She did have somewhat of an endearing bounce as she walked, laughing with her friends. But it was her eyes that drew me in most. They were wide, deep brown and held a familiar sparkle.

I found out why when I looked up from her face to see a certain seventeen year old hunk urging her to hurry up. "Come on, Sayu-chan."

"One second, Onii-san, I'll be there in a minute."

_Onii-san._ So Yagami had a little sister.

"L, stop staring or you'll be the one accused of being a paedophile."

Linda-senpai grabbed my arm and dragged me down the road, away from the bickering siblings. But I managed to keep them in sight long enough to see Yagami wave absently in my direction with one of his dazzling smiles.

"Was that…" B started.

"Did Light Yagami just wave at you?" Linda-senpai almost screamed.

I merely stood, eyes wide, finger to lips, smiling like a cat who had just caught a fish that deserved to be in the Guinness Book of World Records and earned a scratch on the stomach from the Queen of England.

Something in my metaphorical fantasy told me that I missed Winchester. But alas, Wammy-san had sent us to have a Japanese education because he thought it would good for me to get back to my roots. I did point out to him that I could have gotten back to my roots in four different countries, including England, but he loves the Japanese education system, and so nothing I could have said would have stopped him.

"How the hell did _you_ manage to earn a wave from Mr Popular?"

I honestly didn't know.

"I bet it was a dare." Mello piped up.

"Thank you so much for the boost in self-confidence, Mello." But as I said it, I couldn't help but wonder whether it _was_ a dare, and he was merely doing it for a laugh.

But he looked so sincere as he spoke to me. His eyes didn't hold any ulterior motive; he must have meant it…

Or he was just a really good actor.

Which was probably the case, as he seemed to be perfect in every other way; why shouldn't he be absolutely flawless?

_Life is so unfair._

I could tell from Linda-senpai's worried expression that i had ceased to look like a smiling fool a while ago.

"What's up, Lawli-kohai?" I had never been so happy to hear Linda-senpai's nickname for me in all my life.

"Oh, nothing, Linda-senpai, everything is exactly as it usually is. Absolutely nothing has changed." _So why do I feel like this?_

"It must be 'cause of Prom night tomorrow." B said, nudging me. "There someone you want to ask but you're too chicken? Or did you ask and get rejected?"

"Nothing of the sort." I said, although I suspected that there was some truth in it.

"Poor Lawlipop, he really has no friends." Now that was a nickname I could live without.

"Jee, B, thanks for that."

"_Anytime, little bro."_ He said in English and my heart sank even lower.

* * *

"What the hell happened to your face?" Beyond finally decided to notice that our albino cousin had a black splodge on his face half way through devouring his ramen at the kitchen table. Not that the table itself was visible anymore. It was covered in newspapers, various grades of homework – some dating back at least two years, un-washed kitchen utensils, ramen pots, mugs, spoons, coffee stains, chocolate stains, jam stains, yaoi manga, pens- _Wait, what? Yaoi manga? Whose is that?_

"Mello." _I should have known… _

_Oh right, he was answering B's question, not mine. Must remember to pay attention…_

"And why did Mello hit you? I presume he did hit you and not just scribble on your face with Sharpies."

To be honest, looking at the boy doing a rather convincing impression of a sheep across the table from me, it did look an awful lot like David Beckham had decided to market in Japan. It was a very nasty bruise, to say the least, and the situation was not helped by the fact Near's skin was as white as sheet that had just been washed with the newest range of Daz.

I really wasn't having a good day for making up metaphors.

"Mello hit me because I beat him at a test today and he had a temper tantrum."

"That hasn't been proven yet!" The only thing that kept Mello from making Near's face nice and symmetrical was Matt's hand firmly locked around his.

_Seriously, where did Wammy-san find us all? Freaks-r-us?_

_Oh, please, not another British joke._

"Mello, you really must learn to control your emotions."

"What, just like you?" I raised an eyebrow at B.

"Yes, the trick is to be calm and peaceful."

"And beat the shit out of any first years that get in your way."

"No profanities at the table." B grinned.

About a minute passed before curiosity got the better of me.

"Whose is the yaoi manga?"

Another minute passed in awkward silence.

But only a minute.

"Mello's."

"Not it's not! It's Beyond's!"

"Yeah right, you little liar!"

"Well, if it's not yours, it must be Matt's."

"No way! I don't read girly shit like that!"

"Ha, I bet you read _fan fiction_, too."

"Do not!"

"No, but Near does."

"How did I end up as one of the suspects?"

"Because you're here."

During this whole exchange of accusations, I had silently picked up the root cause of the argument and was peacefully reading away as they settled their dispute amongst themselves.

* * *

My alarm rang, alerting me to the fact that the day I had been dreading for the whole year was upon me.

_Maybe if I just stay in bed, no one will notice I'm not there._

"Lawlipop!"

_Fuck off._

"Lawlipop!"

_Fuck off._

"Lawlip-"

"Fuck off, B!"

But by this time, he had already whipped off my duvet and presented me with a button-up shirt and a pair of creaseless black trousers. _Since when do we have an iron?_

"Wammy-san sent these for you especially for Prom night. He sent some for me, Mello, Matt and Near for ours, too."

I hoped my expression would notify my annoying older brother that I was not impressed.

"Aw, come on, Lawli. It'll be fun!"

"Define 'fun'."

"I thought you were meant to be a genius."

"Ditto."

The rest of the day passed painfully slowly, but I tried to take it as a blessing in disguise as it meant that I didn't have to face the rest of my year before I'd gained enough courage. The thought of everyone staring at the only loner in the hall made me shiver. Sure, I was used to being on my own and being stared at, but under the disco lights and listening to corny music blasted out by speakers that made the ground vibrate made it all the more awkward.

I couldn't even take comfort in the fact that Yagami liked me. Mello's words echoed in my head, _I bet it was a dare._ It probably was. I don't know how I'd even begun to think that Light Yagami had spoken to me out of his free will.

I didn't know what would be worse, Yagami talking to me at Prom, while his friends sniggered behind my backs knowing full well it was a dare, or Yagami ignoring me.

_I think I'd rather be ignored._

And this was the thought I took with me into the crowded gym.

As soon as my foot stepped onto the wooden floor I felt incredibly self-conscious. I was wearing the shirt Wammy-san had sent me, but I'd refused to wear B's tie. I was regretting that decision as I scanned the hall and found that _all_ the guys were wearing black ties… and jackets.

_Shit, I didn't realise it would be so formal._

Just as I'd expected, everyone was glaring at me. I didn't know whether it was because I was the only one without a jacket and tie, or because I was on my own, or because I just wasn't socially acceptable in general, but whatever it was, it was uncomfortable.

But I guess my subconscious had been at work during my scan of my classmates as my eyes fell on a particular person standing towards the back of the gym, at what looked like the drinks table. Amane was still clinging to his arm in an outfit hardly appropriate for a high school girl in public. The length of her black lace skirt would have made a Dutch prostitute blush. And as usual, Takada and Mikami weren't far away, although it looked like – much to Takada's distaste – they had come as a couple.

I decided it was better not to induce any unnecessary conversation with Yagami as such may cause yet more ridicule. Instead, I opted for an empty table at the edge of the hall and sat, waiting until an appropriate time to make my exit. B would have just sent me back if I returned home too early. I had considered hanging around town for a couple of hours, but in these clothes I wanted to be seen by the public as little as possible.

Resisting the temptation to get a drink – as Yagami was still very close to the table – I simply bobbed my head in time to the cheesy music, cringing every so often at the ridiculous lyrics. I love you this and Don't leave me that. A sick bucket would have been much appreciated.

I was forced to concentrate on a rather uninteresting part of the wall as two of my classmates decided it was safe to sit next to me, only to start eating each other's faces within thirty seconds of looking into each other's eyes with that disgusting look I've seen Amane give Yagami. Who, interestingly enough, never returned it.

After counting the number of tiny cracks in the paintwork three times, I thought it diplomatic to leave the love birds in peace and get something to drink. It was just my luck that Yagami had not moved from the spot since I walked in. Trying my best to ignore him and the dirty look I received from his girlfriend, I picked up an unopened bottle of an orange substance I hoped wasn't too alcoholic.

I heard some whispers from behind my back and guessed that Yagami's friends were trying to get him to talk to me again. _Seriously, can't they just leave me alone?_

"Lawliet-san!" His voice sent a shiver down my spine, but I didn't turn, just walked casually in the other direction as if I hadn't heard. "Lawliet!" The calls persisted, but I was determined to hold my course.

Pushing through loitering couples holding hands or- urgh - I made my way to yet another uninhabited table. But a hand on my shoulder held me back from my goal.

"Lawliet-san, wait."

I span on my heel, dreading how my heart would react to seeing his face again.

Sure enough, his smile took my breath away. I was beginning to sound like one of the cheesy songs raging through the speakers, something was seriously wrong with me.

"Yes, Yagami-san?" I tried to keep my voice steady, but speaking fluently in your sixth language while gazing into the eyes of possibly the most attractive seventeen year old guy on the planet with a smile to rival an angel's and the figure of a Greek god was not easy. Especially when he was wearing a very trimming suit and his hair was – if it was possible – even more perfect than usual.

"I w-t-d t- -sk –oo s-th-g." Was all that could be heard over the blaring music. The DJ was the third person I had considered murdering in two days.

"Sorry, Yagami-san, I can't hear you!"

"What?"

"I said I-" He grabbed my arm and dragged me towards the door, leaning into my ear.

"Sorry, Lawliet-san, I can't hear you. How about we go outside where it's quieter?"

I just nodded dumbly while my brain took in the situation.

I was being forcefully _dragged_ outside by _Light Yagami_ so that he could talk to me… _alone._

Whoever came up with this dare was a very cruel human being.

As we reached the small courtyard space out the side door of the gym, I heard Yagami mumble something, but it was incomprehensible over the beating of my heart.

My eyes were locked on his face. The moon was full in the sky and emitted a ghostly white light, highlighting the blossom on the Sakura trees that surrounded the quiet space and drifted through the air when the slight breeze blew by into the secluded spot. The same moonlight smoothly reflected off Yagami's tanned skin, making it glow. His hair shone as it framed his magnificent features and I had to try my hardest to resist the urge to reach out and replace a lock that had fallen out of place. The music from within the hall drifted out, muted by the closed doors, making it more than bearable. In fact, I found that it was actually quite pleasant to hear while looking at the angel before me.

A stray blossom petal drifted by his shoulder, and I had to mentally pinch myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming

I soon after realised that he was in fact trying to talk to me, but I was lost in his eyes. The eyes I felt like I could fall into and be enveloped by his very soul.

"Lawliet-san? Lawliet, are you alright? You look… kind of… well I was going to say like a paedophile, because you really do, but I don't think that would be quite diplomatic, so I'll settle for… ill."

I scoffed in a rather unattractive manner and immediately scolded myself for it.

"Um… no, I'm fine, and I'm sorry for looking like a paedophile. I've been told I look like that a lot."

"Oh, no, you don't usually… I mean you look normal… well not normal, but… oh, hell that came out wrong… you don't look normal, but I think that's cool… oh dear, that sounded cheesy…"

I lifted my hand as a gesture to stop digging, although I would have liked to hear how he talked himself out of it, which he most probably would have done in a beautifully eloquent manner. My head span for a while as I took in what he had said.

_He thinks I'm cool?_

Yeah, it was definitely a dare.

"Yagami-san, have you been dared to talk to me?"

For a moment his expression was completely blank, then confused – which I have to say was quite adorable – and then he laughed.

"Of course not, Lawliet-san, what makes you think that?" He said, still fighting back his laughter.

"Well, no one would talk to me out of their own will, especially not you."

He continued to chuckle and ended turning a light shade of pink. "Lawliet-san, I thought I would be able to have an intelligent conversation with you, but if this is all you can come up with." He turned and started back towards the door to the gym, but I lunged and caught his arm.

"Wait, I'm sorry, it's just… no one ever talks to me, I guess I just…"

By this time, Yagami had stopped and was facing me completely. But I had yet to remove my hand from his arm.

_I'm touching Light Yagami… again! _My inner fan-girl squealed and I only just manage to stop myself from visibly grimacing.

"Oh, sorry, Yagami-san." I lifted my hand slowly, but Yagami caught it mid-air and brought it into a hand shake.

"Light, please."

I paused for a couple of seconds to process what he meant, then answered, "L."

_I'm on first name terms with him. OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG! _I really did need to rein that girl in a bit.

"Anyway, L-kun, I wanted to ask you something."

My heart shouldn't have reacted in the way it did, but after the last couple of days, anything could happen.

"Are you free tomorrow afternoon?"

"Hell yes!" I clamped my mouth shut with my free hand and cursed my tongue for acting before I gave it permission. "I mean, of course, Yaga- Light-kun."

His smile blew me away and for a moment I felt like I could have been knocked over by the slightest waft of the wind if Light's hand hadn't been steadying me.

Speaking of which, it was still held tightly in my own. But he didn't seem to notice, so who was I to spoil the moment?

"Great, I would love to play tennis with you again, and I know the perfect place to have a game just down the road from me. How about we have lunch? I don't mean to sound like a stalker or anything, but, I know where you live, so I'll pick you up at say… half nine-ish?"

"Sure, there's a place I go to a lot that does _the_ best chocolate fudge cake on this planet."

"It's a date."

…

…

_Fuck._

_It's just a figure of speech._

_It means nothing._

_Then why the hell are my cheeks bright red?_

_Maybe it's because he's squeezing your hand._

…

_Shit._

Yagami withdrew his hand and glanced down at his watch.

"Damn, I left Misa alone with Kiyomi-chan and Teru-kun, she'll have probably had a breakdown by now without me."

I officially hate Misa Amane's guts. With a passion.

"Of course, you go, Light-kun, I better be getting home anyway. B will get worried if I'm out too late, he'll probably think I've been beaten up seeing as I don't have any friends who could've held me up this long."

"Well, I guess you do now."

I froze.

_He's my… friend? He said it himself. I have a friend of my own… and it's Light Yagami. Well fuck me; a lot can happen in two days, huh?_

"Well, I'll see you tomorrow, L-kun."

"Uh, yeah. Bye."

I took a moment to watch him go. The slight swing of his hips showing off his oh-so magnificent ass as he sauntered towards the door of the gym. His hair bounced up and down, the light glinting off it in caramel rays. The Sakura petals fell around him, making his frame that of a fairy-tale prince wandering off in the moonlight. That must be it; this is a fairy-tale. It can't be real. I've read too many soppy love stories and they're corrupting my dreams.

Because that's all this is… a dream.

_Ouch._

Then why did it hurt when I pinched myself?

_**AN: Kawaii! Teh cuteness reigns supreme, people. Anyways, hope you enjoyed it and please please please please please review, because the more reviews I get, the faster I update, kay?**_

_**^.^**_


	4. Reputation

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or Teenage Dirtbag or Nutella. However, I do own a jar of said delicious chocolaty substance.**_

_**Warning: Well, it's not really that big of a deal, but there are some MelloXMatt shenanigans early on. Nothing graphic, just what's heard from behind closed doors. But then again, if you're not a fan of yaoi, you wouldn't be reading this, would you?**_

_**AN: Thanks for the reviews/favourites/alerts. I'm sorry, but I'm on a roll with this one so I'm going to have to neglect Riches to Rags for a bit. No one cares, huh?**_

Teenage Dirtbag

Chapter 4: Reputation

''_I'd love to have a re-match, baby. Come with me tomorrow; don't say maybe. I'm just a teenage dirtbag baby like you.'_

"You're back late, you get mugged?"

Why did I know that was the conclusion he would come to?

"No."

Beyond was standing in the kitchen doorway, holding a jar of jam. "So where have you been, then?"

I sighed. "You know very well where I've been, B, it was Prom night tonight."

"You mean last night."

I glanced up at the clock on the wall and gasped slightly when I found that it was nearly one o'clock in the morning. "Oh."

"Come on, spill, you never get back later than eleven."

_Well actually I was having a conversation with the most popular and attractive guy in school, and then I went to the park and stared into the lake wondering what the hell happened to my life and I must have lost track of time… _"Well… I…"

"AHHHH!" An erotic cry from upstairs interrupted my explanation.

"Oh, fuck, not again. I keep telling them to keep it down up there, but what can you do with two teenage boys in love, eh?"

"Drown them? Then at least we'll have time to leave the country before the bodies are discovered…" I thought of the lake I had just been staring into. _If we tie rocks to their feet, it would take a while for them to reach the surface again…_

B rolled his eyes while I tried to keep the image of what Mello and Matt were doing in their room out of my head.

Which was rather difficult, as they weren't doing a very good job of keeping it private.

"M-MATT! AHH!"

_It's always when Mello's uke… he's so damn loud!_

"Ok, this is just needlessly awkward, I'll explain later." I made my way for the stairs, hesitating as I grabbed the handrail. I didn't particularly want to approach the loud thumping and excited screams, but alas, my bedroom was further down the hall than theirs, so I would have to go past it.

As I made my way towards the last door on the left where I could seek my refuge and drown out all evidence of Mello and Matt's activities with Iron Maiden blasting through my headphones, I hit their door with my fist. "Shut up, you two!"

I doubted that they would hear me, or care if they could.

Suddenly Mello's scream of pleasure ripped through the air and my mind was overcome with images of a certain Light Yagami.

My field of vision was taken up by his magnificent torso, which I had inconspicuously caught a glimpse of during gym class in the changing room. He was usually quite private when getting changed, and didn't seem to comfortable exposed in public, but he couldn't help but be seen in class, and I may have taken numerous opportunities that arose to get a clear view of his tanned body.

Which refused to remove itself from my mind.

I ran to my room, trying my best to block out the sounds from behind me, but failing miserably, and only managing to substitute Mello's voice for Light's and imagine his body squirming underneath me. I reached my bed and dived on, fully clothed. Burying my face in the crumpled duvet, I slammed the door shut behind me with my foot.

_Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!_

The picture in my head was flipped and swiftly I was underneath the seventeen year old Adonis. His eyes held a devious sparkle and I felt the pressure of his body on top of mine, though I knew it was only where I was pressed against the mattress.

"_L…"_

"Shut up!"

"_L…"_

"Shut up!"

"_L…" _He lowered his chest onto mine and I could feel his breath on my lips. _Damn realistic fantasy!_ I felt my pants go tight and whispered Iron Maiden lyrics uselessly into my duvet.

_Go away, go away, go away…_

I must have fallen asleep at that point because when I awoke, there was a oppressing beam of light flooding through my window and I could feel a rather damp patch beneath my crotch area.

_Shit. B only just washed these. He's going to kill me…_

* * *

"Mello?"

"What is it, you cloud-headed freak of nature?" At the breakfast table, Mello and Near were having yet _another_ staring competition, and from the way Mello's eye was twitching, I could tell that Near was going to win. Again.

Despite this, they were both quite adept at eating their breakfasts without the use of sight. Mello managed to navigate the slice of Nutella-laden toast – I say laden, because that quantity of chocolate cannot be considered as 'spread' – into his mouth without so much as a flicker of movement in his eye sockets. Likewise, Near gracefully manoeuvred the glass of milk up to his lips, took a few tiny sips, and placed it back on the table uneventfully.

Matt, however, could not be said to have been eating anything but gluttonously. He shovelled his cornflakes down his throat as if he hadn't been fed in a week. Which I knew wasn't true, because Matt couldn't go without food for more than three hours, usually topping up on crisps throughout the day.

My family is known for our questionable eating habits. Neither myself, nor B uphold any normality either. At first glance, Beyond would seem quite natural, eating toast and jam, but if anyone were to examine him further, they would notice that most of the time, he left out the toast. As for me, well, one has only to take one look at my breakfast to see why I get funny looks in the cafeteria.

What can I say? I like cake. And ice cream. And sugar cubes – _don't ask… _And 'Hello Panda'. And anmitsu. And ohagi. And pocky. _Kami bless Japan!_

While I thought of all the deliciously sweet treats that this beautiful country had to offer, Near continued speaking.

"Have you taken my manga?" _Near reads manga?_

"You read _manga_?" B voiced my thoughts. He has a habit of doing that. _Freaky brother mind-reading creep._

"Indeed I do. Shocking, I know, but I do need some time to relax my brain every now and again." The little albino spoke without blinking once, much to his rival's annoyance. "So, Mello, have you taken it?"

"Of course not! Why would _I _want to read _manga_? Stupid baby-girly shit, only elementary school-ers read manga. And crazy paedophiles for kicks. I mean, they're _comic books_!" he paused. "Wait – what was it called?"

"Kowarekake no Omacha."

Mello rolled his eyes back in thought. "Nope, not that one."

"Oh, so elementary school pupils, paedophiles and Mello." I decided to add my contribution to the conversation, feeling somewhat left out. _And trying to hide the fact that it was me who took the-_

_What. The. Fuck?_

_It was _Near_'s?_

Before I could stop myself, I blurted out, "Near? You read _yaoi_ manga?"

An awkward silence hung in the air and all eyes were on me.

Then Mello burst out laughing.

"AHAHA! _YOU_ read _YAOI _manga? BWAHAHAHAHA!" The next thing I knew, he was on the floor and Near's face had turned a rather striking shade of red. Contrasted with his white skin, he looked remarkably like a very cute candy cane.

_Mm… candy canes…_

"L?" The candy cane spoke, hiding his eyes beneath his bangs. "How exactly do _you_ know the genre of the manga."

Mello went quiet as suddenly as he had started. However, this silence lasted only a few seconds, as B joined Mello on the floor and they recommenced their laughing fit.

This time it was my face that had reddened.

Between scoffs, B blurted out – to add to my embarrassment – "So that's why you soiled your sheets. Wow, I'm going to have to read it if it's that good."

Matt couldn't help but giggle, and Near breathed a sigh of relief that he wasn't centre of attention any longer.

I looked down to find refuge with the sugary matter that was proving to be my only friend, only to find that I had finished the cake, and all that was left was a rather lonely looking empty plate.

_I can't even find comfort in cake._

Feeling dejected, I decided to retire to my room, but not without one last stab at them.

"I'm going upstairs. And by the way," B and Mello had recovered enough to be sat back at the table, but they were still grinning like idiots, "I'm going out with Light Yagami later, so you don't need to make me lunch."

I left them with the ambiguity of the words 'going out' as I turned away, pretending not to notice the line of 'WTF did you just say?' faces.

Later followed by Mello voicing that exact statement.

* * *

I searched for at least half an hour for suitable clothes. _What does someone normal wear when going out with a friend?_

I decided to stay safe and wear my usual no-nonsense white t-shirt and baggy jeans for the lunch part, but I could not find a clean pair of shorts or polo shirt for the tennis match.

_Damn, that'll teach me to do my own laundry…_

"B!"

No reply.

"B!"

Still no reply.

"Beyond Birthday, where the hell are you?"

I chose to grab him in person and ran to his room, glancing at the clock which to my horror read quarter past nine.

I didn't bother knocking; he couldn't have been doing anything worse than I've already walked in on him doing before. Or that he'd walked in on _me_ doing, either, for that matter.

"B, where the hell is my clean gym kit?"

I froze.

"What the hell is _that_?"

"I believe, little brother, that it is the yaoi manga that Near was asking about and that you took from him."

"It was on the table, I did actually ask whose it was."

"Whatever. I can see why people like this so much."

"Right…" I drew my eyes away from the tent in his pants and reminded myself that I didn't have time to make fun of him. "Anyway, where's my clean gym kit?"

"How the hell should I know?"

"You are the one who washes it."

"Whatever. I don't know."

"Stop saying 'whatever' like an idiot."

"There's nothing wrong with saying 'whatever'."

"You sound like you have an IQ of twelve."

"Whatever." He smirked. "So, why do you want your gym kit?"

"Light-kun and I are going to play tennis. Speaking of which, I have about ten minutes until he arrives, so I need to find something quickly."

B's mouth gaped open. "So, you really are going out with Light Yagami."

"In the non-romantic sense of the word, yes."

He raised his eyebrows. "Sure."

He put the manga down and stood up; I tried very hard not to let my eyes fall onto the bulge between his legs.

He eyed me up and down and I was becoming increasingly concerned.

"You should have told me sooner. I really need more time to make you look at least presentable, but alas, ten minutes will have to do."

The events that followed I wished never to recall.

Before I knew it, I was dressed in one of B's black shirts with the top three buttons undone and a pair of dark grey skinny jeans, which felt extremely uncomfortable. "How do you wear these, B? They're so frikkin' tight!"

"Grin and bear it, honey, it's the price you pay for looking good."

The next thing I felt was yet more pain, but this time on my head. I cried out in agony as my sadistic brother dragged a hairbrush through the mass of black frizz on my head.

"Did you wash your hair this morning?" He questioned.

"Of course I did, I do every morning."

"You're going to have to start using conditioner. This is useless."

With a few sprays of what I guessed was dry conditioner and some more tugs, he stood back, mildly pleased with what he had achieved. Then he grabbed a bottle of greenish liquid from his side table and sprayed my chest with a hideous smelling mist that I presumed was some form of male perfume.

"Hey! I don't want to smell as awful as _you_!" I waved my arms in an attempt to rid myself of the disgusting odour.

"Trust me; it's a hell of a lot better than what you normally smell like."

I scrunched my nose up to tell him that I wasn't convinced.

"Seriously, Yagami-san will appreciate it."

I was resigned to believe him; he did know a lot more than I did about this kind of thing.

"Look."

He pointed towards the long mirror on his wardrobe door and I moved hesitantly towards it.

I closed my eyes as I approached, not ready for what awaited me.

"Come on, look!" B's excited voice did not help me in _any_ way.

I managed to force myself to look at the abhorred monster I suspected I had become and was surprised to find B staring blankly back at me from the other side of the mirror.

However, when I reached up to touch the straight, shiny locks of black hair that fell in front of my eyes, the Beyond on the other side did the same and I was forced to accept that this mildly attractive young man in the mirror was me. Because he _was_ mildly attractive. Probably not in the conventional sense of the world, but my pale skin contrasted with the black shirt quite nicely, and my neck almost glowed an ethereal white.

Although I stood in my signature hunched position, I looked completely different.

I lifted my finger to my lips and was still surprised when the image before me did the same.

"Not bad, if I do say so myself." Beyond appeared behind me and patted me on the shoulder.

"I look…"

"Stunning? Gorgeous? Handsome? Breath-taking? Divine? Fabulous..."

"Gay."

The look on his face was priceless. It was a cross between hurt, confusion and something else.

"But you are, aren't you?"

Of course, I was a Wammy, so I _had_ to be gay.

But I _did_ like Light…

_Oh hell, I've never thought of it like that…_

"Well, yeah, I suppose, but…"

"Then what's the problem?"

… "I guess… I just look _too_ gay. Like… it's _really_ obvious."

It was the skinny jeans. It had to be.

I was about to remove them when there was a knock on the front door.

"Well, you're going to have to deal with it."

B ran down the stairs and I almost screamed. "Beyond, no! I'll get the door! Don't open the door!"

Dressed like a flaming homosexual or not, I would rather face Light Yagami like this than let Beyond Birthday greet him. He would probably have a heart attack. _Why do I feel a strange sense of irony...?_

I dived down the stairs and managed to push my brother through the open living room door to the right, sending him to the ground, laughing.

"Alright, alright, I won't scare your boyfriend."

I could feel my cheeks flush and I cursed him for making me blush before I opened the door to Light Yagami.

"And don't forget your gym kit."

_Damn!_

B saw the look on my face and threw a black sports bag at me. "It's in there, don't worry, I packed some of my stuff."

I prayed to anyone up there that he hadn't packed skimpy lingerie for a joke, but there was no time to check as Light knocked on the door again.

"Coming!"

"You will be later." B winked and I put my middle finger up at him. He could have such a dirty mind sometimes.

Regaining my composure and taking a deep breath, I opened the door to my destiny.

_Hell that sounded cheesy._

_**AN: If you're wondering what the title's about, I was really at a loss with this one, it took me ages to think of it and I'm still not happy with it. Oh well, anyway, it's referring to the Wammy's reputation for having bad eating habits and being gay. Stupid, I know.**_

_**Anyway, bad title choice aside, I'm sorry that this chapter wasn't as long as the last one, but I didn't want to add any more to it. Again, reviews are gratefully accepted, and they make me update faster. And if you don't review, I shall send Matty and Mells to hunt you down, and you wouldn't like them when they're angry.**_


	5. Rematch

_**Disclaimer: Death Note = not mine. Teenage Dirtbag = not mine. Prada = not mine. Hollister = not mine. Borat = not mine (thank Kira). YouTube = not mine. Small, deformed cactus named Lawliet = mine as of Saturday. Yays!**_

_**AN: Yes, the yaoi manga Near was so ashamed of IS in fact a real manga and I don't own that, either. And, ok, I've run out of song.**_

Teenage Dirtbag

Chapter 5: Rematch

I pulled the door towards me. "Light-kun, sorry-"

Linda-senpai simply stared at my face for approximately twenty two seconds. Then scanned my body up and down. Then stared at my face for another seven seconds. Then leant in towards me and sniffed the air between us.

"Is that- Are you wearing Beyond's cologne?"

"… Maybe."

Speak of the devil and so he appeared over my left shoulder. "Ah, Linda-chan, you're here early!"

_Please, for the love of all things sweet and sugary, don't let Light-kun walk down my road before I get them inside…_

The term 'worried' didn't describe how I was feeling. One look at B and Light would be running in the opposite direction at the speed of… well… light. _I could so use that pun to my advantage one day…_ Name-based puns aside; I still had to get B out of the doorway. He had somewhat of a reputation in school for being a… hm… 'bully' didn't seem to quite fit right. _Torturer. Tormenter of the weak._ Something along those lines. No one can think of as many ways to use jam to inflict pain and humiliation on someone as B can.

I shuddered to think I was actually related to _that_. And I couldn't even pull the 'adopted' card, because he really was – surprising as it may seem – my biological brother.

Back to the matter at hand, the two third-graders were _still_ loitering in the public eye.

"So, Lawli-kohai, who's the lucky fella?"

"I _told_ you I looked like a flaming homosexual."

"Well, you are, so I don't see why it's a problem." B raised an eyebrow; I couldn't be bothered to think of a comeback to that.

"So, who is-" Linda-senpai froze. "You… said… 'Light-kun'… when you opened the door."

"Yes, Linda-senpai, I did."

"I don't suppose there's anyone else called 'Light' around here that you may be acquainted with, by any chance?"

"Only one that I know of, Senpai."

"Well fuck me with a barge pole."

"I'd rather not."

"No, we all know who you _would _like to fu-"

"B!" B chuckled maniacally. He had a habit of doing that.

Linda-senpai was beginning to do a rather convincing impression of a gold fish. "You mean… you and… _Light Yagami_?"

"It's not like that! We-"

A small cough alerted me to the presence of someone else in our front yard.

_Shit. Shit. Shit. How much of that did he hear? Has he seen B? No, of course not, he wouldn't still be here if he had…_

Speaking of which, B had disappeared. I dreaded to think what he had planned that meant he didn't want to embarrass me straight away. It must include far more embarrassment later on.

"H-hello, Light-kun."

"Good morning, L-kun. Is this your girlfriend, is that why you look so embarrassed?" Light glanced at Linda-senpai and I could have fallen to the floor in fits of laughter right then and there, had it not been for the beautiful teenager beside me, who I did _not_ want to make a bad impression on, nor humiliate myself in front of.

"Oh, no!" Linda-senpai, however, was not so successful in restraining herself. "Hahaha! Me and Lawli-kohai! Ahaha!" She almost doubled up, clutching her stomach.

"Alright, Linda-senpai, calm down."

"Is the thought of being with L-kun really that bad?" Light had yet to be let in on the joke.

"Oh, no, Yagami-kohai, it's just… well, I'm more into people of your girlfriend's variety."

That was Linda-senpai's subtle way of letting him know she was a paedophilic lesbian. And that she fancied the pants off Misa Amane. Why she did, I will never know.

Light's face went pale for a second.

"Light-kun, you look ill, are you alright?"

"Oh, yes, sorry… I didn't know…"

Oh, that's right, not everyone is as accustomed to our homosexual tendencies as we are. _Poor, innocent little Japanese boy… _

'_One day I'll teach you the weird and wonderful traditions of the Wammy's…' _Why did my inner thought sound like B's voice?

"Forgive me, Light-kun, I forget sometimes that others are not as… habituated with our… customs as we ourselves are."

Linda-senpai scoffed. "That's the genius' way of saying 'I forgot that not everyone is a flaming homosexual.'"

Light's face turned from white to pink in a very short space of time.

Speaking of homosexuals of the flaming variety, luckily Light had not seemed to notice my appearance…

… Until he gathered the courage to cough in an adorably coy way and take his eyes of the now grinning Linda-senpai.

"Oh." Was his simple reaction. He perused my body from head to toe to head again with a look on his face that I couldn't decipher.

_Shit. Now he thin- knows I'm gay. Perfect, he's going to be totally freaked out for the rest of the day. Thanks, big brother._

"L-kun, you look…"

_Gritting teeth now…_

"Handsome."

…

_Ok, what the fuck just happened?_

He made a similar action to the one Linda-senpai had earlier and sniffed the air near my chest – which to my dismay was quite openly on display. _I really need to sort out those buttons… _"And you smell good, too. What is that?"

I blinked. "I really have _no_ idea, Light-kun."

My mind took a few moments to come to terms with the words that had escaped his lips. _He's… complementing me?_ I was confused beyond belief as Linda-senpai quickly bowed and made her way indoors, sending a mischievous wink in my direction.

"So, ready to go?" _That smile is too charming to be legal._ Seriously, that guy could have been a mass murderer and the world would remain oblivious.

"Of course, Light-kun." I was really going to exploit his name now that I could use his first.

It was at that moment that I noticed what he was wearing. Then wished I hadn't.

Those ever-so tight-fitting khaki pants that I've only seen him wear once to school and one that occasion had more nose-bleeds in a day than I have ever had in my whole life. The ever-so tight-fitting white Prada t-shirt that clung firmly to his well-defined abs and was just transparent enough to see a hint of his beautiful golden tan shining through. _Really, Light-kun, Prada? The phrase 'Flashing the cash' comes to mind. I didn't even know Prada _made_ clothes. _

And then, to top it all off, the jacket…

_Pink?_

I blinked. Then blinked again, just to make sure it wasn't my eyes playing tricks on me.

It wasn't.

And I thought _I_ was the gay one. Well, what a pair we were. A flaming homosexual emo and a Hollister model in a _pink_ jacket.

_This isn't going to be awkward in the slightest…_

* * *

Luckily, I found that B had not supplied me with skimpy lingerie instead of a gym kit, he had, contrary to my earlier belief, packed me something sensible. Despite the smell of jam being emitted from them, the black polo and shorts were a far better choice than I would have made.

However, this _was_ Beyond Birthday. And he had, indeed, ventured to embarrass me at _all_ costs.

I held the offending article between my thumb and forefinger while Light was mercilessly trying to replace a lock of hair that had dared to slip out of place by a millimetre, totally absorbed by the felonious image in the mirror.

_Where the hell did B get a Mankini?_ I daren't ask.

"L-kun, do you ha-" The look on Light's face was priceless. Seriously, people would _pay _to see that.

"Um, what is it, Light-kun?" _Just smile and pretend you're not holding this disgusting item of… clothing? Does it even count as clothing? And why the fuck is it in my gym bag?_

"Uh… Well, I was just going to ask you the same question, actually."

_So, he's never seen Borat, huh? Well, I'm going to have to do something about that. Next date: DVD night at mine._

_Wait-what? Date? I did not just think that._

_Just shut up and explain yourself._

"Light-kun has never seen Borat?"

Blank expression.

"I'll take that as a 'no', shall I?"

Nod.

"Then you shall have to some over to my house one day and watch it."

Nod.

_Whoa… I just asked Light Yagami to come to my house and he _accepted. Of course, he could have just been stunned by the… yeah, well, you know.

"So, what exactly _is_ that?"

"Um… well… it's a Mankini."

Blank expression.

"It belongs to my brother. Please don't ask, Light-kun."

* * *

After the unfortunate incident with the… _cough… _we finally managed to get out onto the court. This, however did involve quite a lot of time half way out the door of the changing room when Light caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and either stopped for a moment to check himself out, or noticed something 'wrong' with his appearance. Something may have slipped out of my disobedient mouth about him being perfectly gorgeous all the time, but I was in too much of a daze to notice anything I said.

There was a completely valid reason for me being in a daze. It was not every day that you found yourself in a changing room totally alone with Light Yagami, and neither was it plausible to not take advantage of the situation in every way possible. Like complimenting his abs and in return receiving the opportunity to poke them. Which I took… and exploited by fitting in multiple pokes of 'astonishment'.

And so, eventually, we ended up on one of the secluded courts – apparently Light's personal favourite – and here we stood in awkward silence, each waiting for the other to either speak or serve.

"Um… I think you should serve first, L-kun, seeing as you lost our last game." He handed me a ball over the net.

"Of course, Light-kun, but just be prepared to have to serve at the beginning of our next match."

"Oh, feeling confident, are we?" He flashed me a cheeky smirk that had my heart racing.

"Maybe, Light-kun." I mirrored his expression and tried to hide the fact that my breathing had increased rapidly in the past ten seconds, and we hadn't even started the match yet.

Determined to not get distracted like last time, I channelled my mind to think only of the ball flying from one side of the court to the other. Not the deliciously tempting hunk of man-meat opposite me that was returning every shot I threw at him…

My thoughts wandered, yet again, to the tanned skin that was starting to glisten with a thin layer of sweat as every swing of his arm increased in pace. The glowing caramel hair that danced in the air with each dive. The mischievous grin that alighted his face whenever he thought he had beaten me, only to be wiped off moments later when I returned the shot. The glint in his eye that flickered behind the hazel orbs I found myself gazing into, ruining my previous endeavour to avoid getting side-tracked.

Yet again, that naughty polo shirt he was wearing rode upwards and revealed just a tad more skin than I could bear without consequence and I lost concentration in the critical seconds.

The next sensation I felt was a sharp pain in my forehead, coupled with the feeling of the ground beneath my rear.

"Ow." Was all I managed to mutter as I lifted a hand to my head, to find a growing lump of sore flesh.

"L-kun! I'm so sorry! Are you alright?" I vaguely made out Light running towards me, jumping over the net and leaping to the ground next to me.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Luckily it hit my head, and nowhere important."

He laughed nervously and touched the spot where the ball had collided with my skull. His fingers were so gentle and soft; it felt like a feather being drawn across. My eyes closed of their own accord and I leaned into his hand subconsciously. He didn't seem to notice, but put slightly more pressure on my head. "Does it hurt?"

"Only a little." I said, eyes still closed. There was a faint throbbing in my temple, but I chose to ignore that in favour of basking in the skin-to-skin contact, small as it may have been.

"Maybe you should go to hospital."

"That won't be necessary, Light-kun." _I want to spend as long as possible with you; I'm not going to some hospital and wasting precious time._ I didn't even have the will to correct myself for sounding like a love-struck teenage girl. What did I care if I was going soft? If it meant being with Light Yagami more, I would've danced on a stage in a pink tutu in front of thousands of people – including _Mello_. _I never knew he meant _that_ much to me…_

"If you insist, but if you feel sick or dizzy at any point, I'm taking you straight to A and E. Ok?"

_Hm… I wonder if he would hold my hand…_

Mental face palm.

"Thank you, Light-kun, but I assure you that I am perfectly well. And I _will _beat you one day."

"Sure." He rolled his eyes.

The delicate brushing of his fingers disappeared and he straightened up, holding out a hand for me. I took it and heaved myself up to join him…

… And immediately regretted it.

The world span around me and I felt the ground beneath me tip, forcing me to fall directly into Light's awaiting arms. _How did he know I was going to do that?_

"L-kun, hospital – now."

"No, no, I'm fine, really I am. I just got up a bit quickly, that's…."

I made the mistake of looking up into Light's eyes as I said it and the words caught in my throat. He was holding me as if I was some fairy tale Princess that had just fainted into the arms of a dashing Prince Charming. I was still leaning back, supported by him and my face was inches from his. His expression was one of concern and something I could not decipher. But in the glowing mid-day sun with a soft breeze wafting locks of perfect hair over his smooth, acne-free forehead _– how the hell does he manage that? – _and Sakura petals floating lazily around us, cushioned by the wind, I couldn't give a shit what the look on his face meant.

The world could have been crashing down around us. The fires of hell engulfing the whole of Japan. The ten plagues and four horsemen of the Apocalypse could have been terrorising the remainder of humanity and all I would have cared about were the two chocolate spheres smouldering above me.

My gaze slipped from his eyes down to the two plump, pink lines of his mouth, twitching up at the edges in a mellow smile. Those lips which I so dearly wanted to taste. They looked so _soft. _He stretched his mouth into a small grin, exposing the lines of perfect white teeth hidden behind. I forced my attention up to his breath-taking eyes once more, intent of not ruining things by going too far.

This moment was beautiful – and it was _ours._ No Misa Amane to scream pointless girly crap in our ears, no Teru Mikami to lunge at Light and as good as hump his leg in adoration, no Kiyomi Takada to cough quietly in the background, making _every_ silence awkward.

No, this was _our_ moment. And neither the throbbing in my head, nor the ache in my back at being in this uncomfortable position for too long would spoil it.

Only my annoying little adopted brother.

"Whoop! L's finally getting some action!"

"Mello, why the hell are you here? How long have you been here? And I am _not_ 'getting some action'!"

Needless to say, my romantic fantasy ended there. Along with Mello's day out.

* * *

The shower, change and walk to the café weren't half as uneasy as I thought they would have been. We actually passed the time in comfortable conversation, leisurely chatting about things that didn't matter at all, like which teachers enjoyed their jobs and which wanted to throw themselves off the nearest bridge. Matsuda-sensei appeared on the second list, purely because he had to teach Mello.

It seemed that our little 'moment' earlier had not created an awkward rift between us as I had first thought.

"So, gentlemen, what can I get for you today?" My usual waitress approached our table and greeted us fondly. She was my usual waitress because she was the only one that wasn't scared to death by the sight of me. "Oh my, L-kun, don't you scrub up well?" She eyed me up and down with and predatory look in her eye. I didn't miss Light flinch out the corner of my peripheral vision.

"Why thank you, Halle-san."

"And who's your new _friend_?" I also didn't miss the subtle emphasis on her last word, either.

"Halle-san, this is Light Yagami. Light-kun, this is Halle Lidner, the only waitress in this establishment that will dare approach me."

The blonde woman blushed and shook her head. "Oh no, it's not that, I like serving you, L-kun."

I had to say it; she was a very good actor. I knew only really served me to get close to Mello.

"Nice to meet you, Lidner-san." Light gave her a flash of his million-dollar smile and she went visibly weak at the knees.

"Y-you, too, Yagami-san…" Flutter of eyelashes. _Really, Halle-san?_ "So what's your order?"

"My usual, please, Halle-san." Ignored.

"Um, I'd like the ham and cheese salad, please." Doted upon.

"Of course, Yagami-san, anything to drink?"

"A coffee for me, thanks. L-kun?"

Well, I didn't give a damn whether I had Halle's attention, at least Light was looking at me.

"Tea, please." Again, ignored.

Throughout the whole of our order, Halle never took her eyes of Light. To be perfectly honest, I couldn't blame her, who _would_ want to take their eyes off _that_?

"So, L-kun, you said earlier that you had a brother, right?"

"That is correct, Light-kun." My face went slightly pink as I recalled under which circumstances the matter had been addressed. _Why a Mankini? Why?_

"I didn't know that. How old is he?"

"He's in the grade above us."

"Really?" _Please don't ask, please don't ask…_ "At our school?"

Gulp. "Yes."

"Do I know him?"

"Uh… well… do you know Beyond Birthday?"

Light tapped his chin for a second and then a light bulb lit up inside his head. "Oh! You mean the really creepy one with red eyes that terrified the life out of me on my first day and flushed Teru-kun's head down the toilet? I hear he covers people in jam and then licks them clean, films it and puts it on YouTube. He's absolutely sick; does he bully your brother?"

My gaze was fixed on the pair of glowing red eyes just to the right of Light's head.

_He did _not_ just hear that, right? Oh fu-_

"Pleasure to meet you, too, Kohai!" Beyond jumped out from behind Light's chair and presented him with an outstretched hand. I knew this was going too well.

_Not the creepy smile… not the creepy smile…_

Sure enough, B had _the_ most paedophilic, perverted, insane smile I had _ever_ seen. He looked like he was going to rape poor Light on the spot. Said teenager was literally shaking.

"Um, Light-kun, this is my brother, Beyond Birthday."

Light looked like you could've knocked him over with a feather.

"I'm so sorry!" He jumped out of his seat and bowed maniacally. "I didn't know… I mean- I… I shouldn't judge people before I meet them in person and I'm sure you're a nice guy but I-"

"Alright, alright, calm down or you'll hurt yourself bowing like that." B patted his shoulder and pulled up another chair to join us.

"And who exactly invited you?" I stared, disgusted at my arse of a brother sitting around the corner from me. _Although I'll have to congratulate him on Mikami's swirly._

"I did, that's who, and you should respect my decisions, L, for I am your older brother."

"I know, and I've just been reminded why I wish I had been adopted without you."

"Now, now, Lawlipop, you know you love me really."

Light barely supressed a giggle.

"Something wrong, Light?" I winced as my brother yet again forgot that we were in Japan and left off the honorific.

"Lawlipop?" He scoffed, trying his hardest to restrain himself, but failing miserably.

Speaking of miserable…

"Oh yeah, it's my nickname for my little bro here."

"It's cute." _Oh fuck no. Light Yagami did not just call my brother's nickname for me cute…_

"Isn't it just?" B wasn't helping the matter by tousling my hair.

As if sent from above, our food arrived.

"L-kun?"

"Yes, Light-kun?"

"Aren't you going to have anything… savoury for lunch? Don't you have a main course before your dessert?"

I glanced down at the plate in front of me. Chocolate fudge cake. My usual.

I looked back up at Light and tipped my head to the side. "No. Is something wrong?"

B laughed from beside me. "Normal people don't eat only sweet things, Lawli, you freak."

"You can talk, jam monster."

"Is that really the best you can come up with?"

"…"

"I'll take that as a yes."

* * *

B stayed with us the whole time. And unfortunately, managed to win Light's favour rather extraordinarily. By the time we had finished our meals and were outside, Light was in fits of laughter at my expense as Beyond was telling amusing stories of my childhood.

"And then he said 'But Watari, I couldn't hold it in and no one was in the swimming pool."

My face was bright red by this point and I chose to ignore the two maniacs behind me, clutching their stomachs.

"Aw, Lawlipop's embarrassed!" I was hardly surprised to hear that nickname coming from Light's lips, but I cursed myself for the fuzzy feeling it left in my chest.

"Please never ever refer to me as that _ever_ again, Light-kun."

"Aw, I'm sorry, L-kun. Please don't be mad." Oh fuck, he was just so _cute_ when he pouted like that.

"Well, I'll leave you two lovebirds alone; I promised Linda-chan that I'd go back to hers after I'd had my fun."

I winced at B's choice of the words 'love birds' but Light didn't seem to notice.

"It was very nice meeting you, Beyond-senpai." _Yeah, I'm sure it was…_

"Please, call me B. No honorific. We don't use honorifics to speak to our family."

_Family…_

I couldn't help but grin as Light's cheeks flushed slightly. _Finally, it's his turn to blush._

"I'm sure Lawli would prefer it if you just called him L, too." It wouldn't have been so bad, had B not proceeded to raise his eyebrows suggestively. _Damnit, I always end up blushing more!_

"Sure thing." _Did he just wink?_ "See you again sometime, B."

"Of course, you'll have to come round and meet the whole gang!"

_Oh hell no, anything but that… please!_

"I'd love that."

Beyond started off down the road towards Linda-senpai's house, but turned back to face Light after only a few steps. "By the way, Light,"

"Yes?"

"Take care of my little brother will you, this is his first date and as he is so obviously the uke in this relationship, you'll have to walk him home. But no funny business, ok? I may like you but I'm still his older brother and if you do anything out of line I _will_ hurt you. Comprende?"

The wall looked like a nice, hard place, so I proceeded to smack my head against it, repeatedly.

_Today wasn't a good day for my poor head, huh?_

"L?"

_He just said my name._

"L?"

_He just said my fucking name._

"Lawlipop!"

"What the fuck do you want?" _Oops…_

"I knew that would get your attention!"

"Sorry, Light-kun, I didn't mean to shout."

"Oh, don't worry, I understand. And call me Light, please."

_Fuck._

* * *

We walked in silence back to my house. _Guess he's taken B up on that walking me home shit._

"So, this was really your first date?"

"Yes… I mean no! I mean- it wasn't a date, right? Wait- what?"

"Don't worry, L, we're just kidding around."

…

_Why do I feel so disappointed?_

"But I've had a great time today. We should definitely do this again." He must have noticed my dejected face and quickly changed the mood of the conversation.

"Yeah, everything except finding a Mankini in my gym kit, getting hit in the head by a high-speed tennis ball and then having _two_ of my family members turn up out of the blue and embarrass the hell out of me."

"Well, yeah, but apart from that."

"Yeah, I suppose I've had a great time, too."

Standing at my door was one of the most uncomfortable and yet comfortable experiences of my life. The silence was uncomfortable… sort of. It was like both of us wanted the other to say something but didn't want to ruin the moment by speaking ourselves and ending up saying something wrong. Instead, I found myself staring into those magnificent eyes for the second time that day. I felt like I could drown in those eyes, and what a way to go that would have been. I would have certainly died happy.

We just stood there for what felt like eternity, but was probably only about two minutes, unconsciously leaning closer to one another until I found myself almost nose-to nose with him. I could feel his warm breath on my lips and my head was beginning to spin, and not from injury this time.

Light smiled softly once again, but it quickly turned into a breathy laugh.

"What are you doing to me, L Lawliet?"

_Wait- what?_

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Both of our heads snapped around to the door.

"Mello?" He was the only one in our household that had lungs that big. And sounded that much like a girl when he screamed…

"What is it, L?"

I ignored the beautiful boy opposite me as my brotherly instinct took over and kicked down the door. A little over dramatic, I must admit, but who gives a damn?

"Mello, what's wrong, what's hap-"

…

"I swear I am going to kill you."

Light appeared from behind my shoulder, looking concerned. But all that met his worried eyes were two boys sprawled on the floor, one beneath the other. Mello was on top of Near, grasping the collar of his pyjama shirt in one fist while the other was hovering mid-air in preparation to hit the albino boy under him. Near, however, looked un-phased by all of this and was idly twirling a lock of hair between his fingers while looking utterly bored.

Beside them lay two empty chocolate bar wrappers and I noticed a tiny brown speck on Near's lip.

_Oh no he didn't…_

"Light, I think you better be going now, there will be a lot of child abuse happening in this house quite soon and as the son of a police officer, I think it would be best if you didn't witness it."

_**AN: Long chapter is loooooooooooooong! Thirteen pages! :O**_

_**Just don't ask about the Mankini, ok? Wizards did it. It was just a filler. Do you like? Or should I scrap that idea and get on with the story in future?**_

_**BTW, Mello's appearance was xXMidnightWingsXx's idea. Thanks, Matty!**_

_**Next chapter – Light POV. It's just I've got an idea as to where this is going and I need to have some scenes without L. Complaints? **_


	6. Confusion

_**Disclaimer: O.o… You know I don't own any of this stuff, right?**_

_**AN: So, here we go with Light's POV. Quite a lot of this is Light contemplating life. Thanks to **__**xXDappledAXx**__** for the inspiration for a quote later on. :)**_

_**PS. So, just for you, **__**roomofangels**__**, here is a nice juicy lime for the time being while I pluck up courage to write a lemon. **_

_**WARNING: Lime. But you should be sensible enough to realise that this fic was going to include some form of citrus-y goodness seeing as it is M rated.**_

Teenage Dirtbag

Chapter 6: Confusion

**Light POV**

The guy staring back at me in the mirror was _not_ Light Yagami. He was anything _but_ Light Yagami.

This guy was _smiling._ Genuinely.

Light Yagami never smiles genuinely. It's always an act.

Light Yagami is a straight-A high school honour student, top of his classes, popular, attractive, polite – exactly the kind of guy you want to take home and meet your mother.

But it is always false. He never feels anything for anyone other than his family.

_So why the hell am I smiling about spending time with a teenage dirtbag like L Lawliet?_

L Lawliet.

The complete polar opposite of me, yet he still manages to be exactly the same.

His hair, his skin, his clothes, his posture, his mannerisms – they all contrast with mine absolutely. But his intellect, his wit, his way of thinking, his childishness – they all correspond with mine absolutely.

All my life I had never found anyone who could rival me academically. I was always miles ahead of the rest of my class-mates, advancing at a far greater rate. I had never found anyone who could hold my interest for longer than ten seconds with intelligent conversation. I always tired of their pointless droning on about the latest celebrities that I had no fascination with. Sure, I kept up appearances and pretended to enjoy the company of others. I would smile and nod and insert a few well-placed 'oh really's in here and there to make the masses happy. You don't get to the top without faking a few friendships. I, of all people, should know.

But then the most curious, stimulating, remarkable human being caught my attention in my first grade of high school.

He was a freak, everyone could see that. He wore the same clothes every day, boring ones at that, his hair was always a mess, he stood with his back curved over and his knees bent like an old man and he never seemed to wear socks – or shoes if he could help it. His eating habits were disgusting to say the least. I have never to this day seen him eat anything savoury. Even the way he held things averts people from his presence. Only ever touching something with his thumb and forefinger.

Yet there was something behind it all. A glowing aura that drew me to him.

I remember first experiencing his intelligence in our first lesson together. It was English and I was supremely confident that no one in the class could speak more fluently in English than I could. I was, after all, the top student in Japan.

_When I sat down at my desk I was disgusted with who I was positioned next to. The boy on my right looked ridiculous. He wore baggy clothes that no one in their right mind would dare to wear in public. He had dark bags under his eyes which made him look like he never slept. He was sat like foetus in the womb, perched on the edge of his chair. And he isn't even wearing shoes or socks!_

_I don't think he washes his hair, either._

_He must be really stupid. No one clever could look that bad. And he looks so… bored._

_That makes two of us, then._

"_Alright, class, settle down." Penber-sensei hushed the class but I couldn't take my eyes of the hideous monster beside me._

I remember that the class continued uneventfully. I was asked to recite some passages which I did to perfection, and everyone stared in awe at me as I proved myself worthy of the title 'genius'.

All but one class mate, who remained bored throughout the lesson, until he chose to open his mouth and ruin my glory.

"_Excuse me, sensei?" The strange being on my right spoke; his voice was much deeper than mine and held a slight accent, although it was barely noticeable._

"_Yes, Lawliet-san?"_

"_I believe that Yagami-san has made a mistake."_

_The whole room gasped and turned to face the source of the preposterous comment._

_Light Yagami does not make mistakes._

"_And what do you think he should have said, Lawliet-san?" Penber-sensei looked between me and him with amused eyes as he saw my shocked expression._

"_He said _'I could easily forgive his pride, if he not had mortifed mine.' _Whereas it should have been _'I could easily forgive his pride, if he had not mortified mine.'

_The whole class was silent. Every word that had emerged from his lips had been spoken with flawless pronunciation, both Japanese and English. I looked down at the book in my hands. It read _'Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austin' _I could read it clearly enough. I could read English clearly enough. Then why did I make a mistake? Light Yagami _never_ makes mistakes. Light Yagami is the top student in Japan. Light Yagami is perfect in every single way. Who the hell does this Lawliet think he is?_

"_You are correct, Lawliet-san." Penber-sensei was impressed with him and I could not bear it. _I_ was meant to be top of the class. No one else was allowed to be intelligent. "Although, I would have been surprised if you hadn't spotted it, seeing as you are English yourself."_

_He was cheating! That wasn't fair! But he had spoken the Japanese perfectly as well…_

"_I am only one quarter English, sensei, but I do admit that it is my first language."_

_I couldn't help myself; I was too intrigued with this boy to ignore him. "So what else are you?"_

_He turned to me with cold grey eyes and I barely repressed a shudder. "English, Japanese, Russian and Italian."_

"_Can you speak all of those languages?"_

"_Yes, and more besides."_

_That was it; I was completely enthralled by this boy. Curiosity… that's all it is. I am in no way 'enthralled', merely curious._

"_So, what other languages do you speak? I only speak Japanese, English and French so far, but I'm planning on learning German and Spanish."_

"_As well as English, Russian, Japanese and Italian, I can also speak French, German, Spanish, Hong Kong Chinese and some Arabic."_

_My mouth hung open like a retarded fish, but I couldn't help it. This guy was _amazing_._

I soon found out that he excelled in all other subjects, as well, although I surpassed him in Shodo and home economics. But he was always a close second.

I quickly developed somewhat of an obsession with him; however he seemed to have forgotten about me since our first encounter.

I would monitor whatever he was doing intently, drifting my eyes over to him while he worked, watching that awkward way he held his pencil, yet still managing to write fluidly. I convinced myself it was out of jealousy.

I would watch him at lunch, even though I found his eating habits revolting. Each sweet that entered his mouth made my stomach turn, yet I found that I could not tear my eyes away. I convinced myself it was out of detestation.

Every time he would speak in class – which was rarely – I would listen intently, either trying to find fault, or just basking in the depth of his magnificent voice. It was so soulful and smooth; I swear I could still to this day listen to it for hours on end without getting bored.

Just like earlier.

I couldn't convince myself it was anything other than what it was today.

No one has ever made me feel that way.

I was actually enjoying the conversations we had. We spoke about everything and nothing. About how most of our classmates annoyed the hell out of us for not being as intelligent as we are. Sure, we're obnoxious, but when you're this sexy and smart, you can afford to be a bit up-yourself. Ok… a lot up-yourself… in my case anyway.

I found myself hanging on his every word. He was the only individual I had ever truly held a meaningful dialogue with, and the subject wasn't even supposed to be meaningful.

I closed my eyes and sighed. I was looking way too far into my…. relationship with L. He was just another class mate… who happened to match my intellect and wit and keep my attention for longer than ten seconds. And also may or may not look absolutely rape-worthy in the clothes he had on earlier…

…

No.

Light Yagami does _not_ consider raping _anyone. _Especially not _guys._

Despite the fact that rape is illegal and I wish to join the police force in future, it would be unhygienic… unhygienic and incredibly tempting right now.

_Damnit!_

What the fuck was this guy doing to me?

He's the opposite of everything I find attractive, but I can't seem to look at anything else when he's around. I have to stop my eyes wandering to parts of his body that should not be the subject of my field of vision. I couldn't help but risk a glance behind me while we were changing just to see that fabulous torso of his completely exposed. That pale skin juxtaposed to his raven hair. Those divine hips that jut out from his waist. The defined muscles that ripple beneath the surface.

Reopening my eyes, I took in my appearance in the mirror.

I looked like I always did: the epitome of perfection. But something had changed.

It's official…

Light Yagami is gay.

I should have known, really, what with all the beauty products I use and the evident disinterest in women. I just thought I was asexual.

Or maybe just exclusive?

_No, no, I'm definitely gay._ I shuddered at the memory of my last year in Middle school when I saw an advert for the latest range of Abercrombie and Fitch clothing and had a wet dream that night about one of the models. The _male _one.

The less said about that, the better.

_But I have a girlfriend…_

I shuddered again as I recalled the high-pitched squealing of my 'girlfriend', Misa Amane. I couldn't even remember why I ever agreed to go out with her.

_Probably because she's an upcoming model and we look damn good walking down the corridor together._

But that was all it was. We looked good together. It was good for my image.

_Why do I want this image again?_

At that moment a memory I didn't realise I had kept in the back of my mind appeared.

One day in my first grade of high school, during my shadowing of the mysterious 'Lawliet' I had come across a note book he had dropped on the ground. Being the polite, considerate young man I was, I picked it up and was about to call out to him when I noticed the cover. It was quite plain, just a white background with black English lettering in gothic font. It said 'Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but then it gets boring so I go back to being me.'

I've always tried to be perfect; to be whatever everyone wants me to be. My parents, my class-mates, my teachers, they all want me to excel at everything from academic studies to social skills. I've never considered it to be anything other than normal; that was just the way I was. But was there something better that life holds out there for me?

Fake happiness was the best I was going to get, wasn't it? I've never believed in 'true love' or the soppy crap that's in the latest Pop songs; life is an act. Period. I love my parents and my little sister, but that is all, and that is unconditional. I have always known that I would never fall in love by choice.

… Thought that I would ever fall in love by choice.

_No, I have not fallen in love. I am Light Yagami and I am seventeen years old. Light Yagami does not fall in love, especially at the age when hormones are at the peak of confusion and don't know enough about these silly emotions to know what love is._

I chose to abandon my standing position and collapsed on my bed.

Burying my head in my pillow, I decided to block out all thoughts of L Lawliet and his extremely sexy ass.

_Mental face-palm…_

* * *

"_Mm… Light…"_

"_What is it, L?"_

_His beautiful face was centimetres away from mine, a slight blush adorning his defined cheeks._

"_Light…" He moaned my name and leaned closer, our lips brushing, sending a shiver down my spine._

_We were lying on the ground of the tennis court; the sky was almost black, with a scattering of pin-prick stars. I felt the sharp gravel beneath my side, but the body pressed against mine distracted me from the slight discomfort._

_L's arms were around my neck and I could feel his breath on my lips as he pulled away from the kiss. I found my arms wrapped around his waist and tightened my grip to bring him even closer, basking in his warmth. He was too skinny, despite the number of calories he consumed each day, and I felt the need to protect his delicate frame, shielding him from the cold wind that was now howling around our entwined bodies._

"_Light… please…" My head tipped to the side as I worked out what he wanted me to do. I noticed a distinct lump pressing into my thigh and when I shifted he sighed._

_I was only too happy to oblige. One of my arms released his torso and reached down for the zipper of his pants while my lips busied themselves with his neck._

_His skin was soft and I planted tiny kisses in a line down from his jaw to his collarbone. When I reached the bone jutting out from his chest, I nipped the skin with my teeth, exciting small gasps from the boy in my arms, who now had his hands in my hair. I couldn't have cared less about its usual perfect arrangement as his long slender fingers tangled themselves up in my silky locks._

_I lifted my head to reach his lips again, determined this time to make it last longer and deeper. I found that this was an easy task as L all but begged me into dominating his tongue. Not to be too submissive, he licked the top of my mouth and I groaned; his tongue was so soft and felt like a feather being brushed across. His fingers dug into my scalp as I tunnelled deep into his mouth, mapping out every groove and crevice in the delicious cavern._

_Reluctantly, I pulled back for breath, breathing in every drop of L's mouth-watering scent. My eyes fluttered open to see him looking terribly adorable, his eyelids half closed and an innocent blush glazed his cheeks. He looked so vulnerable; I could've flipped him over right there and then and fucked his brains out. The only thing stopping me was the knowledge that I would probably rip something of vital importance… and that I didn't actually know what to do._

_My hand found the entrance to his pants and wasted no time in unbuttoning and unzipping the barrier between us. _

_His hands disappeared from my hair and started to unbutton my shirt; I noticed that I was no longer wearing my fabulous Prada T-shirt and was sporting a black shirt that I usually wear for school. _

_My conscience screamed in protest as my chest was exposed to the bitter air, but L's fingers were now trailing down said exposed chest and I wanted nothing more than to be available to him._

_He removed his own trade-mark baggy white T-shirt and my eyes drifted down his perfectly formed – if not slightly under weight – chest and torso. The fingers of the hand that weren't engaged in ridding him of those annoying pants that just refused to budge, stroked the pale skin that had presented itself to me. L emitted a soft purr and I almost drooled at the sound._

_Sensing the difficulty I was experiencing with his lower region and the partnering clothing, L unzipped his own pants and shuffled them down his legs, kicking them off the rest of the way. Not to be unfair, I did the same with my own until we were both lying, panting in nothing but our boxers on the freezing cold ground._

_I questioned why he was still wearing those damn boxers._

_Taking it upon myself to rid him of them, I pulled at the waistband until his fully hard length sprang out into the open._

_Hungry to hear more of the delicious noises that L emitted, I gently stroked his member in a painfully slow rhythm. He squirmed at my touch and squeaked. Actually squeaked. It was the most cute, appetizing noise I had ever heard._

"_P-please, Light… s-stop teasing m-me…" I grinned maniacally at the boy writhing in my grasp, so weak and defenceless against my twisted mind. I was getting far too many kicks out of this to let him have his way._

_The evidence of this was the growing bulge in my own boxers._

_He glanced down, gritting his teeth, and behind the whimpers I heard a strained laugh. Before I knew it, his hand was firmly wrapped around my cock and pumping rampantly. _

_I barely supressed a screech as his cold, deft fingers seemed to dance up and down my weeping erection. The world was spinning around me, and I could no longer feel the harsh ground beneath my side, it was like I was levitating on a cloud of pure pleasure. I continued to stroke him distractedly, and he, too, seemed to be having trouble concentrating._

_My vision was going fuzzy at the edges, a white haze threatening to cloud my sight completely._

_And then he stopped._

_The strain between my legs was painful, and I involuntarily ceased motion as well. He grinned evilly and I cursed him under my breath. The cruel smirk remaining on his face, he lent down and licked the tip of my throbbing cock quickly._

"_Shit!" I gasped through my teeth. This was torture! "L!" His tongue continued to flit out and catch me at agonising intervals. "Damnit, L!"_

_In another sudden burst of movement, his lips found mine in another heated kiss and his hand resumed its previous task. I could feel my eyes roll back into my head under my closed eyelids and my whole world tipped over as I reached my climax._

"_L_!" I sat bolt upright as a scream escaped my lips before I could control myself. I glanced around me at the tangle of bed sheets and pillows that had been tossed around during my… uh… dream.

"L-Light, dear?" My mother's anxious voice met my ears from the other side of my bedroom door and I thanked Kami and whoever else was up there that I thought to lock it as I came in earlier.

I looked down and saw to my dismay that I was, indeed, covered in a rather questionable sticky substance. I cursed myself for not getting changed before lying down and ripped off the soiled garments. "Yes, Okaa-san?"

"Uh… are you okay, kobito?"

I rushed to my wardrobe and grabbed the first shirt and pants that met my hand, returning to my bedside chest of drawers for clean boxers. "Of course I am. I just had a nightmare, that's all."

"Really? It's unlike you to be sleeping outside of your usual hours. You haven't had a nap in the day since you were five years old."

"I'm fine, it's just all this studying is keeping me up later, I need to regain my strength somehow." I added a loud yawn on the end for extra dramatic effect.

"Well alright then, dinner will be on the table in about five minutes."

Light-expert actor extraordinaire-Yagami reigns supreme once again.

After changing and stripping my bed, I made my way downstairs. _It's a damn good thing I do my own laundry._

"Light? Are you alright, son? Your mother said you were sleeping and had a nightmare." My father was sitting at the table already, along with my little sister, Sayu. Okaa-san was obviously serving up the evening meal.

"Don't worry, Otou-san, as I said, it's all this studying. And I'm seventeen years old, a little nightmare is nothing to worry about, it was probably that new movie I went to see with Teru-kun, it was pretty scary."

"Ooh! Is that the new horror film based on that manga 'Death Note'? I hear it's got some really creepy scenes in it with Shinigami and a crazy maniac with a God complex!" Sayu all but squealed at me, bouncing up and down in her seat.

"Yes it is. It's not that good, trust me, but those special effects sure are realistic."

"I was gonna go see it with Mayumi-chan next Thursday."

"Sayu, you're too young to see it. No way in hell will anyone ever believe you're eighteen."

"They believed _you_ were eighteen. How did _you_ get into a R18+ film?"

"Yes, Light, how _did_ you get into a R18+ film?" My father giving me a scrutinising stare._ Oh shit, way to go, Sayu._

"Oh come on, tou-san, I'm eighteen in two months, that's nothing."

"Yes, dear, you have to remember that you were young once." My mother yet again saved the day while bearing delicious food.

* * *

"You should invite Misa-chan round for dinner again sometime, Light. She's always a ray of sunshine."

_Yeah, and a pain in the ass. Now, I do know one pain in my ass I wouldn't mind…_

Cough.

"Well, actually, I was thinking of bringing a new friend of mine round to meet you." _Slyly avoiding the subject of Misa…_

"Oh really, how lovely!" My mother always got excited easily.

"You haven't broken up with Misa-chan; have you, Onii-san?" Sayu's pout rivalled even the young model in question.

"No, I haven't," _… yet… _"But I do want to have other friends."

"Of course, Light, it's good that you want to see other people. You can't just belong to Misa-chan, Mikami and that Takada girl. In fact, I'm glad you are hanging around with someone else for a change." My mother's proud smile almost broke my heart. _If you only knew what I felt for this guy…_

"So, Onii-chan, what's their name? Do I know them? Is it a _giiiiiiiiiiiiiirl_? Is she pretty?"

"Calm down, Sayu, he's not a girl."

Another Misa-type pout was thrown my way.

"I though you didn't want me to break up with Misa?"

"Well, no… but a backup plan wouldn't be a bad idea, and I don't like that Takada person, she's too… 'refined'."

"I don't particularly need your approval of my choice of partner." _Slyly avoiding the word 'girlfriend'…_

"So what's his name?"

"L Lawliet."

…

…

…

_Clatter._

"What's the matter, dear?" My mother was currently wiping frantically at the spot where Otou-san had dropped his glass full of sake.

"L Lawliet?"

"Yes, tou-san, is there a problem with my choice of friend?"

Sayu simply giggled from beside me.

"Of course not Light, whoever this boy is, I'm sure he's lovely." Okaa-san answered for him.

"It's not you that seems to have the problem, kaa-san; I was asking tou-san."

My father remained silent for a while longer before closing is eyes and sighing. "You're friends with a… _Wammy_?"

"Yes I am. What's wrong? Do you not like the Wammy's?"

Sayu's giggle erupted into a full on fit of hysteria. "_L Lawliet!_" She managed to blurt out between scoffs, "_You're friends with the school freak!_"

Meanwhile, my mother remained completely ignorant and confused.

"There is nothing wrong with him, _or_ his family. He is as intelligent as me, if not more so. He is polite… ish, and is far more interesting than any of my other class mates. Sure, he may act a little… weird… and not look like everyone else, but I admire him for being himself."

"He sounds nice." My mother was trying her hardest to make Otou-san see sense, but it wasn't working.

"Nice?"

_Here we go…_

"Nice?" My father's face was deepening in colour. "They are… immoral!"

"Immoral? What's that supposed to mean?" I demanded.

"They have no respect for anyone but themselves! They flaunt their private lives in front of everyone else! They commit deeds that are unnatural and unsafe!"

"So you don't like them because they're all gay?"

Sayu's laughter increased in pitch, while my mother's face paled.

"You homophobic, narrow-minded-"

"That's not all, Light."

"But it is part of it."

"What they choose to do behind closed doors is no business of mine. But when it starts to affect other people…"

"And what exactly do you mean by _that_?"

"I mean, Light, that I do not want you to be seen with those kinds of people. I do not want you to get mixed up in their mess."

"What? So you think that they'll turn me gay and have me participating in orgies every Saturday night?" _Half of it's been done already…_

"That's not what I meant."

"Then what did you mean? Please, enlighten me."

"He is the younger brother of Beyond Birthday, is he not?"

"Yes, and that has any relevance because…"

"We have arrested him on various charges almost every week from when he was twelve years old, but he always manages to bribe himself out of it with his Uncle's money."

"So?"

"I don't want you getting involved with any of that."

"L isn't like B, he hates his brother!"

"But they still live under the same roof."

"That has nothing to do with it!"

"He has already corrupted two of the younger ones. We have caught Mihael Keehl on numerous charges of assault and shop lifting. And Mail Jeevas was found hacking into the NPAs national data base."

"L isn't like that!"

"Maybe not, but getting close to one of them means getting close to Beyond Birthday, and I do not want you near that boy."

"Why? Because he covered a few people in jam, licked them clean, filmed it and put the videos on YouTube? We've all done some crazy, slightly illegal things in our lives!"

"Light, he's a murderer!"

…

_**AN: Whoa, even I didn't know that was going to happen when I started writing this chapter. Sorry about all the dialogue in the last bit, but there wasn't much in the first bit, so that evens it out a little, huh?**_

_**As for the lime: what do you think? First ever attempt at citrus-y-ness. Success? Or not…**_


	7. Mistaken

_**Disclaimer: … Why the hell would I be writing Fan Fiction if I owned Death Note?**_

_**AN: Ooh, cliff hangers. Don't you just hate them?**_

Teenage Dirtbag

Chapter 7: Mistaken

**L POV**

You know something's up with the world when I, L Lawliet, am found whistling on the way to school.

If I didn't get enough weird looks from people around me because of my appearance, I certainly did for my sunny disposition.

"L, did you find a slice of cake under your bed that you'd forgotten about last night or something?" Mello was finding it hard adjusting to a 'happy' older brother.

"No, my dear child, I did not. I am simply content with the world and basking in the glory of a beautiful morning."

Beyond couldn't supress his laughter any longer. "Oh please, you're little crush took you out for lunch and you come back like this? I think your face would crack from smiling if he actually got around to asking you out."

"So that's why he looks like the Cheshire cat on speed." Matt didn't even glance up from the Nintendo DS in his hands as he made his rather accurate observation.

"So what if I'm happy? Am I not allowed to feel this common, most delightful emotion called joy?"

"You're never happy." Mello pointed out with a shrug.

"Well now I am so deal with it."

* * *

I power-walked to my homeroom, hoping that Light might be there early and we could talk some more. I loved talking to him; he actually understood what I was going on about and came back with equally intelligent responses.

I barely supressed a grin as I saw him sat at his desk, staring out the window deep in thought. He was so beautiful. His tan skin glowed in the morning sunlight and his caramel hair fell down over his forehead like a crown of silk.

_Calm yourself, Lawli, he's just your friend, if you keep thinking like this you might end up raping him. And that would make things between you more than a little bit awkward._

_And you'd get arrested._

"Hey, Light…" I glanced around at the shocked faces, "-kun." I didn't want them to resent Light because they thought anything was going on between us.

To my surprise, he ignored me and continued to stare out the window, his chin resting on his hand.

Deciding that he probably hadn't heard me, I sat down next to him at my desk and tried again.

"Good morning, Light-kun."

No response.

"Earth to Light Yagami?"

Nothing.

"Oh, come one, that spot of grass can't be _that_ interesting." Silence. "What, has a murder notebook fallen from the sky and landed in the courtyard? Don't tell me, you're planning to pick it up and kill criminals, creating an ideal Utopia and ruling over the new perfect world as a supreme God."

My quiet laughter died down as he rolled his eyes and turned to me with a deadpan expression.

"Excuse me?"

_Did I hit a nerve?_

"Oh, so there is someone in there. I was beginning to worry that you'd died of boredom, Light."

"Don't call me that."

"What?"

"It's Yagami-san to you, Lawliet."

I couldn't help it as my mouth fell open. I must have looked like a fish, but I didn't care, my heart made a 'meep' sound as it sank to the bottom of my ribcage.

"Oh, so you don't want to be seen as a friend of the 'freak', right?"

He turned back to his beloved window and muttered something inaudible to human ears.

_So that's how it is. I thought he was different… Last time I trust anyone._

_It hurts so much..._

* * *

It is safe to say that my mood had somewhat dampened by the time I wandered into the cafeteria. Even Kenwood-san's apple pie couldn't cheer me up, and that was what worried B.

"L, seriously, what the hell happened? This morning a dog could've shat on you and got away without being kicked, and now all of a sudden you look as if you're ready to jump of the nearest bridge."

Always the blunt one.

I considered his metaphor. Indeed, I don't think I would have kicked a dog for shitting on me this morning, but that didn't really mean anything, because I'd be a bit reluctant to kick a dog anyway, but the second bit confused me. I, L Lawliet, master of concealing emotions, looked that bad? Sure, I felt betrayed and disappointed, but suicidal? Then again, this was B speaking.

"No, B, I do not want to throw myself off the nearest bridge."

"Good. So what's wrong?"

_Everything…_

"The first friend I ever have goes and acts like a douche to me because he doesn't want to be seen talking to the weird kid of the class."

"Light being a dick?"

"Basically."

"I thought he was a good guy. Well, that'll teach me to judge people on first impressions."

I sighed and stabbed a piece of apple pie for the seventh time.

I finally had a friend and he turned out to be just like the rest of them.

Only this time it was different. Light was different. I'd never met anyone in the world who could uphold a conversation with me other than my brother and my cousins. He was the only one who I thought I could be myself and not be judged around.

I wondered if he would be himself – or what I thought was himself – when no one was looking.

I was sure that I had him down to a tee. I could read all of his expressions. Every time he spoke to anyone else, I always saw the same bored flatness in his eyes that no one else noticed. I could hear in the tones of his voice when he was interested in something or not. Whatever act he chose to perform, I could see straight through it.

But this was so sudden; I had no idea where it came from.

I couldn't just leave it without fully understanding why. Not being able to talk to him for a while might actually make me suicidal.

I'd never felt this way about anyone before, I was used to being on my own. So why did I feel like shit when I thought about life without Light? It would be pretty damn dark, pardon the pun. But I'd only had a friend for about five days, and now when I go back to the way I was before, everything seems to have changed. My life felt... empty without him.

I had to confront him.

* * *

"Li… Yagami-san!"

He slammed his locker door closed with a little more force than was necessary and turned his head to look at me over his shoulder. "Yes, Lawliet-san?"

It stung to hear him refer to me as that. "Why are you pretending like this?"

That was it; I could see it in his eyes. This was an act. But there was also something else there… _regret?_

He sighed and looked around, making sure we were alone. "I can't be your friend anymore, Lawliet. I just can't."

I fought back the urge to cr- no. I wasn't even going to think that word. He would not lower me to such things.

"W-why? Because your little minions won't like it? Because they'll think that you're weird for hanging out with me? Do you really care that much about what they think? I thought you were different, Yagami-san, I thought that you actually wanted to be my friend."

"It's not that, Lawli, I do want to be your friend, but…"

"But what, Mr Popular? Does your reputation mean so much more than your happiness?"

He stood there with a blank expression on his face for a while, I could see the torment behind his eyes.

"It's nothing to do with me…"

"Then what is it about, Light?" _Who gives a damn what I call him now?_

"My father, he…"

"What? He doesn't want you to be my friend because of my family's reputation of being gay, is that it?" My heart softened slightly, I wouldn't mind so much if it was something like that…

"No, although he wasn't too keen on that, either."

"So what then?"

There was a long pause as he tried to find the right words to say, I supposed that wouldn't hurt me as much. It was too late to worry about that now.

"He told me… about what happened to your parents. He told me that Birthday-senpai is a murderer. And that he… he laughed at their funeral… and he got away with it… and he was really _good_ at leaving no evidence, which suggests that… he was experienced…"

I was speechless.

Then I was upset.

Then I was downright angry.

"_B, YOU RUIN EVERYTHING!"_

I screamed at the wall as I punched it. And again. And again. And again.

By this point, Light had left and I was alone in the corridor.

* * *

I guess it wasn't the wisest decision in the world to tell my older brother what Light had said, but unfortunately, he had been the next one to walk down the corridor and it just sort of slipped out.

Along with my fist.

And then my foot.

And then we were storming through school and I feared for Light's life.

"_Light Yagami, come here NOW!" _

Light turned slowly, lifting his hand to silence a worried Takada. "Sorry, my father told me not to speak to murderers."

I quivered behind B, feeling the heat radiating from his body with rage. "Say that one more time and I _swear_ I will make sure that you won't be able to speak to _anyone_ ever again."

Light faced B completely, eyes wandering to me every so often, then snapping back to glare at my older brother. "Well, I wouldn't put it past you, you've done it before."

People were beginning to back away from the scene as a vein popped in B's forehead. "And of course, you'd know everything about that, wouldn't you, daddy's boy?"

"My father told me everything. You may have been good at covering your tracks, but there are still those who know the truth."

"The truth, eh? I suppose your father would know the whole truth, wouldn't he? How I killed my dear parents and watched them burn in the house that they used to take so much pride in. How I laughed at their funerals, bidding them good riddance as they were lowered into their little wooden boxes and buried deep under the ground. Did he tell you all that, huh, Light-chan?"

Light winced slightly, but nodded.

"And did he also tell you how the night before all this happened I was lying in my bed, holding my little brother in my arms, quivering beneath the sheets, praying to God, Allah, Buddha, Vishnu and whoever happened to be listening at the time that that night wouldn't be the same as all the others? Did he tell how I was forced to watch L being beaten by our loving mother with the vase that sat innocently on the mantel piece, greeting every visitor to our cosy little home because my legs had been paralysed by the same psycho bitch earlier that evening? Did he tell you how I was tied to a chair while my caring father knocked my mother out for screwing the milkman on the comfy four-poster bed that we sometimes shared as a family before he became an alcoholic? Did he tell you how, while our mother was unconscious, _he_ _raped L right before my eyes while I was powerless to stop him_?"

…

I was frozen with terror at the memories that came flooding back. I was staring at Light, trying to push the terrifying mental images out of my head.

Light looked as if he had just witnessed murder. I should know… I had.

"Or did he miss those little details out, huh? Did he forget to mention the _reasons_ I had for putting an end to their miserable lives? Oh that's right; he must have, because no one else knew. We have been carrying this around with us our whole fucking lives."

My eyes glazed over as I recalled the pain of that night.

"I hope you're fucking happy, Light Yagami."

Images flashed before my eyes. My father's eyes glistening with hatred and insanity. His frightening smirk as he loomed over me, pinning me down onto the bed. The all too familiar pain crept up my spine as if I were being split in two. I mouthed out the cries I screamed that night.

The agony of remembrance was too much to bear and I crumbled to the floor, ignoring the gasps from around me, all I could see was his smile. His sick, twisted smile that even Beyond was far from mimicking. It sent a harsh shiver down my spine, and I convulsed. I didn't notice that B was shaking my shoulders, shouting my name. All I could feel and hear was _him_. All over me. I felt dirty; violated. My whole body trembled.

The last thing I remember before passing out was Light whispering my name in my ear.

* * *

**Light POV**

My heart skipped a beat.

L had been…

I didn't even want to think that word. He looked so frail and defenceless as he stared through me at something I knew I couldn't see even if I tried. His eyes glazed over and all wanted to do was hold him. Hold him close and tell him that I wouldn't let anyone else near him ever again. I wouldn't let it happen to him again.

But Beyond was standing between us, and he sure as hell wasn't going to let me anywhere near his little brother right now. I doubted that he would ever let me see him again.

_I'm such a dick._

_Trust me to ruin everything._

I looked into B's eyes and saw the same expression that was on L's face, but he masked it better. There was pain in those eyes, but the straight line of his lips and furrowed eyebrows gave nothing away to others without my people reading abilities.

I was about to apologise – it would have been in vain, but there's no harm in trying – when L fainted.

Well, it was more of a collapse than a faint. In all the cheesy chick-flicks, the damsel in distress fell straight as a rod into Prince Charming's awaiting arms, but L folded up on himself in a most uncomfortable manner, seeming to give up.

Without thinking, I ran to catch him, only to find B's back blocking my path.

"Lawlipop! Lawli! L!" His tone grew more and more anxious as he shook the despondent youth on the floor.

L's eyes and he mouthed something. Something that I would _not_ get my hopes up about. Never.

Until he said it more clearly.

"L-Light…" He said it as delicately as he had done in my dream, but this time I could sense the desperation in his voice and wanted nothing more than to hold him. Just hold him in my arms and rock him gently to sleep. Whisper in his ear that everything was going to be alright.

I knelt down, despite B's glare and leant into his ear. "L… It's going to be alright."

B immediately shoved me over. The fall jarred my shoulder, but I convinced myself to ignore the pain and help L. Whatever Beyond Birthday did to me, it was clear that L wanted me with him, and I wasn't going to back down.

B scooped L up in his arms and started off down the corridor carrying his brother bridal style, but L – unconsciously – pushed his face away and leaned out of his grasp.

"L-Light…"

"Oh, you've got to be fucking kidding me." B obviously wasn't too pleased at L's display of aversion to his hold and tightened his arms around his back and legs.

"L-Light…"

"After all he's fucking done, Lawli, you are officially insane."

Nevertheless, B reluctantly passed him over to me, I admired the way he honoured his brother's wishes over his own hatred of me.

"I am truly sorry, Beyond-senpai, I didn't know. My father-"

"Yeah, yeah, I get it. You can kiss my ass later, just get him home and lie him down. I'll explain to your teachers where you are."

I smiled at him in the sweetest, apologetic way possible, but it only earned a raised eyebrow in response.

Not wishing to get my head kicked in, I complied with his wishes and made my way towards the exit. Completely forgetting the girl I had previously been talking to. A quick glance over my shoulder as I pushed the door open with my foot confirmed my suspicions that Kiyomi-chan was indeed standing in the middle of the corridor, gawping at me with her mouth wide open.

_Now that's not very refined, now is it?_

* * *

The walk to his house seemed to take hours, even though I knew it could have only been minutes. The pain in my shoulder was growing, but I gritted my teeth and just concentrated on the agitated beauty in my arms.

L was muttering incoherently, but I managed to make out the words 'stop' and 'hurts'. His squirming wasn't doing wonders for his stability either. But as I assessed the situation, I decided it wasn't so bad after all.

I was carrying L like my wife. And every so often he would grab hold of my shirt and cling to me.

I loved the feeling of his skin against mine, even if it was through layers of clothing. It was… comforting. I kept whispering what I hoped were reassuring words, trying desperately to make him feel safe. Anything to stop his pain.

When we reached his house I came to a dilemma. _B didn't think to give me any keys._

_Shit._

I supposed that L would have keys in his pocket, but I had no free hands to retrieve them.

Juggling L onto one arm with much difficultly, I reached round to search his pocket. I then realised where my one arm that was supporting him was.

I had wrapped it around his back further and looped round so that he was lying in the gap between it and my body. My hand was in a rather… compromising position.

_Please don't wake up… please don't wake up…_

I felt him shift again, whining slightly. His backside clenched and unclenched under my hand and I stopped to look at his face. His wounded expression told me that he was thinking about when he was… I shook my head in disgust. It must have been excruciatingly painful. _I wonder how old he was…_

A child. He must have been a child.

_Who would do that? It's sick!_

I stood there for a moment, just gazing at his face. For a second, he relaxed and he looked… peaceful. I smiled as he sighed. I took in the innocence of his countenance and questioned yet again how anyone could something so cruel to someone this adorable. Especially when he was younger.

His hands found my shirt and again clasped onto the material, but not out of fear. This was a gentle gesture and I leaned towards him, chuckling as he snuggled into my chest. His ebony bangs fell in front of his eyes and I wanted to brush them out of the way, until I remembered what I was actually trying to do and that I hadn't got any spare hands.

Regaining control of my sense, but not pulling away from him, I rummaged around in his pocket, discarding the various coloured sweet wrappers and lollypop sticks. I finally uncovered his keys from under a pile of confectionary packaging and unlocked the door. Deciding it would be more comfortable for him; I resumed my previous bridal positioning and kicked the door open.

He stirred slightly, but quickly settled back into the warmth of my chest.

I then reached dilemma number two.

I didn't know which room was his.

I considered lying him down on the couch, but decided against it in favour of a bed. It wouldn't be too hard to find, right? It had to be the one with sweet wrappers in the bin and that smelt of him.

_Ok, I do _not_ know what he smells like… Honestly…_

_Alright then, maybe I do._

I made my way up the stairs, careful not to knock L around too much and checked each room.

The first one I found was painted black. There were various leather garments strewn about on the floor, along with exercise books and text books of all different subjects. I couldn't even read most of them; they looked like they were in German, using what little knowledge I had of that language. There was also I lot of half-eaten chocolate bars, and balled up silver foil everywhere. The whole room reeked of the sickly sweet substance.

I regretted looking further into the contents of this room when I noticed what was lying around alongside the clothes and books.

Whips.

Handcuffs.

Lube.

_Is that a… leash?_

I prayed to Kami that this wasn't L's room.

Moving swiftly on to the next, I was hit by the strong scent of jam and new immediately that this was B's room. It was also partially black – _what is it with these people and black? – _and had clothes all over the floor. Being the nosy sod that I am, I surveyed his room closer, noticing a lot of surveillance camera equipment and microphones. _Those must be the cameras he uses to film his torture-by-jam with._ Something that I hoped never to experience.

Having seen enough of that room, I checked the next door. It was completely white. The walls, the carpet, the curtains, the bedding. The only splashes of colour were the mountains of toys on the floor. There were robots, Lego towers and stray bricks, cars, dice and many remote control devices with controllers that looked far too maturely mapped out for someone who played with this many toys to understand.

I guessed that this wasn't L's room either, since it was relatively clean aside from the toys, and from his appearance, L didn't seem like that kind of person that would take pride in the cleanliness of his room. Unlike myself.

The next door down was closed. I nudged it open with my hip and met a fresh scent of new sheets. Looking around, I noticed that there were no signs of life at all in this room. There were no clothes on the floor, the bed looked as if it hadn't been slept in for a while and everything was covered in a thick layer of dust. _Guest bedroom?_

There were two doors left, one on my left and one on my right. I decided to try the right first, since it was closest, but found this to be a bathroom.

_Trust you to be awkward and inhabit the last room I check._

I had almost forgotten the weight in my arms. It wasn't fair to call it a weight, actually; he was so damn light! Just like in my dream, he was too skinny and I could feel his hip and elbow jabbing in my sides.

When I reached the last door, I had no doubt that it was L's room. There were sweet wrappers scattered as far as the eye could see, atop layers of t-shirts, jeans and… _hah, I can imagine his blush now if he knew I could see all his dirty underwear…_ I laughed to myself as I noticed one of the pairs of boxers with a repeated pattern of strawberries in diagonal strips along them.

The floor wasn't even visible past the coloured cellophane and material. Amongst the mess of clothes were text books in more languages than I knew existed. There were so many different alphabets and symbols across each of the covers, my mind tried to recognise each of them and failed dismally. I vaguely identified a couple of the books as Russian from my dabble in it after I heard that L had Russian blood in him. Others I guessed were Hebrew and Thai. I could read some of the Chinese, but most were alien to me; the ones I could understand were detective novels of some kind. There were also Japanese detective novels, as well as non-fiction books on psychology and criminology.

In the corner of the room was a desk, equally as covered in stuff as his floor. Pencils and pens were idly lolling about on scrap paper and yet more books. His laptop was open and appeared to be on, the screen was lit with only a white background and a large, black letter 'L' in Gothic font in the centre. _Not vain at all… ha…_

Suddenly realising that I was still holding him, I laid L down on his bed, pulling the duvet over him after he had settled into the mattress.

For a while, I simply stood, watching him, but when he started to whimper, I knelt beside him and stroked his hair. It was softer than it appeared, but still tangled up in its usual fashion. I swept it to the side, out of his closed eyes and admired the smooth, pale eyelids that I had revealed. The tiny purple veins were visible through his translucent skin and I felt the sudden urge to kiss them.

I withdrew slightly to control myself, and took my hand away from his hair. _Must not be found out. He'd probably hate me. He'd never speak to me again, at least, it would just be too awkward…_

His response surprised me.

He frowned in his sleep and reached out to me with one, unconscious arm. I grabbed the flailing limb and tried to tuck it back into the duvet, but he latched onto me with quite some force.

"Mm… Light…" He moaned. _Wait- what? That didn't sound like a 'just friends having a conversation' noise…_

_Must not get my hopes up…_

"Light…" He tightened his hold on me as his spidery fingers wrapped around my arm. They were slender and beautiful and images of my dream flooded into my mind. I wanted them somewhere else. But I didn't want him to stop moaning.

I tried to pull away, afraid of what I might be capable of while he was in such a vulnerable position. _Not the best time…_

His hand remained firmly on my arm as he winced at a pain I could only ever begin to imagine. He had obviously slipped out of his peaceful slumber into the dangerous territory of the memories that must have haunted him for years.

I couldn't leave him on his own with such a look on his face. I had never felt the need to hold someone in my arms as strongly before in my life. When my little sister at the age of five had cried after our cat died, I had hugged her close and longed for nothing more than to see her smile again, but this was unlike anything I had ever experienced. His whines sent shock waves down my spine. His convulses tugged at my heart with a force so strong I could no longer ignore it.

My arms flew around his frail body, the arm that had been restraining my now fell limp in my grasp. I snaked one of my arms under him, feeling every rib in his chest. _He really is that skinny… I thought I was just exaggerating…_

Uncomfortable kneeling on the floor, I crawled into the bed beside him, under the duvet. I was fully clothed and I knew the germs I was carrying on my clothes were shocking, but I couldn't care less at that moment in time. His face had relaxed, and he was cuddling into me, a small contented sigh escaping from his lips and he placed his cheek on my chest.

The feeling that invaded my stomach was a strange and extraordinary sensation that I had never felt before. It was deep and filling, but not in an uncomfortable way; like the warmth and satisfaction of a big, homemade meal on a winters day.

_Ok, now I'm beginning to sound like a love-struck teenage girl in a cheesy rom-com._

_Whoever this is, what have you done with Light Yagami? If you don't return him soon, I might actually start feeling genuine happiness. Wouldn't want that now, would we?_

The smile that had sneaked its way onto my face wasn't helping matters. I couldn't recall allowing such a natural emotion to leak into public view, but as only L and myself were present, I felt no need to remove such a stupid little hint of joy.

"Light…" He sighed again. I was getting too used to that sound; it was so serene and innocent. He was the picture of chastity, lying in my arms, unaware of his surroundings, face like an unpolluted angel. I felt as if I was taking advantage of him in some respects, but he seemed happy there, so I released my inhibitions and nuzzled into the mop of ebony hair on his head.

He smelled like strawberries and a scent that could not be labelled, simply indefinable. This was unmistakably L's natural aroma. I loved it. I inhaled deeply, basking in the beautiful warmth that I concentrated so hard on memorising. It had just replaced the freshly mown grass on my favourite smells list.

_I bet his favourite is the scent of just-out-of-the-oven cookies. I can just imagine his face…_

I stopped myself in my revelry. I had known – properly – this boy for less than five days, and I could already read him like a book, where others had failed. He was so subtle in his movements and expressions that everyone merely labelled him as emotionless; cold. But I can see through it.

Ever since our first year together, I had been studying his responses to everyday things like conversations or food. I never missed the moment his eyes lit up when he beheld a new piece of cake that had never before been on the cafeteria shelves. I never missed the indiscernible twitch of his eye when someone pointed out the obvious. I never missed the faint blush that adorned his cheeks when his brother's name was mentioned. _Not that I knew he was his brother back then…_

Even though L Lawliet hid his emotions from the rest of the world, he would never be able to fool Light Yagami.

_Apart from when he gets that's unusual twinkle in his eye. I still have no idea what that means…_

The only time I have ever been clueless as to what L was thinking was the moment outside his house when we returned from our tennis match. I had been thinking about how utterly adorable he was whenever there was an awkward silence and there was one instant that was like a curtain being dropped from behind his eyes and something slipped out into the open that he obviously didn't want to escape, because seconds afterwards it disappeared and another one of those delicious blushes danced across his face.

I refused to get carried away and think of it as more than it was. _If only I _knew_ what it was…_

I was snapped back into reality as he stirred in my arms.

_Oh shit. How exactly do I explain _this_?_

"Y-Yagami-san?" My heart sank for a moment, and then raced as he drew himself up to look me in the eye.

"Um… you can call me Light. I'm sorry about earlier; can we forget it ever happened? I was such a dick."

"Uh… yeah… sure… but…"

There go those delightful pink cheeks again.

I had trouble not gobbling him up right there and then. He looked so damn _edible_.

"Why are you… uh…"

I glanced down at my arms, which were still firmly holding him to my chest. "Oh, I'm sorry."

I immediately withdrew my limbs and felt the blood rushing to my own face to match L's.

"No, it's alright; I was just wondering how we managed to end up in this situation."

"Well, it's a long story…"

He peered over his shoulder at the clock on the bed-side table. "I appear to have a while."

And so we lay there, face to face, inches apart, discussing the events of the day that had passed. Rather awkwardly at some points. _My fault entirely…_

Until he said something that completely threw me off balance.

"You smell nice."

…

"Uh… thanks. So do you."

I had no idea where this topic of conversation had come from, nor did I particularly want it to cease.

_But what if I say something wrong?_

"Thank you." He said it so sincerely that I knew he was no longer talking about the compliment.

"For what?"

"Well, for everything. Carrying me home," Blush. "Staying with me," Deeper blush. "And uh…" If he didn't stop soon, I was going to have to rape him.

"Don't worry about it, it was a pleasure."

_I think his head's going to explode with all the blood rushing to his face. I've never seen him show so much emotion before._

"It really helped, the… uh… well, it was nice to feel something warm around me. I mean, I guess I did feel it, 'cause the pain went away and I felt kind of… safe."

This was coming from the mouth of the most intelligent and literate guy in our class. But somehow, it felt different from all the other ridiculously incompetent speeches I had heard from the mouths of all the other idiots in our class. Even though he couldn't find the right words at this moment, I knew that his thoughts were as clear and intellectual as ever.

_I think…_

"I'm glad." I could literally feel heat radiating from my own smile. It was so… _real._

He glanced up from beneath his eyelashes and my arms could no longer hold themselves back. I resumed our previous position and held him close to me. _To hell with the future, let him resent me, I just want this one moment of peace with him_.

After a second of shocked stiffness, he relaxed into once again.

_This is what friends do, isn't it? Comfort each other. There's a perfectly reasonable explanation for this that I am willing to give as an excuse if he questions it at a later date._

_Friendship. That is all it is. Because he probably doesn't like me in that way. I mean, look at the way he reacted when B said it was a date. _

But as he buried his nose in the crook of my neck and shuffled into the embrace, I was beginning to doubt those words more and more. My disobedient heart picked up and audibly danced with joy at the prospect.

_Must not get carried away… Just friends… we are just friends…_

"L-Light?"

_Just friends…_

"Yes, L?"

_Merely missing off the honorific because he's European…_

"I… well there's something I wish to tell you."

_Making him feel at home…_

"What is it, L?"

_Comforting him in his hour of need…_

"I… uh…"

"Alright, break it up, love birds. Light Yagami, get out of my sight."

I hadn't noticed the time. It was past the end of the school day and I could have kicked myself for not hearing B's footsteps on the stairs.

"I said: _get out of my sight!_"

Who was I to disobey Beyond Birthday? I would probably end up with a few less limbs than I started with.

_**AN: This is the longest chapter I have EVER written. EVER. Over 6,000 words! That's probably nothing, but it's big to me. :P**_

_**Just some fluff at the end there to make up for the angst at the beginning. I didn't want this story to be angsty, so I brought it back pretty quickly. Was it too quick?**_

_**Please review, it makes me write faster!**_

_**^.^**_


	8. Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

_**Disclaimer: Does Death Note actually include any hard core LXLight or MelloXMatt yaoi? Then I think you know that I didn't write it.**_

_**AN: Sorry for the wait, I've been obsessed with Hetalia: Axis Powers lately and can't seem to stop watching it! (Despite having Art coursework to do… :P) I like writing from Light's POV, I shall continue for at least another chapter. But do not fear, all of you who like L's POV, that'll be in the next chapter.**_

Chapter 8: Confession

**Light POV**

I found myself, yet again, staring at the strange and extraordinary face looking back at me in the mirror. I was most likely going insane, because he was smiling again.

Seriously, if this didn't stop soon I was considering turning myself into a lunatic asylum.

The tight knot that had been aching in my stomach for all of the previous night and day had disappeared, to be replaced with a soft, warm fullness. Even now, my head was still trying to comprehend the day's events.

Everything had happened so quickly, from L and I being strangers to best friends to enemies to best friends and… _what are we now?_

My head span with the possibilities of what he was going to say. _If only B hadn't interrupted us! If he wasn't so terrifying I would definitely tell him where to go._

In a matter of days my life had been flipped so many times I felt like I was going to throw up. _I know what Ronan Keating meant when he said 'life is a rollercoaster'. _

Whoa, if I was going to start analysing cheesy song lyrics, I should definitely change the chain of thought straight away.

"Light! Dinner's ready!" Snapping myself out of my foolishness, I replaced the grin with a refined, indifferent expression. _Long-time no see, old friend._ Collecting my thoughts and pushing certain ones that I certainly did_ not_ want slipping into casual family conversation to the back of my mind, I made my way downstairs.

"Hey, kaa-san, isn't Otou-san home yet?" The place opposite my little sister was unoccupied, meaning that my father had yet again failed to return to his family in time for dinner. He'd been working so hard lately.

"No, darling, he rang and said that he won't be back until late tonight, he's got a hard case on at the moment."

"Anything I could help with?" I asked as I sat down next to Sayu, eyes following the delicious feast my mother had prepared.

"I don't think he wants you getting involved with this one, Light, it could be dangerous."

"But I've helped in the past. Some of his cases wouldn't have been solved if it weren't for me." It was true; I was an asset to the Japanese police force. The NPA would have been lost on several occasions had I not assisted them in the capture of wanted criminals. It was only a matter of time before I was out of high school, college and at the top of the ladder of power. _And corruption…_

"Light, you'll have to speak with your father, but I don't want you to be in any danger."

"I'm sure it's not that bad, kaa-san."

_It might have something to do with those deaths that were mentioned in those reports I read…_

Ok, so I may have hacked into my father's police account. It was a completely harmless occurrence. I never left any traces, and what he doesn't know won't hurt him. I'm going to have to know about this stuff in a few years, anyway.

"Light's going to be the best police officer in Japan, so he may as well start now." Sayu pointed out. Not one to blow my own trumpet…_ cough…_ but she was right.

"Now, now, Sayu, be quiet and eat your dinner."

She frowned, pouting in a way that only she – or any other hormonal, put out teenage girl – could. I vaguely heard her mumble something along the lines of 'No one pays attention to me' and 'Light can say whatever he wants'. I sometimes felt sorry for her; it must have been hard to come after such a brilliant, intelligent, handsome older brother like me.

_Yeah, not one to blow my own trumpet at all…_

"Anyway, Okaa-san, would it be alright if I invited a friend over tomorrow night?"

"Of course, dear. Which one of your friends is it?"

"Um… well, remember the one I was talking about last night… L Lawliet?"

There was a long silence while the two female members of my family stared at the food in front of them, too afraid to say anything.

"I don't think that's the best idea at the moment, Light, you're father-"

"It was a misunderstanding, kaa-san. There is nothing wrong with him; there is no reason for me not to be his friend."

Another silence followed.

"Alright, then, I trust you, Light. But you'll have to mention it to your father because he was hoping to be here with us tomorrow evening."

Well, if he was going to be back late, at least it bought me some time to think of a way to approach the subject.

_Click._

The sound of the front door opening caught us all by surprise.

"I'm home."

* * *

"Did you have a good day at work, darling?"

I didn't know whether the rest of my family could feel the smothering tension in the air, or if I was having a complete mental meltdown alone.

"As good as it can be, I suppose. I was able to get away early today because we haven't had any major breakthroughs so far and it doesn't look like we're going to get anywhere anytime soon. This new case is proving difficult."

"Can I help, tou-san?" I swallowed the lump in my throat and ignored the sweat drop making its painfully slow descent down my forehead.

"No, Light, I don't want you getting involved with this one, it's too dangerous."

"But I've helped solve cases before." Despite only starting this topic of conversation to delay the ordeal I knew would follow, my immature pride was beginning to take control and I felt a little betrayed.

"I said no, Light. Not this time."

I was left to fume in silence. But it did buy me some distraction from the subject that had been throbbing in my head since the moment my father had set foot inside the front door.

There was no time like the present, I had to get it over with and sort this whole mess out. My father still believed that Beyond Birthday had killed his parents out of pure cold-hearted malice and that L was someone I should avoid.

"_Light, he's a murderer."_

_There was a deadly silence as no one dared to even breathe._

_No._

_No._

_There has to be a mistake. B wouldn't go _that_ far. He may have teased and beaten up a few more people than the average bully – and in far more imaginative ways – but he would never…_

_Then again, how long had I known him? I had had one conversation with him and I trusted him to the point of not believing my own father. Who was I to presume he hadn't gone further than GBH before he moved here? His past was a mystery._

_And so was L's._

_I hardly knew anything about them, and yet I act like I've known them all my life. They live such sheltered lives; no one knows anything about them. All I know are the different nationalities L claims to be. He might not even be telling the truth. If his older brother is a murderer and his younger siblings have all been arrested for various criminal acts, who's to say he isn't lying as well?_

_No, this is L I'm talking about. He's not like that. In the few days I have known him; I can safely say that he isn't a liar. No one could lie and hide it that well…_

_But he is a genius. He always hides his emotion, so he could easily veil the truth from me._

_There has to be some explanation._

_Due to lack of speech, I only managed to utter the word "What?"_

"_Beyond Birthday murdered his parents when he was eight years old. Afterwards, he burned the house down and staged an 'accidental gas explosion'. He created the perfect alibi by nearly committing suicide inside the same house. He set his little brother, L Lawliet, on a swing in their garden and blew it up from the inside. Judging by the wounds he received and his positioning in the house, he hadn't planned on surviving. Unfortunately for him – and humankind in general – he had not counted on the fact that because his father was an FBI agent and his home was under surveillance, and the rescue teams reached the scene in a matter of minutes._

"_He left no evidence and they were so badly burned that there were no wounds to reveal his method of killing them. This and the fact that his Uncle is a very rich inventor who could bribe his way through the justice system meant that he was never charged. But he laughed at their funerals, Light. I was there. I had worked with his father on many cases before and was invited to see them off. He laughed, Light. As their coffins were lowered into the ground, he laughed."_

_It can't be true… It can't be true… None of it…_

"_He… can't have… I spoke to… he was… no…"_

"_Yes, Light. I only wish I could prove it." _

…

I can't believe I believed him.

_Ok, slightly worried about the lack of intelligent words that choose to appear from my rather extensive vocabulary. __So this was what teenage girls feel when they think of me. _

_Mind + rather gorgeous male appearing in life = mush. Damn._

"Otou-san, there's something I need to tell you." _It's now or never._

_Enough with the damn song lyrics! Seriously, I'm sick of being a teenager!_

"What is it, Light?"

I braced myself for impact and took a deep breath. "I'm inviting L Lawliet round for dinner tomorrow." I thought that cutting to the chase was the most sensible option at the present moment in time.

"W-what? But I told you to stay away from him, Light! I will not allow that boy into my house."

"Tou-san, it was a misunderstanding, you don't know the full story."

"And I suppose you do?"

…

"Yes." If I was going to trust the Wammy's, I was going to trust each and every one of them completely.

I knew for a fact that L's reaction hadn't been faked. He had truly experienced that pain.

"Light, they are criminals. You shouldn't trust them."

"No, tou-san, they are normal people who have gone through a lot of misfortune. It wasn't their fault."

"So what is this great explanation – which you are stupid enough to believe – to the mystery that no one else could solve?"

I thought in silence for a second. I was torn between convincing my father of L's innocence and honouring his family's privacy. _Not that it matters anymore, seeing as B exploded in the middle of the corridor for all to hear. That's going to be a hard one to explain in the morning…_

But it wasn't my secret to share.

"I can't tell you, only B or L can decide whether they want other people to know or not."

There was another silence that I did not understand; my father's expression confused me.

"What did you call them?"

"What do you mean? I called them by their names."

"I didn't hear any honorifics."

_Oh. So that's what's bothering him. Oops. _

"Don't worry father, you are not going deaf, you didn't hear any because I didn't use them." I kept my expression calm and collected, as I had practiced on many occasions before.

My father's face however, was conveying all sorts of emotion. Anger, shock… more anger. At one point I thought his forehead was going to explode from so many burst veins.

"Why not?" He managed to choke out through gritted teeth. Both Okaa-san and Sayu had lowered their heads, seemingly fascinated by the woodwork of the table.

"Because they do not use honorifics to address members of their family." Realising that this answer only fuelled the fire burning behind my father's eyes, I quickly added, "They are European, and do not feel it necessary to be so polite to people they are closely acquainted with."

_Closely acquainted. He shouldn't take that too badly, should he?_

Unfortunately, he hadn't heard the last sentence, and was still dwelling on my first answer.

"Family? Since when were you a Wammy? I have already told you, Light, that I do not want you associating with these people."

I had to give him some credit, he hadn't strangled me yet.

"And I have already told _you_ that it was a misunderstanding. They are normal people who suffered great misfortune."

"Normal?" He almost scoffed. Underneath his rage there was slight hysteria.

I didn't like where this was going. _Cue homophobic, overprotective father rant…_

"What they are is not normal, Light. They are disgusting, law-breaking, murdering, flamboyant homosexuals, and I do not want you to have anything to do with those kinds of people!"

_Twitch._

"The sorts of activities they perform are repulsive, it isn't natural for men to be attracted to men, it's not the way the world is meant to be."

_Twitch._

"The human race would cease to exist if we all went about having relationships with others of the same sex."

_Twitch._

"I don't want you being led astray by those… immoral Sodomites."

I couldn't take it anymore. I exploded.

"If I stayed away from them just because they're gay, it would make me somewhat of a hypocrite!"

…

That shut him up.

* * *

The conversation that ensued was both awkward and painful.

It included a lot of 'What?'s – from my father's mouth, foul language – from my mouth, and a smack in the face – from my father's hand, directed at my face.

It was a rather unpleasant experience, and one that I do not wish to participate in again.

And so I found myself after a long, cold shower, a damp compress on my cheek and a few slammed doors later, standing in my room with a towel wrapped around my wet hair and wearing my favourite white, fluffy dressing gown. However, the shouts from beneath me were not caused by my earlier confession alone.

Because I was currently playing _'Girls just wanna have fun'_ by Cyndi Lauper on full blast – _don't ask why I have that single _– and jumping up and down with my hairbrush microphone, shouting along to my mirror audience.

I was having a bad day.

_Next step is wrapping myself in a blanket in front of a chick-flick and eating ice-cream out of the tub with a scoop…_

I felt the floor beneath me shake every time I stomped defiantly off-beat. I knew I had no rhythm. I accepted it. And I had to admit it came in handy when trying to make a point to your parents. So does not being able to sing. _Ah, sweet, sweet out of tune hollering…_

"_The phone rings in the middle of the night; My father yells 'What you gonna do with your life?' Oh daddy don't you know you're still-"_

_Crash._

I ceased my revelry to look behind me and find a very tense, very red father panting in my doorway.

Noticing my appearance, I saw a tear run down his face. I felt kind of sorry for him then. _I must be such a disappointment…_

No, this was the 21st century. _He should accept me for who I am because I am his son, regardless of my sexuality or anything else._

"Tou-san," I said in a level tone, choosing my words carefully so as not to provoke him to commit murder. "This is the 21st century; people are free to make their own decisions. I am no longer a child; I can look after myself, and I would appreciate it if you would trust me enough to let me choose my own path." He winced as my words struck a chord. "I can't help the way I am."

He seemed to accept this and I thought it diplomatic to stop the song and start my homework.

_I'll leave the hormonal girly thing for another night…_

_**AN: Short chapter is short. :( I'm sorry, but I wanted to get this uploaded to notify you of my presence and prove that I am not, in fact, dead. Next chapter will be longer, I promise. Although it may take a while because I've got my GCSE mocks soon and my mum has been getting at me to revise. O.o… NO! I HATE revision and have never felt the need to revise before. And no amount of threats of grounding or being locked in my room will ever change that… Unless of course they took my laptop away :O Heaven forbid! I think I might die then.**_

_**I'm going to flunk these exams so hard…**_

_**Review pleeeeeeeeeeese! Or my flunking will be in vain ^.^**_


	9. Awkward Turtle Over Time

_**Disclaimer: O.o…**_

_**AN: This chapter will be longer, I promise! I should be doing revision, but I'm not :P DEAL WITH IT. I'm kinda angsting right now 'cause my rents won't let me go see the newest Harry Potter at the weekend, but never fear, dear readers, for I will struggle on for you!**_

Chapter 9: Awkward Turtle Over-time

**L POV**

B did not stay long in my bedroom after Light left. Mainly because he knew that if he had, he would have been limping for the rest of his life – if I'd been in a good mood. Which I hadn't, so on this occasion, his wounds would have probably been fatal. However, he used a threat of his own to counter mine when he hid the sugar.

He would live to see another day.

Bastard.

"He's a fucking douche bag, L; I have no idea what the hell you see in him." Beyond was _still_ slating me over breakfast; his words almost inaudible around the thick slice of jam smothered toast he was currently stuffing into his mouth.

"_You_ are hardly one to talk, Beyond Birthday. After everything you've done in your life you can hardly judge someone for merely believing what their father told them." I sighed for possibly the twenty third time that morning.

"If I've learned anything in my sixteen years of existence, it's never trust your parents." Mello helpfully contributed to the conversation. "Or gypsies."

"That was your own fault, Mello, that guy was obviously conning you. I still have no idea how he made off with your wallet and the entire contents of your… um… pants... without you even noticing. You were commando, for pities sake!"

"He was a very sneaky gypsy!" The blonde's face flushed as he shouted across the table and my eardrums took another beating.

_He really doesn't need to; we're only about half a metre away!_

"I bet you thought you were getting a free hand-job." Matt snickered from beside his lover, never once looking up from the Game Boy in his hand. Judging by said lover's reaction, he had hit the nail on the head.

"I… but I- no! I mean… I didn't… he said- wait, what? No! Of course not! I mean…"

It was a comical sight, the red of his face contrasting with the yellow of his hair; it looked like an Andy Warhol picture. The pop art movement would have been proud to have a photo of it on their walls.

"How dare you even suggest that, Matt?" Mello very suddenly regained his composure and narrowed his eyes, smirking in a manner I supposed was meant to be seductive. "I'll have to punish you tonight."

_Oh no he isn't… That's revolting._

I felt Near stiffen beside me as Mello started massaging Matt's thigh, purring.

_What the fuck? He's purring?_

His hand moved up Matt's leg and his lips made their way to his ear. He plunged his tongue into the shell of it and Matt dropped his game in the bowl of milk and soggy cereal in front of him, the little bleeping sounds becoming quieter and eventually dying in a sea of white bubbles.

I felt like vomiting. Honestly, this sort of behaviour shouldn't be allowed at a breakfast table. My ice-cream sundae – _completely normal breakfast food –_ was beginning to look unappetising. And then I shook my head and dismissed the absolutely ridiculous thought and scooped up a giant spoonful into my mouth, trying desperately to look anywhere but the disgusting couple before me.

_Is he…? Oh Kami, he is!_

"Mello! Stop that right now! Some of us are trying to eat." B threw a spoon at the young boy's head and his aim was perfect as always.

_Right between the eyes…_

"Ow! Fuck!"

"Don't swear at the breakfast table! It's fucking rude."

Just another day in paradise…

* * *

The temptation to whip out the awkward turtle was overpowering as I walked into the classroom with B looming over my shoulder. He had insisted on escorting me to class, but he had just ended up making things worse.

It turned out that his little outburst the previous day had been heard by that majority of the school, including _everyone_ in my class.

And now they were staring.

But there were no accompanying whispers for me to listen to – _because no one can whisper quietly enough to not be overheard by the person they're whispering about, it's physically impossible_ – and laugh at like I usually would. There were no giggles bubbling from the group of cheer-leaders at the back of the class, or smirks from the football team who sat beside said cheer-leaders and would spend most of their time trying to catch a glimpse of their panties when they bent over. No incessant rambling about some random anime character being played by some random voice actor coming from the otakus hunched over the latest edition of Shonen Jump magazine.

It was silent.

I'd rather be laughed at than just observed as some sort of freak.

"Excuse me; do any of you have a problem?" Trust B to lighten the mood.

But I had to hand it to him; everyone did go back to their business, regardless of a couple of side glances here and there.

"You can go now, B."

"You sure you're going to be alright, Lawli?"

"You know you're just making it worse?"

"Hells yeah, of course I do. That's the point!" He grinned and winked at me as he turned to walk away.

"Bastard!"

I took a deep breath and returned to the task of reaching my seat without being evil-eyed to death.

My world had not burned down completely; Light was smiling at me…

… Over Misa fucking Amane's shoulder.

I could just make out the fragments of her squealing that were within the range of human hearing. _I hope she doesn't have a dog… Poor creature…_

I winced in pity for the imaginary dog and took my seat.

"Lawliet-san! Lawliet-san!"

Well, there's a voice I never expected to hear saying my name.

Misa swivelled, her short black skirt flying up to reveal the tops of her stockings, complete with black bows. _Seriously, who wears stockings anymore? Apart from porn stars and whor-_

"Lawliet-san! Misa-Misa is so sorry! Misa didn't know that you'd been… um…" The look on her face was one of utter sincerity and compassion. I almost felt bad for slating her so much for a second. But then she opened her mouth again and I was reminded of her voice and the reason I hated the girl. "Misa heard everything, you poor, poor thing!"

Then she did the unexpected.

She hugged me.

It was a strange experience, to say the least. Her body was so tiny and frail, like if I moved my arms in her grasp it would snap hers because she was holding me so tightly. I shifted uncomfortably under the scrutiny of the whole class, who seemed to have forgotten who my older brother was and had resumed their staring.

Light seemed to find it funny. I sent him an exasperated dead-pan expression and it was received by a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

_Those beautifully pink, soft lips…_

Not the best chain of thought to be having while in the embrace of Misa Amane.

I coughed, hoping that she would take the hint and remove herself from me, but she really was as simple as I had first thought, and she refused to budge.

"Uh… Amane-san… I'm fine, really, you don't need to-" My sentence was cut short by a small kiss on my cheek.

"I'm sorry, Lawliet-san." For once, her voice was at an acceptable pitch, and she looked vaguely normal – if you looked past the thick layers of gunky make-up hiding her face from the world and the inappropriate black lace covering little more than the essentials.

She was actually quite cute when she looked like this…

Something had to be wrong with the world.

Light, too, seemed to be having a hard time coming to terms with Misa's new maturity; his face was contorted into something crossed between shock and relief.

"Misa?"

Misa seemed to misinterpret this, however, and return to her usual, irritating self.

"Don't worry Liiiiiiiiiiiiiight~ Misa still loves Light the most! You don't have to be jealous of Lawliet-san."

Again with the screeching. _Why? My poor ears can't take much more of this. _I was actually beginning to draw parallels with another loud, annoying, hormonal blonde ion my life.

_Ooh… I don't think I'd live much longer if I told him that…_

_But it would be worth it just to see the look on his face. Even if it was the last image I saw in this life._

The small blonde bundle of squeals removed herself from my vicinity and found amusement elsewhere in the room, leaving me alone with Light.

Awkward turtle moment number two.

The last thing I had said to him was… well, _nearly_ said to him… I didn't even want to go there.

"Hello, Light." I heard a few gasps, so I quickly added, "-kun."

His smile grew at the blush I could feel adorning my cheeks. "Hello, L-_kun_." _Oh great, because _that's_ not suspicious at all…_

I glanced around, noticing that we had attracted quite a bit of attention from our class-mates. The most probable reason being that they had all witnessed Light carrying me home. "I hope Light-kun had a pleasant evening." I coughed slightly, and some of the gaping faces turned away.

"Indeed I did, thank you very much for asking. And how, may I ask, was yours after I left?"

He flashed me a dangerous smile. _Oh, so it's a competition now… _

I smirked, "Quite delectable, I trust Light-kun did not suffer too much having to carry me all that way?"

"Oh no, it was my pleasure, truly, L-kun." We had regained some of the attention that had previously been lost, and now the majority of the class was listening in.

"I hate to be a bother, my friend, please accept my deepest apologies."

"The one at fault was me, L-kun, I am sorry for causing such trouble."

"No, no, I insist it was all my doing. Light-kun was not to know about the consequences of his actions."

"Oh, consequences? I'm sorry, L-kun, but I am afraid that I feel no remorse for the consequences. I actually felt that they were rather agreeable." He winked at me and a grin flashed across his face.

_Well, two can play at that game._

I pouted in what I hoped would be an innocent way and batted my almost non-existent eyelashes, mimicking what I had seen Misa do on various occasions to charm people. "I do not remember much of it, as Light-kun should remember, I was asleep."

I could see the humour in his eyes as we played our little game. The whole room was silent, everyone had decided that our conversation was much more interesting than anything thing else they were going to hear that morning.

"Are you implying that I took advantage of you?"

"I am not implying anything of the sort, I am merely pointing out that Light-kun would be wise to ask permission before climbing into someone's bed."

"You weren't complaining."

"I wasn't conscious."

"You were eventually, and I thing you will find that it was _you_ who initiated the position we were in the second time."

I think I heard Takada faint somewhere in the distance. But she could've dropped dead and spontaneously combusted in the middle of the class room for all I cared. All I could see was the mischievous spark in Light's eye, daring me to continue.

"My state of mind had been compromised. Light-kun of all people should know that I was not thinking straight."

_Ha, ambiguity, how I love you!_

"Oh, you most certainly were not thinking _straight_."

I fought back the urge to ravish him right there and then.

He looked so… so… seductive when he said that.

I noticed the more than conspicuous open neck of his shirt, revealing a little more of that tanned skin that was really necessary. The slightly pouting lips that seemed to invite me in. The narrowed eyes, challenging me to make a move.

I would resist, because if I didn't, he would have won. And L Lawliet _never_ loses.

Let battle commence.

* * *

By lunchtime, Light and I had received approximately twenty seven dirty looks from class mates.

"L? Would you like to sit with us?" I was as taken aback by this request as Takada and Mikami, who flanked Light. They looked from me, to him, then to each other with their mouths hanging open. They were obviously not comfortable with the prospect of sitting anywhere near me.

Misa, however, seemed overjoyed. She hung onto Light's arm like a limpet, and squealed. "Yay! A new friend!"

_Well she's changed her tune since yesterday…_

I couldn't begrudge the girl; she was trying to make me feel better. It didn't exactly help, what with her attachment to Light, but it was a nice thought. And Light's disgusted expression every time she reached up to kiss him heightened my mood no end.

"Amane-san? Are you not going to eat anything more substantial than an apple?"

The blonde looked down at the shiny red fruit in her hand, then to me, then to the giant slice of sponge cake, smothered in whipped cream and strawberries on the table in front of me.

"You can't honestly expect me to keep this figure by eating food, can you?" She laughed a little and her pig-tails bounced in a _very_ annoying way.

"Well, I find that one can eat as much as they like if they burn off the calories with brain activity."

Her face dropped. "Are you calling me stupid?"

_Shit._

"Uh… uh… no! Of course not, Amane-san."

First day of being _(almost) _socially accepted – failure.

Well done me.

Swiftly, the conversation turned from Misa's intellect to other non-important matters that I soon tuned out, in favour of staring at Light. Upon noticing my disinterest in whatever the hell the others were saying, Light returned my gaze and rolled his eyes to portray his boredom.

And then, like a strike of lightening, his eyes lit up with an idea.

_The game is on again._

He picked up a spoon and started to eat the vanilla yoghurt he had set aside.

No, 'eat' wasn't the right word. More like… devour in a rather seductive way.

Before the spoon entered his mouth, his tongue would dart out to meet it half-way and lick the underside slowly. I faintly heard the distant murmurings of the people beside us, but my eyes were fixed on that tongue. That long, wet tongue, which was doing all sorts of naughty things to that spoon.

I wanted so badly to be that spoon right now.

As his lips closed around the lucky sod, they pouted deliciously. They looked so soft and full. I couldn't take this any longer, it was unfair, so I took the initiative to retaliate.

Anything he can do, I can do better.

And I had whipped cream.

Extending my finger, I dug deep into the mountain of fluffy goodness, sweeping through and winning a large dollop on the end of my digit. I drew it up to mouth, but resisted the temptation to just shove it straight in long enough to stick out my tongue and lick all the way from the base of my finger to the tip.

I saw Light shudder slightly, his composure slipping for a second, before returning to a deliberate, lustful expression that had my head spinning. He licked his lips, leaving them slick and shiny, the proceeded to bite on his bottom lip playfully. His eyebrows rose a little in a sort of sick questioning way and I wanted to answer _yes. _Just pounce right there and then.

Before I could get too distracted, I blocked out all images of his dreadfully sexy body in all sorts of wonderfully compromising positions and submerged the whole of my finger into my mouth, closing my eyes in what I hoped would look like sensual pleasure.

It certainly worked, because Light's eyebrows twitched with discomfort and his lips began to tremble. But he would not be beaten that easily.

Having let his demeanour falter, he was more determined. He picked up a banana – _wait- what? Where the hell did he get that from? That's cheating!_ – and began to peel it with his teeth. As he made his way down he growled slightly around the skin, teeth bared.

He removed the skin with swift ease, now it was time for the real test.

Just as I had done with my finger, Light licked the incredibly sexual, yellow fruit from base to tip, his eyes half-closed, but every so often flickering to watch my reaction. My face never changed.

I would not give in…

…Yet.

Seeing that his little display had not had the desired effect, he removed his tongue from the side and started flicking it across the tip. It rolled around the head, massaging the fruit gently.

My eyes may have widened and my pants may have tightened, but L Lawliet would not fall.

He obviously wasn't too pleased about this and decided to cut straight to the chase.

He covered the tip of the banana with his mouth and started to suck on it. Each time he would move a little further down and take in more and more. His head bobbed up and down and I thanked Kami that I wore baggy pants, because even if I was managing to control my facial expression, I sure as hell couldn't keep little Lawliet down.

With each bob of his head came a small moan of pleasure and I had to restrain myself from letting out a growl from the back of my throat. _That_ wouldn't be easy to explain.

He kept going and going, moaning and sighing and I felt like I was about to explode. I couldn't take it any longer; I didn't care if I lost. _Because in this game, even if I lose, I win… _

I stood up sharply, hoping the bulge in my pants was disguised by the folds of denim.

"Light-kun! I've just remembered!"

He released the poor banana and looked up at me, confused.

"Mogi-sensei said he wanted to see us about something."

His smile could've stopped my heart. "Oh yes, how could I forget?" He stood and waved to our abandoned 'friends'. "I'm sorry; I'll see you guys later."

Misa whimpered and Mikami gave me a suspicious glance, but I hardly looked back when we left the cafeteria.

We power-walked down the corridor, slow enough so as not to cause a scene, but the tightness in my crotch wouldn't allow me to go any slower.

I found myself dragging Light into the nearest toilet cubicle, too impatient to think of the bacteria or whether anyone would be able to hear us.

It was only after I had thrown him against the wall and placed my arms above his head that I realised that a) we were in a toilet cubicle and this was probably one of the most cheesy and disgusting places to do this sort of thing on the planet and b) I had no idea how to continue from this point.

"Shit." I muttered under my breath.

Things only got better.

"Matt! Hold on a second, will you? I'm not ready and there is no way in Hell that I'm going to go round school for the whole afternoon feeling like my arse has been ripped in two."

_Of all the toilet blocks in the whole school, why did they have to choose the same one as us?_

"Sounds like we have company." Light whispered hotly in my ear, not helping either situation; one of them being my younger brothers about to have sex in the cubicle next to ours, and the other being the small – _cough – _problem in my pants.

I growled quietly, careful not to alert Mello or Matt of my presence.

"Just ignore them." Light said, half closing his eyes and leaning his head towards mine. His lips looked so inviting, but the thought of doing this separated from my brothers by only a thin piece of paint-chipped plywood did not appeal to me.

_Well, that's sorted one of the problems… almost._

"Sorry, Light, but they're my brothers."

He pulled back, widening his eyes. "What?"

"Ashamed as I am to admit this," I winced as a moan echoed around the cramp space, emitted from the next cubicle. "But I happen to live with the two boys who are-"

"M-Matt!"

I rolled my eyes, "When will Mello learn to shut up? I hate it when he's uke!"

Light was still looking at me as if I had something green growing in between my eyes.

"They do this a lot, I apologise for their behaviour."

He blinked. "A… lot?"

I nodded sadly; making a mental note to flush Matt's Game Boy down the toilet and replace all of Mello's chocolate bars with white chocolate when I got home. _Keeping the same packaging, of course. _"Perhaps we should reconvene some other time? And preferably place."

He simply nodded, his mouth forming a cute little 'o' shape.

_Maybe one little kiss wouldn't hurt…_

"MATT!"

_Or maybe not._

I sighed and backed away, allowing Light space to breath. He looked down at the floor, rubbing his arm.

"I'm sorry, Light." I made sure to keep my voice down. They would never let me forget it if they caught me in here.

"Don't worry, it isn't your fault." He glanced up at me through his eyelashes, the picture of innocence.

I was suspicious…

And excited…

"Would you like to come around to my house for dinner tonight? I know it's short notice, but-"

"Wait- what?" I couldn't help but blurt out a little too loudly; luckily, our neighbours were too engrossed in their own activities to notice.

"Um… well, if you don't want to then that's fine…"

"No! I mean… yes, I'd love to go, but… your father…"

"Oh? He's fine with it. We talked about it last night and I made somewhat of a… confession. My sister's thrilled."

"Oh, so… you… told him what happened?" My throat felt dry. Too many people already knew now, thanks to B. I didn't really fancy the chief of Japanese Police knowing of it.

"No! I wouldn't tell him that, I didn't know if you wanted other people to know. I mean, it's hardly a secret any more, but that's for you and Beyond-sama to decide, not me."

I blinked.

Then laughed.

"What did you just call him?"

"B-Beyond-sama." Light's cheeks turned a delicious shade of pink and I just wanted to jump him right there.

"Why on earth would you refer to my brother as 'Lord'?"

"Well… he… called me last night and… made some conditions of our friendship."

I had to put my hand over my mouth to keep myself from cackling like a maniac.

I heard Light faintly mutter something under his breath and was about to press him on the matter, _- ooh, dirty thoughts – _when a couple of stifled groans from the other side of the wall reminded me that it was probably best to take my leave. But as I turned around, I felt something tug on my sleeve.

"So, you're coming later?"

_Hells yes!_

_Dirty thoughts… dirty thoughts… dirty thoughts…_

"Of course. I can't wait."

_**AN: Sorry for L's OOC-ness, he's a really hard character to write for in a high school situation. I much prefer Light POV.**_

_**Ok, so here's the deal…**_

_**Whoever writes the 100**__**th**__** review gets a tailor-made LXLight one shot! :O You get to choose whether it's AU or Canon, the genre, the title and whether it's fluffy or angsty. **_

_**Just because I'm feeling generous, I'll throw in cyber-cookies to all who review!**_

_**^.^**_


	10. Meet the Parents

_**Disclaimer: Do not own Death Note or Meet the Parents… bla bla bla… yeah, you get the picture.**_

_**Well done to **__**HarleyDavidsonGal**__**, who submitted the 100**__**th**__** review. Stay tuned for the prize one-shot! That I WILL get around to finishing and uploading. I promise.**_

_**AN: Sorry about the wait, guys… -nervous laugh-… I'm kind of busy atm, what with three dance exams and a shit load of school work springing on me like a bitch. But never fear, dear readers, I am not concerned with such pitiful matters as coursework and revision. XD**_

_**The beginning of this chapter is oh so very random :P It was somewhat inspired by watching Winnie the Pooh this morning. I feel so very patriotic these days. Jolly old England, with her childish fantasies ^^**_

Chapter 10: Meet the Parents

**L POV**

_Calm thoughts, calm thoughts. Stay calm. Above all things, I must stay calm. Calmness is key. _

_Calmness? Is that the extent of your vocabulary these days? Get a grip, man! It's only dinner with the parents of your… your… what the hell is Light to me anyway? I guess we're not officially dating, but the incident in the bathroom earlier suggests we're not just friends, either._

_Oh well, that doesn't matter, we have more pressing matters to concentrate. We? Who am I, the Queen of England? Ah, England, I do miss you. With your rolling fields of gold and green, the endless blue of your skies, clear of this thick smog that seems to constantly envelope the tips of skyscrapers here in Tokyo. The twinkling stars that fill the dark night with such delicate purity, that are hardly visible over this city. The serene meadows, where one can escape the business of the bustling high streets. The closest to silence I think I've heard since I've been over here is the moment I first walked into the classroom. There's always _something_ making noise. Cars, people, the buzz of some electrical appliance. Not like the sweet serenity of a still clearing in a forest, sitting next to a brook gently ebbing and flowing in the soft breeze. The beautiful countryside that inspired so many brilliant imaginations that let readers all over the world escape into the wonderful, magical worlds of Never Land, the Hundred Acre Wood and Hogwarts._

_Oh dear, I'm babbling now._

I splashed water onto my face from the filled basin in front of me for what seemed like the hundredth time.

"What if they don't like me?" I asked allowed, intending it as a rhetorical voicing of my inner thoughts to be answered with yet more inner thoughts and contemplated by my own mind, however, as always, my older brother was intent on 'helping' me with my problems.

"There's no _what if_ about it, Lawli, his father already hates you, and I don't suppose the rest of his family will take all that warmly to you either. I mean, look at you, you're a freak." B was leaning casually on the doorframe of the bathroom.

"Well thank you so much for that completely necessary boost in self-confidence. It is much appreciated." I rolled my eyes. "And in future, I would prefer if you didn't eavesdrop on my conversations with myself, if you wouldn't mind. I thought I'd locked that door."

"You did."

"I don't even want to know." I waved my hand as if shooing him away, but he was either too simple or too annoyingly persistent to take the hint. Beyond Birthday has never been noted for his simplicity.

"What do you want, B?"

"I want to help you, Lawlipop." The smirk on his face was not reassuring. In fact, it was quite disturbing.

"I do not need you 'help', brother, I have a slight inclination as to what said help may include, and I assure you that _that_ sort of thing isn't usually appreciated by the parents of a young man introducing his… erm… well, whatever I am," B raised an eyebrow, "Especially homophobic parents being introduced to their son's first… um… I guess I could be called a boyfriend."

"Well, if what I hear about you and Light in the boy's bathroom outside the gym is anything to go by, then yes, I would say you are his boyfriend."

"How do you know about that?"

Scarlet eyes flashed dangerously. "I have my sources."

There was an ear drum bursting scream from downstairs, followed by a string of rather colourful words shouted heatedly in seven different languages, the most prominent being German.

"I take it from that that Mello has found my little punishment for him." I couldn't fight back the laugh that escaped my lips. "That'll teach him to interrupt me."

B glanced in the direction of the stairs. "Oh? Pray tell, little brother, what did you _do_?" A tiny smile was playing at the corners of his lips, also.

"Something that will most probably result in the removal of my vital regions quite shortly."

B laughed maniacally. "Did it, per chance, involve chocolate?"

"Maybe."

"White chocolate?"

"_Mint_ white chocolate."

B slapped me on the shoulder, with rather more force than was necessary – but then again this _was_ Beyond – and nodded. "Well done, Lawli, you're finally following in ore-sama's footsteps!"

I rolled my eyes, mentally noting that this action was becoming a regular occurrence in B's presence. "You are the most obnoxious person I have ever known."

"I know," He grinned, "Aren't you so proud of your big brother?"

I refused to dignify that question with a response.

"?"

"I thought Near would the first person he'd suspect. I anticipate that you'll be next in the firing line, B, then Matt, although he'll probably face less scolding and more… insinuations of 'punishment'. I'm quite safely the last one he'll accuse." Confident that my plan would keep me alive at least until I was out of the house, I passed B, desperately searching my head for the location of any clothes that could be considered suitable for meeting one's… _I refuse to say 'in laws', I will never refer to them as that. Only a fool would use such a ridiculous term to describe them._

"So, L, feeling nervous about meeting the in-laws?"

Now there were many words I have used to describe Matt in the past, but 'fool' had not appeared on that list until now.

"They are not my 'in-laws', Matt."

I turned to face the red head who had set himself down quite comfortably on my bed, and was currently busying his thumbs with some electronic contraption with an unlit cigarette dangling lazily from his lips. He only did this because B had forbidden him from smoking in the house, so he chose to breath in the faint smell of tobacco without the aid of smoke.

"Well, what do you call your bum-buddy's parents, then?"

"Matt! That's a disgusting term and I never want to hear you address Light as such ever again."

"If he's not your bum-buddy, what is he?"

"He's my… um…"

"Exactly." For the first time in the conversation, he looked up from his game and bore into me with his intense green eyes, the wisdom and sincerity in them poorly veiled by the orange glass of his goggles.

"I still think that he shouldn't be referred to as such. It _is_ a horrible term."

He shrugged.

"Alright then, why aren't you with _your_ 'bum-buddy'? You two are joined at the hip, how come the sudden separation?" I had found it somewhat disconcerting that Matt should be here alone. I have only seen him without the blonde hurricane on very few occasions, and most of those were in court.

"Mello is not my bum-buddy." I coughed at his hypocrisy, but it was met only by a shaking head of red hair. His eyes flared with a strange passion that I had not seen in them before. "He can be considered my lover or partner, I even played around with idea of soul mate at one point, but we are far more than bum-buddies. The bond we share cannot be described by such a meagre, light-hearted expression."

It was strange to hear such words coming from the mouth of the usually relaxed young man who seemed not to give a damn about the world. He had never spoken so earnestly about anything in my presence before, it was always some passing witty remark that seemed to enter his brain and leave his lips on a care-free whim.

In that moment, I began to realise the extent of the relationship between my two younger 'brothers'. This wasn't what it appeared to be on the surface; a mere lust driven by teenage hormones. Mello and Matt had been together since they were six and seven years old. Not as lovers, but as best friends and brothers. In Quillish's house, their hands seemed to be glued together; they would not leave each other. They had both been through traumatic experiences, and found refuge in a similar soul that could understand how they felt. Other people may have been able to show sympathy and say 'I'm sorry', but it didn't mean anything. They couldn't truly comprehend the damage done to such young minds. That's why many in Quillish's orphanage, Wammy's House, are in relationships with each other, because they can share their feelings without being patronised.

That and the fact that most of them consider normal people too stupid to waste their time in conversation with.

"You haven't answered me question, why aren't you with Mello?"

Matt's face transformed from its former serious expression to his usual blasé approach to life. "Oh, that's because he's on a rampage and is blaming everyone under the sun for swapping his chocolate with the mint white variety." He scoffed. "Quite cruel of you, really, L."

"Wait a second, who said it was me?"

"I'm not stupid. Nor am I blinded by rage like Mello. So, as I have been brought up to do, I can calmly and quite quickly deduce that it was you. Bred to be a detective, you see." He tapped his head with one gloved finger.

Quillish wanted us all to get into the best possible professions. Becoming a detective was, in his eyes, the best thing anyone could ever do. His brother had been a private detective, a very successful one at that, and he felt a great pride in that fact. After his brother died, he was determined to raise us all to continue the work he had done. A combination of intellect and creativity that helped others and saw justice done, it is the perfect profession in his eyes. With this in mind, he raised us all with puzzles and pretend cases, testing our abilities and sharpening our skills so that one day we might be great detectives, also.

Matt, however, had always been more interested in computer technology and electronics, so it was strange to hear that he had been able to work it out, or that he could be bothered, to be honest.

"It was easy to figure it out. Near would never have done something so blatant and obviously viscous, he would have subtly poisoned something that took a while to notice and had much more amusing after affects, such as turning his dick blue – something that only Near, the genius that he is, could achieve. He would have also made sure that he wasn't in the vicinity upon Mello's discovery of the chocolate, and he is currently in his room, dangerously in the line of fire. B would have done something much more creative and violent that involved more physical pain. And it wasn't me."

Thank goodness Mello was blinded by anger, or I would be dead. In a calm state, Mello would have been able to deduce an answer like this much faster than Matt. Then again, he was rarely in a calm state. May Kami have mercy on us all if Mello ever composed himself; I fear for the future of the human race if his head was cleared of emotion.

"So, L, I would have also expected a more creative approach from you, but it seems that this is merely petty revenge, what exactly has he done this time?"

"Just a simple case of interruption earlier." I laughed. "Just be glad that I didn't take my revenge on you as well, despite the fact that you were equally to blame. Well, you at least didn't make as much noise as Mello."

Matt seemed to understand and joined in my mirth. "So that was you and Light, eh? I wondered who it was. You shouldn't have left; it got interesting after you'd gone."

I raised my hand in a signal that I didn't need any details. Honestly, as if hearing the sound effects of your little brothers… _cough_… engaging in such activities wasn't enough, I really didn't need more information.

"So~ what you gonna wear?" He lowered his gaze back to the brightly lit screen in his hands and appeared not to be bothered by the answer, merely asking as a polite form of conversation. Anyone who didn't know him as well as the rest of the Wammy's would have assumed he lacked interest in most aspects of daily life, but those like myself who had lived with Matt for any substantial length of time would know that he faked indifference and chose simply to preserve energy where it needn't be wasted on such things as facial expressions.

"By that question I presume you are suggesting that my usual attire is not suitable."

He glanced up at me quickly, before snorting and resuming his game. "Please tell me you weren't seriously considering wearing a baggy white t-shirt and jeans for a dinner at a civilised household."

"Of course not! Can you no longer detect sarcasm, Mr Detective?"

He shrugged.

"I was actually pondering this very dilemma when I was so rudely interrupted by a certain coward hiding from his enraged boyfriend."

"When it concerns Mello, it is not considered 'cowardice'. I think 'intelligence' would be a more accurate description."

And so the evening passed with many arguments between Matt and Beyond as to what I was to wear, and at one point, even Near poked his head out of his bedroom to have his say when Mello had safely locked himself in his room with an entirely new stash of _milk_ chocolate and the Sex and the City box-set Matt had bought him for Christmas.

All was well – or as well as can be expected – in the Wammy's household.

Unfortunately, the same could not be said for the Yagami's.

The word 'awkward' has always served me well. It generally fulfils its role as an accurate description of an uncomfortable situation that I, and the other person engaged in said situation with me, would rather not be in.

However, I was forced to search for a stronger word in my extensive vocabulary upon sitting down at the Yagami family's dining table facing my number one fan, Detective Superintendent Soichiro Yagami.

To this day, I have still not found a single word in all of the twelve languages I am fluent in that could express the discomfort of that single meal.

To coin a typical, cheesy romance novel phrase, it felt like you could have cut the atmosphere with a knife.

And I wished the atmosphere was the _only_ thing that Yagami-sama wanted to cut with a knife.

It had been q relatively pleasant experience to meet Light's mother and sister, they were very polite and welcoming, and I suspected that Sayu-chan was somewhat of a yaoi fan girl, judging by the poorly veiled squeal she emitted when Light removed my jacket for me – purely out of courteousness, of course.

"Welcome to our home, Lawliet-kun." From that moment onwards, I had fallen in love with Sachiko Yagami. She was a relatively small woman with short hair and the smile that lit up her face had been purely sincere and radiated kindness. The only memories of a mother I had were of drunken beatings and death, but I knew that this was what a mother should be. I must admit that a part of me was envious of Light and Sayu-chan, but I was so overwhelmed by a sense of belonging and hospitality that I merely melted.

"Please, Yagami-san, call me L."

"Hey, L-senpai, I know your brothers!"

I looked down at the excited bundle of giggles that was jumping up and down in front of her mother.

"Sayu, calm down, don't crowd our guest."

"Oh, that's quite alright, Yagami-san," _I'm used to far worse than this…_

"You live with them, right?"

"Regrettably, yes I do."

"Do they make everywhere they go look like a battlefield?"

"I'm afraid to say that our home is not immune to their rampant destruction."

Sayu-chan laughed. "I'm guessing that Near-kun isn't the problem?"

"You know my family well." I smiled at her as Yagami-san showed me to the living room.

"Please make yourself at home, Soichiro should be home soon." She smiled at me in that loving motherly way and I felt myself melting again. "Could I get you anything to drink while we're waiting?"

"Tea would be lovely, please."

As my new favourite middle-aged woman left to make drinks, I noticed that Sayu-chan was staring quite unnervingly at me.

"Yes, Sayu-chan? If there is anything you would like to ask, please feel free."

"Um…" Her gaze shifted from me to Light, and then back to me again. Something about the glint in her eye made me nervous. "I was just wondering… how far have you two been?"

I felt Light stiffen beside me.

"What exactly do you mean, Sayu-chan? I've travelled round the world, but I presume you know where your own brother has been." I tilted my head in confusion.

"No, no, not like that." A frighteningly mischievous grin was developing on her face and I didn't like it. "I mean _how far have you been_ together? Like… you know… You reach fourth base yet?"

My innocent naivety could only be stretched so far.

Both Light and I remained in stunned silence.

"Ooh! Ooh! Who was seme? I can see Nii-san as the dominating type, but I don't know you that well, senpai, so I have no idea if you're some kind of rampant sex-god or something. Ooh, are you? Nice one, Light! Score! How many times? When? Where? OMG I need details! Wait 'till Keiko-chan hears about this, it's pure gold! Wait, does Misa-chan know? On second thoughts, I don't really care; it's hotter with you two. And don't think you have to keep it down if you stay over, feel free to make as much noise as you want. In fact, _do_ make as much noise as you want. Although, I don't know what dad would say about it… he might freak if he knew Nii-san was screwing a guy – or being screwed, either way – under his own roof, so you better leave it until he's out. I know Okaa-san won't mind, she reads dirtier stuff than I do! I mean, you should've seen Otou-san's face when he found her secret stash of yaoi manga under the mattress –"

"Sayu!" Light finally snapped out of his shocked paralysis and stopped her before my face could explode from being over-supplied with blood.

"Yes?"

"We haven't done _anything_! Not that it's any of your business."

She looked downright heartbroken. "Seriously?"

"I am afraid that you seem to have got the wrong idea, Sayu-chan."

Her eyebrows were drawn in confusion. "You're seriously telling me that my brother isn't gay?"

Light coughed loudly beside me and clenched his fists. "Sayu!"

"Oh come _on_, Nii-san, it's _too_ obvious! The amount of time you spend in the bathroom every morning. The amount of time you spent in the bathroom _earlier today_ is enough evidence that you have a massive crush on L-senpai." I could feel my cheeks becoming hotter and hotter as she spoke. "You hardly ever even look at Misa-chan when she comes over; you wear _pink_ shirts, for Kami's sake!"

"Sayu, that is really none of your business!" Light was growing more flustered as well, it seemed.

"Just admit it, you two are going out."

"Sayu-chan, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but we are not 'going out'."

That shocked her somewhat. "You mean he hasn't even got the balls to ask you out?"

Light face-palmed.

And so the squealing rant continued until Yagami-san returned with our tea and the conversation turned to much pleasanter subjects, such as how we were doing at school – which earned me many shocked cries of 'whoa' and requests for tutoring from Sayu-chan – and what I did in my spare time.

It felt strange to be in a situation that didn't involve screaming, violence and sexual innuendos, but somewhere deep in the pit of my stomach, there was a warm sensation of family and I was beginning to feel quite disappointed at the thought of leaving.

That was until the doorbell rang and everything went silent.

And that is how I found myself here, sitting here with an array of delicious foods in front of me and suddenly no appetite. Not that I would have gotten especially excited about the savoury meal without the awkwardness; far too little sugar for my taste. But Yagami-san had put so much effort into it and I had never eaten something that was made with love before. The extent of Beyond's culinary talent was ramen, and it is fairly difficult to pour boiling water into a pot of instant noodles with love.

But at the current moment in time, no one seemed to be hungry.

I felt bad for ignoring the fruit of Yagami-san's toils, but it didn't feel right to just dig in and stuff my face while being glared at by a rather irate police officer who happened to hate my guts.

Light's mother laughed nervously. "Please, everyone, begin. L-kun, you're the guest, you first."

Not wanting to upset her, I obliged with a shaking hand and spooned some rice into my bowl. Sayu-chan was eying a certain piece of chicken with a predatory look in her eyes, and I seized the opportunity for conversation.

"Sayu-chan, I don't mind if you want to start as well."

She needed no more encouragement, and received a disapproving look from her mother.

Soon, everyone had served themselves and we were back to the uncomfortable silence with nothing to do but eat.

Light shifted beside me and I became acutely aware of the close proximity of his leg to mine.

Desperate to find distraction and break the unbearable tension in the room, I struggled to find something to say.

"This is truly delicious, Yagami-san."

"Thank you, dear; I didn't know what you'd like, so I made a bit of everything."

"It must of taken hours to prepare, thank you."

"Oh no, it was a pleasure, really." Her smile once again stole my heart and for about two minutes I forgot about the pair of angry eyes burning holes in my head. "It's always nice to meet Light's friends. Have you known each other long? He hadn't mentioned you before."

_Thank you Kami for creating such a wonderful human being as Sachiko Yagami._ I tried to send subliminal messages of appreciation to the saint-like woman that was dissolving the tension with her every word. "Actually, we hadn't really spoken to each other until about last week. We've been in the same class for a while, but I guess… I… Well, I suppose I'm not really the type of person Light would usually hang out with."

I laughed until I saw the utter disgust on Light's father's face and realised the mistake I had made.

"I-I am terribly sorry, how rude of me." I bowed as low as the table would allow and thought up my excuses. "It's just… I was brought up in England and sometimes I forget honorifics. We don't use them at home… and I'm not used to speaking to others, so occasionally I…"

"Don't worry, dear, it's quite alright, Light explained the other day that your family is quite… informal. And if Light doesn't mind, I don't think it matters."

Yagami-san saves the day, yet again.

"Whoa, you lived in England?" Sayu-chan squeaked around a mouthful of rice. "What's it like there? I've _always_ wanted to go to England!"

"It's relatively cold there, and it rains a lot, but I think it's beautiful. There are more fields and forests and green areas, especially in the north, the countryside is stunning. I lived in a large orphanage in a place called Winchester, which was somewhat out in the sticks, and there were a lot of quiet places to sit and think. That's the main thing I liked about it: the peace."

"So do you miss England?"

Her question threw me. I had been thinking about England quite a lot for a while, and I wished I could go back to see the rest of my 'family', but I had finally found something to make my time in Japan bearable.

I took a deep breath and looked her in the eye. "Yes. But there are some things here that England doesn't have."

I intended my eyes to merely glance at the beautiful seventeen year-old to my right in a sly and inconspicuous manner that attracted no attention, however, fate was not on my side, and he was looking straight at me with those deep chocolate orbs that swallowed me up and the glance soon turned to a longing gaze and everything around us disappeared. I could tell that the room had descended into silence again, but I couldn't care less. Nothing mattered to me at that point in time apart from Light's magnificent eyes and the hand that was hovering above my knee, as if waiting for some sort of permission to continue.

My lips curved up in a tiny smile and he answered with a grin. The tanned fingers lightly set themselves down on my leg and he circled his thumb. The simple touch sent shivers rushing through my body and an impressive blush was beginning to bloom on my cheeks.

I vaguely heard a stifled squeal from presumably Sayu-chan and the clatter of chopsticks dropped by presumably Yagami-sama.

But what I heard next startled both of us from our stupor.

"_Light Yagami, stop that at once, it's disgraceful!_"

I had wondered when he would crack.

The warmth of Light's hand disappeared from my leg and we snapped our heads round to stare at the fuming man that was glowering at us both from the other side of the table.

"It's bad enough that your family flaunts their disgusting ways in public, but I will not stand you leading my son astray with you sodomy."

_Shit. Not the best thing for the father of your… b-boyfriend-ish-person to say to you on your first meeting._

"I'm sorry, Yagami-sama, we weren't-"

"I have no time for your excuses or lies."

"I-"

"I allowed you into my house and you repay my hospitality with exhibiting your blatant sordid behaviour with my _son_."

_Hospitality? If _that_ is what you think hospitality is, then you can take it a shove it up your-_

"_**You~"**_

…

_Oh. Fuck. No._

"What was that?"

"_**I wanna take you to a gay bar~"**_

_Beyond Birthday, you better say goodbye to your balls now, because when I get home they will be making a very sudden, _very_ painful departure._

"_**I wanna take you to a gay bar~"**_

Light coughed and looked at me with desperate eyes.

"L-kun?"

"_**I wanna take you to a gay bar~ gay bar~ gay bar~"**_

"I am _so _sorry, it was my brother."

I fumbled around in my pocket to find the source of the embarrassment.

Speak of the devil; the caller was my delightful brother himself.

"Please excuse me." I ran out into the hall and jabbed the answer button furiously.

"_**I've got something to put in y-"**_

"_What the hell do you want, you bloody wanker?"_ I demanded in English, I thought that it was the safest option.

"_What's wrong, Lawlipop?"_

"_Don't you 'what's wrong, Lawlipop' me! You know perfectly well what's wrong, you GIT!"_

"_I am afraid to disappoint you, little bro, but I remain completely ignorant to your personal problems at the current moment in time. You shall have to enlighten me. The dinner not going well?"_

"_Well of course it's not NOW, SHEISSKOPF! You changed my fucking ring tone to 'Gay Bar' of all things!"_

"_Ha, you mean it didn't get some laughs?"_

"_OF COURSE IT DIDN'T, YOU FUCKING PSHYCO BASTARD!"_

"_Aw, don't be like that, Lawli, I bet it livened up a boring evening."_

"_Oh, that's right, that's the perfect way to cheer a formal dinner with a homophobic police chief that already hates me."_

"_You'll laugh about this later."_

"_I'll tell you what I'm going to do later. I'M GOING TO FUCKING CHOP YOUR DICK OFF AND FORCE FEED IT TO YOU, FILM IT AND PUT IT ON YOUTUBE, THEN SEND THE VIDEO TO QUILLISH AND ROGER AND THE WHOLE OF WAMMY'S HOUSE!"_

"_Alright, alright, calm it, Kermit. You sure you're safe saying that stuff? I mean, where are you?"_

_Oh shit._

Sure enough, when I turned back to the door I had closed behind me on leaving the dining room, it was open and the whole of the Yagami family were standing with their eyes wide and their mouths open.

Yagami-san had her hands over Sayu-chan's ears.

_I guess they can understand English, then._ I mentally face-palmed for the one retarded moment in my life when I forgot that almost everyone in Japan spoke English. _Shit._

I felt that the most sensible option was to vacate the premises while my face was intact.

_**AN: Hm… I don't really like the ending, but it'll do, I suppose.**_

_**Stay tuned for more shenanigans in the next chapter of 'Teenage Dirtbag', Chapter 11: Meet the Wammys. Imaginative titles, huh? :P**_

_**Reviews make the world go around~**_


	11. Meet the Wammys

_**Disclaimer: -facepalm-**_

_**AN: So here I am. As awesome as ever XD Btw, if there are any Hetalia fans out there who've checked out 'A Series of Quite Fortunate Events', please vote on my poll whether I should continue with it ^^ And thank you to soulef who corrected my French. ^^ On with the show…**_

Teenage Dirtbag

Chapter 11: Meet the Wammys

**Light POV**

Well, of all the things that could have happened, that was possibly one of the worst. I had expected _something_ to go wrong and the icy atmosphere was predictable, but _that…_ that was something else entirely.

I shall have to remind L to speak in Italian next time; I am the only member of my family that would be able to understand, and it is one of his first languages. I wouldn't have thought someone with such a genius as his would have forgotten that the majority of the Japanese population could understand English. Even my little sister caught most of the conversation, and she's bottom of all her classes.

But I have to say, it somewhat livened up a rather awkward evening.

If only my father hadn't banned me from seeing L ever again.

* * *

"Oi, Light!"

Despite having cleared things up with Beyond, his voice still made me flinch. "Yes, B?"

My raven haired senpai strode over to where I was standing with a triumphant grin plastered on his face. "How are we today, _Lightbulb_?"

I gritted my teeth against the pun. "Actually, Beyond, you seem to have made my life somewhat worse in the past twenty four hours."

"_Moi_?" The innocence in his voice was ruined by the glint in his scarlet eyes.

"Yes, _toi_."

"Well, I apologise for any inconvenience I could have caused, but was it really that bad?"

"I think you'll find it was, B, as my father has banned me from seeing L ever again."

Beyond deadpanned. "Pft, what he doesn't know can't hurt him."

I didn't like the direction this conversation was taking. My father was a detective, I could hardly keep it from him that I had brought a dead rat into my bedroom to dissect when I was seven years old – a disgusting concept now – so I felt that having a forbidden relationship would be somewhat difficult to pull off. But this was Beyond Birthday: criminal mastermind extraordinaire. With his help, I could probably pull off being a mass murderer right under everyone's noses. After all, I was an excellent actor.

"Well I know we'll be with each other at school, but he's going to be monitoring my every move elsewhere."

"Never fear, young one, for the great Lord Beyond Birthday has taken it upon his awesome self to make sure that these two desperate lovers shall live forever in the happy tranquillity of each other's company and screw each other's brains out to their hearts content."

"Subtle, B, subtle."

"I know I am." He grinned that insane grin that sent shivers down the spine of anyone who dared look upon it, eyes flashing wildly with the prospect of yet another thrilling endeavour into the taboo.

"Just please don't break any laws."

He raised an eyebrow.

"Fine, please don't break any _other_ laws. I suppose you've already doomed yourself, but there's no point adding stuff like rape to your extensive list of crimes."

The pout on his face was far too innocent for a torturer/murderer/all around arse hole.

"Aw, come on, rape's not my style… unless they're _really _special… or drunk… and then it's not even rape-"

"B, please!"

"Okay, okay, leave it to me, sweet-cheeks; you've got tutoring later, right?"

"…Yes." I was reluctant to answer the growing smirk that sparkled dangerously in the florescent lights.

"Tell that weirdo glasses kid that practically humps your leg and calls you 'God' whenever he sees you-"

"You mean Mikami?"

"Whatever. Tell him that you're staying at his tonight, get changed into something absolutely fabulous – but not dry clean only, because seriously, some of the shit on L's floor is rather questionable and I wouldn't want you getting your best clothes ruined if things got a bit steamy – and come here at the usual time, got it?"

I blinked, completely stumped as to what on earth was being planned, and quietly terrified that my life was spiralling out of my control and into that of a possible future axe-serial-killer.

"Good. Just leave the rest to me! Just call me the awesome cupid!"

With that, Beyond span on his heel and galloped away. I say galloped, for it was not unlike a frightened gazelle; he even had the nervous leg convulsions... maybe it was drugs hacking away at his system – which would explain a lot – or it could have been excitement at the prospect of doing something illegal… With him, I never could be sure.

I was left in the middle of the corridor with a dreadfully retarded look on my face. Swallowing the lump that had slowly developed in my throat throughout the duration of our conversation, I made my way into my next lesson, worryingly ignorant of what was about to unfold.

* * *

I was to learn quickly that Beyond Birthday had kidnapped before. Whether it was the way Mikami seemed to disappear without a trace from the pavement in front of me in the time it took for me to glance behind at a passing cyclist, or the skilful sweep of his hand over my face, or the generous amounts of Chloroform that invaded my windpipe that alerted me to this fact, it is undeniable.

The basics of his plan were explained to me while I was still in a muggy haze from waking up on the Wammy's house hall floor. I had been kidnapped and brought here and my parents still thought I was spending the night at Mikami's. _His_ parents, I was assured, would remain silent about the truth of the situation for fear of losing their son forever.

This information barely entered my dozing brain and I still had no idea where Mikami was at this point. Somewhere in my conscience, a tiny voice of concern rang out, but I quickly doused it, remembering just how little I cared for his fate.

I opened my eyes into a bright light. This was quickly blocked from my view as two large grey orbs swathed my vision.

Something about them was familiar, and I looked deeper to find what I knew was there. What I had been searching for every morning and basking in whenever the sunlight flooded through the windows of our class room. That tiny spark of life that feigned indifference but revealed so much intelligence and creativity…

But all I found was flat boredom. A dull barrier to the outside world that betrayed no emotion, and I knew that these weren't L's eyes that I was staring up into.

"Well done, Beyond, you have succeeded in retrieving the target alive. For a second there, I thought we were going to have to explain to L why his boyfriend was lying dead in the middle of the hall."

I vaguely recognised the voice, but from where I wasn't sure, so I remained motionless, searching for anything that would give away L or B's presence. As he had been addressed in the stranger's monologue, I presumed that the red-eyed psychopath was there, but it was yet more voices I could not place that I heard next.

"Aw, B, you could've at least roughed him up a bit!" This one was louder than the first, despite being further away, and I could sense all of the emotions flowing freely out of his words.

"And what exactly would that have achieved?" The one above me spoke again, his voice matching those eyes perfectly. The lifeless tone hiding his true thoughts from the world, his unblinking expression calm and collected.

"It would have achieved more than your mother did last night! Way!"

"Mihael, you know as well as I do that none of us have mothers, so would you please refrain from using such childish, inappropriate come-backs because you are too stupid to form real arguments backed up by wit and purpose."

"Pwned." Another voice drifted over to my ears, seemingly uninterested. My anxiety was growing by the second. I had no idea who these people were, and one of them seemed intent on my destruction.

"S-shut up, Matt!

"Is that the best you could think of? Come now, Mello, use a little imagination!" At last, someone I knew. I had never been so relieved to hear that maniacal laughter in all my life.

"Stay out of this, B, it's between me and albino boy over there!" The second, stronger voice screeched. "Speaking of whom, I think we better find L a new boy toy, Neary-baby has got his eye on this one."

I was still quite disconcerted by the proximity of this 'Neary-baby' and strained my head backwards against the rough carpet to find where Beyond was standing.

"Look at him: he's eying him up like a brand new robot toy."

"Fair point. Lay off him a bit, Near, the poor boy's gonna be traumatised." I could hear B, but my sight wouldn't reach far enough back and all I could see was a tobacco yellow-tinted ceiling.

"Yeah, anyone'd be traumatised waking up to that ugly face."

"At least I'm not so insecure about myself as to lash out at everyone I envy with curt little remarks that hold no substance."

There was a silence that was only broken by a strangled stutter.

"Clutching at straws, Mihael, clutching at straws."

I felt a weight being lifted from my torso as a streak of black and white raced past my vision.

"Calm down, you two, we have a guest in the house."

I was finally free to sit up and the first thing I saw was an irate blonde with his lips curled up into a startling snarl and one fist raised, straddling a small mass of white fluff.

"_Scheisskopf!_ I'll rip your bloody albino teeth out, you fucking sheep!"

There were two things I learnt from this experience: One – Wammy's boys were brilliant multi-linguists due to the fact that they all came from different countries. Two – never, ever get on the wrong side of an angry, hormonal blonde, _especially_ this angry, hormonal blonde.

Unfortunately, I quickly became aware of the fact that it is rather easy to get on the wrong side of this particular specimen.

"Is anyone going to tell me what the fuck is going on?"

And with that, my life was doomed as I met two bright blue eyes glistening with rage.

"Stay out of our business, you poncy Japanese twat! I'm busy!"

I had obviously directed my question at the wrong person, so I turned to Beyond, who was chuckling away quite happily at the bottom of a flight of stairs. At least, I presumed there were stairs under there, and not just a large pile of dirty laundry, food containers, maps and cardboard boxes that they had thoughtfully set a banister against to access the higher floor. Had it only been two and a half days since I was last here? _If they can make that much mess in that amount of time, I'm screwed..._

B appeared to have turned his full attention on me again, still sitting what now seemed to be vulnerably next to the two fighting teenagers.

"Indeed, we must show at least a little decorum, what _would_ Roger think?" The whole hall seemed to explode in laughter, all sharing a private joke, one which I was miffed – to say the least – about being excluded from.

"Family, assemble!" B clapped his hands and the world seemed to whirl around me. Flashes of black, white, yellow and red rushed in and out of my vision until the picture before me settled into four extremely… _different_ looking teenage boys standing in a line across the door I recognised from my last visit. I stood, taking in the array of clothing, stances and expressions.

Before I could gain my bearings, the one I had previously angered stepped forward with a rather flamboyant bow and a dangerous glare fixed on his face. "Good day to you, _Reisigbündel_, my name is Mihael Keehl, otherwise known as Mello." He raised a pointed finger and jabbed at my chest. "And don't you forget it!" I chose not to engage in his threatening eye contact, in favour of evaluating his attire.

Black leather.

Very tight black leather that left little to the imagination.

He was a good two inches shorter than me, and judging from his immature behaviour, he must have been in the last year of Middle School at most, but he was dressed like a hooker.

Quite an appealing hooker – if you were into that sort of thing – but a hooker nonetheless. He had a lithe figure with pronounced hipbones, and the contrast of the shiny black material against his pale skin gave the impression that he would have been more suited to a private strip club in LA than a Japanese suburb.

"L-Light Yagami, pleased to meet y-"

"Yes, yes, we know who you are, dumbass."

I was taken aback by his discourtesy and gave Beyond a pointed look of disgust, which was met by a devilish grin in response.

"Now, now, Mello, let the others say their piece."

With a huff, the blonde backed into line.

"Yeah whatever, I'm Matt, or Mail Jeevas or whatever the hell you want to call me, pleased to meet you and all that bullshit, now can I please get back to my DS?"

I nearly missed the words that came from a decidedly bored looking red head wearing a black and white striped long sleeved shirt who glared at the wall to his right and twiddled his leather gloved thumbs. _What is it with this household and leather?_

The image of the floor of one of the bedrooms I looked into the other day flickered into my mind's eye and I gritted my teeth to quench it. _That must have been Mello's…_

By the time my attention returned to the red head, Matt, he was reaching into a door that branched off from the hall to my right. When he returned, he shifted a pair of orange goggles over his eyes from where they had been dangling about his neck and had his nose firmly pointed at the small screen of a games console. Before long, weak electronic noises: beeps and tiny explosions were being emitted from it.

A quiet cough alerted my attention to the remaining boy in the line, the one who had been leering at me as I awoke. He had white hair which he twirled a lock of with one finger and white skin, which blended with his white shirt and pale jeans. He looked like a ghost.

"I am Nate River. You may call me Near. I apologise for my brothers' behaviour, they are somewhat immature."

"Says the fucking pussy that still plays with toys!" I was to also quickly learn that there was some sort of sibling rivalry between Mello and Near. "Why don't you go fuck a Barbie doll? Oh wait, sorry, I meant Action Man, _Tunte._"

"I hardly think that the abuse of sexuality is a valid argument in your case, Mihael."

"Hey, at least I admit I'm gay and don't just pretend I'm not interested in anyone and sneak off into a dark corner to get kicks from yaoi manga."

"Pwned." I was beginning to think that that was the only word Matt was willing to say without looking like he was being forced to do so.

After a few seconds of awkward silence in which Mello and Matt shared a triumphant smirk and Near silently stared at the blonde, B clapped his hands together again and grabbed everyone's attention.

"I'm so glad everyone's getting along so well! Princess, would you like a drink?" I could've smacked Beyond right there and then, had there not been three of his brothers ready to assist him and one of them looking ready to fight me without provocation anyway. And the fact that I was piss scared of B alone to begin with…

"Princess? Ha!" As I had feared, Mello had latched onto the degrading nickname and in that moment I loathed the scarlet-eyed raven with every fibre of my being.

_Now you've started something, you bloody idiot…_

* * *

"So, princess, what makes you think you're good enough for our Lawli, then?"

I inwardly cringed at the interrogation I was facing.

We had relocated to the living room – not that anyone was capable of living in the pig-sty that looked out onto the busy road outside – and I was currently sitting opposite the four Wammys and being stared down by each of them. B with an evil grin dancing on the edges of his lips, Near with a flat intensity, Mello with a glare that would have had me wetting myself had I been alone with the leather-clad teenager and Matt glancing up from his game at me every so often with a cynical expression; although it was hard to tell when his eyes were veiled by the orange glass of his goggles.

"What do you mean; what makes me think I'm good enough? I'm Light Yagami." That should have been obvious. I, Prince of perfection, with my devilishly good looks and faultless exam scores. Unfortunately, I had momentarily forgotten that these were the Wammys. Unbeaten at every single subject and – as much as I hated to admit it – all naturally gorgeous in a quirky way. I loathed them as much as admired them for being able to look like super models without seeming to lift a finger and fly through school as if the answers came to them in the wind as soon as they laid eyes on the papers.

"I mean, you're an obnoxious brat who doesn't deserve to lick the shit off L's shoes, so what makes you think we're gonna let you court him with your superficial 'I'm-so-awesome-I'd-fuck-myself-if-it-were-possible' crap."

I think it was safe to say that Mello hadn't warmed to me.

Beyond wasn't helping the matter either, merely sniggering when his younger brother made an especially cutting stab at my ego.

"Mihael, I think it would be best to calm down and think of how L feels." Near seemed to be the only sane – ish – one present. He remained balanced and composed throughout, the polar opposite of the fiery blonde beside him.

"I say we test him." Matt hadn't said much during our little interview, but when he did offer his input, I decided I preferred his silence.

B, however, seemed to be lapping it up. His smirk broadened at the red-head's words and his scarlet eyes seemed to flame, similar, yet somehow managing to be completely different to the way which Mello's azure orbs seemed to flash with an icy look of cold, sadistic pleasure at the same time.

"I agree, _mein Liebling._"

I was prepared. I readied my mind for whatever they threw at me. I wasn't number one student in Japan – current company excluded – for no reason. Maths equations, scientific proofs, biological facts, anything their brilliant minds could conjure up, I could beat away with my equally skilled intellect.

"Translation!"

…

_Fuck. I'm doomed._

Of all the subjects in the world, they had to choose the one that they all had a ridiculous advantage over me in. There was no way in hell they were going to give me nice, simple sentences that I was likely to know, they were scheming little devils who would most probably toss colloquial phrases and words that only insiders would have the need to know at me.

"Ready, princess?"

I hated the way Mello's lips curled upwards, revealing a row of glistening white teeth in a similar fashion to Beyond Birthday's 'I am now going to do something utterly delightful to your body, unfortunately, that delight will be felt by me alone and will most probably cause you a lot of pain' look.

"Let's start with something simple, shall we? A warm up or sorts: _Ich schwöre, Offizier, dachte ich, er war achtzehn._"

I searched my brain for all the German I had ever cared to learn. _I… swear? Officer… I thought… he was eighteen…_

"I swear, Officer, I thought he was eighteen."

My cheeks flushed slightly as what I had just said registered in my mind.

"_Gut! Gut! _Now then, Matty?"

Said boy smiled from ear to ear, crinkling his freckled cheeks into two dimples. " _Il semble que j'ai un gode coince*__ dans le trou du cul."_

The innocent image was shattered as I pieced together what he said. _I seem to have… something… something in my arse? I have a… something… stuck up my arse… hole?_

"I seem to have… something stuck up my arse hole?"

"_Un gode. _You have _un gode_ stuck up your arse hole."

"I don't know what that is."

Beyond was spluttering away in my peripheral vision, the others all knew the answer, and it killed me to admit there was something I didn't know.

"A dildo."

"Oh." I had presumed it was something along those perverted lines.

"So translate the whole sentence."

"What?"

Matt's innocuous smile turned into a lop-sided smirk. "Now that you know the individual words, say the sentence."

Once again, my face flushed with colour and I coughed into my hand slightly. "I seem to have a… dildo stuck up my arse hole."

Their laughter beat down on me. I was being utterly humiliated and there was nothing I could do to stop them.

"_Иногда я дрочить над моей матерью в душ." _B blurted out.

I blinked. "Excuse me?"

"_Иногда я дрочить над моей матерью в душ." _He repeated, slightly slower this time.

I wished he had chosen Italian, that was one of my favourite languages. But alas, fate had not looked kindly upon me in that moment, and Beyond was a malicious bastard.

Luckily, I had started learning Russian after hearing that L was fluent in it when I had first met him. Unfortunately, I had quickly found it to be incredibly difficult, and slowed my study as the years went on, so my knowledge of it was quite basic.

_I heard the word 'mother'… and… 'shower'? I think… Something about my mother in the shower… What? Sometimes I… my mother in the shower?_

"Sometimes I… something… my mother in the shower?"

I received a small nod and a hum from the raven. "I'm impressed, I didn't think you'd get that much."

I raised my nose a few centimetres in victory, but I was quickly humbled by Mello's questioning eyebrow raise. "The only thing you achieve from doing that is having your nasal hair viewed."

_I take good care of my nasal hair. It shouldn't be visible._

"Anyway, you give up on the sentence?"

"Um…" I wracked my brains but found no translation for the mystery couple of words Beyond had said. "I give up."

"I wank over."

I could've face palmed. How did I not guess it was going to be that?

"So go on then."

I gritted my teeth. "Sometimes, I wank over my mother in the shower."

The only thing I wanted to do in that moment was crawl under a rock and hide from the world forever, but I feared if I didn't humour them, I would not make it out of this place alive.

"And now, we've left the best till last!" Mello's eyes widened and almost sang out in glee. "Light Yagami, prepare to be completely humiliated!"

_As if I haven't been enough already…_

Matt patted the table for a drum roll.

"Neary-baby, take it away!"

The small albino cleared his throat and some part of me was aching curious to find out where he was from.

"_Fyrirgefðu, ég er ekki svona hallandi, ég vil frekar mikið heitt maður kynlíf með mörgum frænkur mínar, kannski þú gætir tekið þátt í einhvern tíma? Því meira sem merrier."_

_...Well, that was unexpected._

I hadn't the faintest idea what he had just said. Hell, I didn't even know what language that was.

"How the fuck am I supposed to know what that means?"

Three faces lit up in triumphant grins and for the first time since meeting him, I saw Near smile. It was tiny, barely noticeable, but it was there.

"Nice one, _Schaf!_ Put it there!" Mello stretched out an open hand to Near, obviously awaiting a high-five, and the white-haired boy reluctantly lifted his parallel, the look on his face remaining indifferent, but when observed closer, a small twitch of his lips gave him away. He wanted Mello to like him.

I was glad that the two could get along, even a little bit – and at my expense. But when Near reached forward to meet his palm, he dodged and slapped him across the cheek.

In that moment, I decided that I hated Mihael Keehl.

Still laughing, said blonde turned to Matt and winked. The gamer seemed to be sharing an amused look with him, one that had nothing to do with the dejected looking boy sitting beside them.

"So, what language was that?"

Near answered, still rubbing his cheek. "Icelandic."

"Oh." No wonder I couldn't decipher it. "So what did it mean?"

"Here."

He grabbed a nearby pencil and a page torn from a notebook that were previously hidden by all the other rubbish littering the table we were sitting at. He scribbled something down and slid it across to me.

This recaptured Mello and Matt's attention and the four boys followed the note with their eyes.

Somewhat unnerved by the sneaky glanced between the blonde and the red head, I looked down at what was written.

And proceeded to screw it up.

"Say it." Near said.

"No!"

"Say it."

"Why?"

"Because it'll be hilarious, that's why!" Mello rolled his eyes.

I had no other choice; he looked ready to disembowel me. So taking a deep breath, I read the translation out loud.

"I'm sorry, I'm not that way inclined, I much prefer hot man sex with my many cousins. Maybe you could join sometime? The more the merrier."

And then the world exploded.

Each laugh, each scoff, each shuddering breath they drew pierced my heart. Not only did I have to undergo the humiliation of not knowing something, but I also had to say those disgusting things out loud. But I was a fool to think it could get any worse.

Mello and Matt shared another amused look and the blonde lowered his chin and glared at me through his eyelashes, grin still firmly pulling the edges of his lips upwards.

Matt leaned up and whispered something in B's ear. I caught the occasional word in French and was immediately suspicious. My apprehension spiked when both Beyond's eyes and smile grew.

Near smiled again.

"So, Light?" Mello leant backwards and spread his arms over Matt and Near's shoulders. "You got loads of Facebook friends, I presume. I mean, a popular guy like you, everyone would wanna be a follower of the almighty Light Yagami, gorgeous hunk of genius man meat that you are."

I nodded, ignoring the sarcasm pouring out of his voice in waves.

There was a knowing silence, only interrupted by the occasional sound from an electrical device in Matt's hands; I hadn't even noticed when his DS had been replaced.

Then his bored voice sounded. "Ore-sama is God one two three?"

I froze.

"Really Light? I would have thought someone as intelligent as you would have a more creative password. Or a quote from 'Lollypop Luxury'."

It didn't register in my head that I had no idea what that was. The only thing I could think was _shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit…_

_How the hell did he get my password?_

"**Fuck me~ I'm a celebrity~ Can't take your eyes off me~ I make you wanna fuck me just to get somewhere~**" Mello's singing induced a new wave of laughter to erupt from the Wammys.

"I wonder what they'll all think of your delightful confessions." Matt lifted the contraption in his hands so that the screen was in my face. Before my vision was covered, though, I saw the tiny black microphone attached.

It took a couple of seconds for my eyes to adjust to the bright white pixels so close, but when they did I wished I hadn't seen. At least then I could live in blissful ignorance of what was about to ruin my image, and consequently my life.

There, on my Facebook wall, were three MP3 files. I didn't need to hear them to know what they were, but Matt seemed to think that I hadn't suffered enough already and pressed 'play' on the first one.

"I seem to have a… dildo stuck up my arse hole."

And the next one.

"Sometimes I wank over my mother in the shower."

And the next one.

"I'm sorry, I'm not that way inclined, I much prefer hot man sex with my many cousins. Maybe you could join in sometime? The more the merrier."

Some part of me clung to the hope that people would realise this was a set up. _I mean, come on, who would say that and be recorded without having been forced to?_

But that hope quickly died with the realisation that all of my 'friends' were retarded.

_Shit._

_**Translations:**_

_**Scheisskopf = Shit head. (Spelt right this time ^^)**_

_**Reisigbündel = Faggot**_

_**Tunte = Fag**_

_**Mein Liebling = my dear/favourite/sweet/you get the idea… :P**_

_**Ich schwöre, Offizier, dachte ich, er war achtzehn = I swear, Officer, I thought he was eighteen.**_

_**Gut = good**_

___Il semble que j'ai un gode coince (* Sorry, guys, I can't get an accent on here :() dans le trou du cul.__** = I seem to have a dildo stuck up my arse hole (Oh, Matty 8D)**_

_**Иногда я дрочить над моей матерью в душ. = Sometimes I wank over my mother in the shower.**_

_**IFyrirgefðu, ég er ekki svona hallandi, ég vil frekar mikið heitt maður kynlíf með mörgum frænkur mínar, kannski þú gætir tekið þátt í einhvern tíma? Því meira sem merrier. = I'm sorry, I'm not that way inclined, I much prefer hot man sex with my many cousins, maybe you could join in sometime? The more the merrier.**_

_**Schaf = sheep**_

_**AN: All of the lovely phrases courtesy of Google Translator. (Except Scheisskopf, that's a personal favourite of mine :P) I apologise for any mistakes made. I don't know why, but I've always seen Near as Icelandic. Sorry about the lack of L in this chapter, he's back in the next one. And just to warn you all, you may need to have your nose-tissues at the ready for some citrusy goodness! 8D **_

_**Reviews make me happy. Happiness makes me write. Writing produces lovely, succulent lemons. ^^**_


	12. A Little Note From The Author

Hello, everyone!

First of all, I'd like to thank each and every one of you for your support; the amount of positive feedback I have recei ved is overwhelming. That you have take n the time to read, review and favourit e my humble tale means a lot to me. it 's been a while and I probably s ho ul d have done this a long time ago, but I' m writing you this little note to pu t y o u all out of your misery and de clar e tha t I have no desire to continu e and finis h Teenage Dirtbag. I am terr ibly sorry, b ut I have moved on with my lif e quite dr astically since I last up dat ed it.

However, if anyone would like to pick up where I left off and finish it themselv es, I would have no objections. If you' r e interested, please contact me on tu mblr; my url is lookingforapollo.

I have to say I enjoyed writing the exis ting chapters immensely, and I truly am glad that it made people smile. Than ag ain for your response, and apologi e le aving you in the lurch for so l on g .

With love from paradise,

Lucy


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